Washi Tape & Laundry Wounds

What I miss the most about pre-COVID time is being able to linger around the block and not swerve hesitantly from a person coming my way. Fearing transmission, I have to keep to myself or else I could risk my own health. The past normality in seeing a buzzing city life ended on some Friday in March of 2020. Currently, I feel like I am on day 149473923 of that same month of March.

In Pilsen, the sunsets would come at the perfect hour during summertime. Every evening, I would lazily walk to the park to swing, while my mind would wander off into the low clouds. Gently, I would let my feet rock myself back and forth off the mulch to the tune of quiet headphones.

Even though I was dealing with the inner pangs of mental illness, I would stifle those symptoms with an evening walk through my childhood memories. The neighborhood was alive with my reminiscent gaze. A sweet aroma of the laundromat always radiated out into the streets and comforted me. With joy, I passed by my favorite bakeries to buy the freshly made bread for dinner.

I felt clean. My eyes were clear from content, and a job was waiting for me the next morning.

I felt at ease being by myself, and way less paranoid by the chaos still erupting in my life.

Though what surprised me the most about my time living alone in Chicago was my ability to be completely composed. I rarely let myself collapse, which meant that I could effortlessly put on makeup every morning. The clothes I picked out weren't just sweatpants, and I created a good day for myself from the very start.

That kind of energy now eludes me, and it is something I still marvel at while confined to my desk. Most importantly, I always did the laundry on a daily basis. Frightened of the germs and letting my slight tendencies of OCD through, I would scrub the public washer before I threw in my clothes. Doing this was the reason my hands were always cracked.

The dry wounds I sported from the laundry room reminded me of when I could conceal my mental health and the reality of my descent into worsening depression.

Once the pandemic hit, I had to leave my job and the comforts of my tiny one room apartment. Moving back to a family member's house, I took my tortoises with me to a new daunting space. Living with people again felt bizarre, as I was used to taking myself out on the bus whenever I wanted to get errands done. I was always self-sufficient. Since I can't drive, I realized living outside of the city would be a problem.

Slowly but surely, I noticed a sharp decline in my already present mental health issues. Being home for this long and faced with my thoughts day in and day out made me spiral into madness. Zoloft was prescribed, then the Ativan, and so forth.

Yeah I know, I have a disastrous relationship with my mind. On occassion, it can be nice to me! Hence, the reason why I sing this lyric out of nowhere while doing my chores:

And yes, I'm a mess but I'm blessed

To be stuck with you

-Daniel Caesar

So now that I am home with one of my parents, pocketing only $100 to my name, and at a halfway point through my senior year of college...

How am I getting my life in order?

At first, I tried the traditional route of therapy. I tended to rant to the wall on most days anyway, so I figured this would "work." To my disappointment, it didn't go as planned. Really, I am not against getting therapy if you have the means. I just realized the amount of attention I would need for therapy far exceeded the funds I possessed.

Sadly, I was back to the drawing board of getting myself healed after all these months spent sad and stressed.

Being unemployed yet still in school, I felt useless to my growing debt. The idea of returning to a public job was frightening and I couldn't even imagine getting off the couch some days. The makeup I loved has been sitting in a drawer since I moved, collecting dust in a foreign storage bin.

One day while perusing the stationery videos of YouTube, I became entranced by the incredible bullet journaling I saw. Even the prompt for this challenge reminded me how useful this activity can be. Countless hours passed every time I clicked on a video, and I saw so many creators show off their aesthetic appeal through crafting.

The cute decorations, the foam stickers, the...the washi tape.

The washi tape was what ultimately caused me to take a nosedive off my cliff of pity and self-loathing right into a new hobby. If they could construct a cool bullet journal, why couldn't I?

In less than a few weeks from watching my first stationery hauls, I had made my way to the internet shopping aisles. Dipping into the last trickle of money my checking account had, I purchased a bundle of washi tapes. With that, I grabbed some stickers and cool stationery pieces to begin my journal. It wouldn't just be any type of journal this time, but a way to pour my sadness onto the pages.

Although it seems silly, the washi tapes are part of my healing. Babying yourself into composure again isn't appealing, but it's sometimes the best way to go about growth. With that being said, I used the tapes and the stickers to create an outlet that I could fully express every intruding thought or sickening feeling I dealt with.

For example, here are some journals and organized desk spaces that inspired me to start my new habit:

______________________________________________

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Couldn't forget to include my favorite YouTube video inspirations as well:

~alieexpress stationery haul w/ jianwu store

~chescake studio: journal with me

~chescake studio: how i organize my stationery

____________________________________________________

After watching these videos and getting ideas about how I could express myself, I began writing. It was shaky and not an amazing piece of work, but it was my closest confidant. I could paint a picture of my mental health, rationalize my anxiety and come to my own conclusions about the thoughts that bothered me the most.

My own journal is starting to come together:

(For privacy reasons, I won't be showing the detailed entries).

Every night before my shower, I sit down to write for around 10-20 minutes. If I want to focus on decorating as well, I take a bit longer. It's really all up to you and your availability. The point of this activity is to get to know yourself and your brain. Seeing your dreams and fears written out on a page is easier to digest, and can be a valid option for those who are struggling financially like me.

You don't need to be reckless with your money, like I was in this binge shopping spree, as you can start off with some cheap supplies. An inexpensive journal from the store and a couple packs of washi tape or colored paper can go a long way for creative minds!

I know it can be hard to find a starting point, but once you do, it becomes a cathartic habit.

The way I write is by reflecting on how my mental health is improving, declining, or staying complacent. I understand myself better seeing the words on the pages, and it's like reading a book from a third person point of view when I revisit the entries. If you need help to begin, I listed some prompts below that have guided me through my writing.

Questions and topics that I answer through journaling:

-What stressors do I have right now? How did they affect my mood today?

-Do I feel safe? What was something I did, or can do in the future, to feel this comfortability again?

-What are some things I feel proud of today?

-What made me upset lately? How did this incident change my perspective?

- What is the worst possible outcome? If that is the worst, then what is the best?

-What are your favorite songs right now? How do they make you feel? What lyric stood out to you in particular?

-What makes you feel loved? Does anyone show that you now?

-Desribe your dreams and your interpretations of them

-If you could talk to yourself as a child during bad moments, what would you say?

-What steps are you taking to forgive yourself for your mistakes?

-Name your favorite outfits, makeup brands, and style. How does this reflect your tastes?

-What are some small goals I can set for tomorrow? What do I need to do to accomplish them?

-Have I been getting enough sleep? Why or why not?

-What were the fears I used to have, versus the fears I have now?