What’s the Worst Thing that Happens When You Get Old?

Do you remember when you were a teenager, and you could wake at the crack of noon and still not need to pee until Judge Rinder came on?

Things change.

Hairs sprout from the end of your nose. Knees ache. Hips click. Your body makes more noise, has less sex and expels more odours.

You never leave the house without a visit to the loo, and it’s the first place you go when you get home.

For men, the older you get, the harder it is to dry your scrotum. That scrotum thing — what’s going on there? It never used to be. These days, I can rub-a-dub-dub like a pneumatic piston. Even so, those bollocks still feel like an unwrung sponge.

Aging is a problem

Men get cranky at inanimate objects — what man over 50 hasn’t flung the remote control at the telly?

Women get tetchy at the cranky man — what woman hasn’t launched the soap dish at him for wiping his bollocks on her dry towel?

The older you are, the more life gives you sodden lemons.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve solved it!

I’ve come up with an idea for that wet scrotum. A little bag with a fan that encloses your droopers and blows hot air around your cojones in a figure of eight (patent pending).

I need startup capital, so I’m open to offers. By this time next year, we could be millionaires — and I’ll be happy to put pants on right after I shower. I’ve called it The Sahara Sac, and I have a tagline:

The Sahara Sac — For Perfectly Dry Roasted Nuts.

Where’s This Going?

The older we get, the more problems we have and the less we can do anything about them. What upsets us now wouldn’t have caused a blink of the eye in our halcyon days.

But we should keep most of our problems to ourselves.

Nobody needs to know Auntie Jessie’s colostomy bag burst at the bingo, your dodgy knee is playing up, or if my scrotum can stretch the length and width of a tennis court.

Don’t burden the young ones in your life; your offspring, the neighbour’s kids, or your local shop assistant. They don’t want to hear about that wart on your butt.

Wisdom is…

If you could go back and spend 10 minutes with your 18-year-old self, what would you say?

Travel more — say yes to every opportunity — use debt to buy assets — play the field — stick in at school — curry favour with your boss — invest in Apple — eat more pears — rent out property — play more sport — look after your teeth — read the classics — have a fucking laugh — Sorry, your 10 minutes are up.

I’m sure you’ll think of a few more words of wisdom. But what are you doing with all your wiseness?

You can’t go back and tell your 18-year-old self anything. But you can pass on your genius to your offspring, your neighbour’s kids or that shop assistant.

If someone benefits from your knowledge and experience, surely that is better than sitting on your backside bemoaning what the world has come to. So pass your smarts on.

Acts of kindness

My mother carried a bag of toffees wherever she went. Whenever anyone held a door open for her, carried her shopping, or gave her a radiant smile, she made a point of rewarding them with a toffee.

My father made up little surprise packages for his grandchildren. He kept tubes for each of them, and every week he put a pound coin in them. Then, when they visited, he gave them the contents of the tube. So they always knew how long it had been since their last visit.

For birthdays, Christmas, graduations, job acceptances or because it was Tuesday, my parents made special handmade cards and brought cake.

When our children came along, they did the same for their grandkids.

They never missed an opportunity to donate money to charity. They made authentic compliments for jobs well done or because someone had nice hair. They were always looking to praise or compliment people.

When they passed away (within six weeks of each other), I told their bank, the tellers burst into tears.

Kindness brings its own rewards.

Make occasions special

Bring your A-game. Don’t turn up at a party and expect others to do the entertaining. Nobody likes a grumpy, boring, old wrinkly spoiling their celebration.

Bring thoughtful presents, wear a funny fancy dress, play games or prepare a quiz and make it about them.

When you take people for a coffee, buy them the best cakes. When people want to spend time with you, spend your money on them. What? Are you going to take it with you?

My dad had a new joke every day, and he’d tell it to everyone. He loved to see people smile. He made an effort. It’s easy. And it’s a damn sight better than moaning about how you can never pass up the chance to go to the toilet.

Gift others your time and your effort. Create experiences they will remember. Enrich others’ lives, and you will enrich your own. This is my wisdom, and I pass it on to you.

To Sum Up

Don’t be a minor inconvenience. Be the wisdom. Be a shoulder. Be the life and soul.