The Shadows

“Ahhhhhhhhhh,” I screamed. Falling in slow motion, arms stretched out in disparity. Reaching out for something… anything to hold onto. But, there was nothing. Nothing but silhouettes, barely visible against the empty, dark space, the hole, I was evaporating into. Like quick sand, the harder I fought to stay afloat, the quicker I drowned into this pit of nothingness.

Jumping out of my sleep, looking around frantically, I found myself repeating over and over, “I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay” breathing heavily. Taking in deeper, longer, inhales and exhales, gathering control over my breath. It slowed, my mind on the other hand, did not. Continuing to race, pushing back against me asking, “Or am I?” I’m sleeping so much that I’m convinced I’m related to Mary and Jane. My, long lost sisters who’ve cursed me with their magical miracle baby making abilities. I mean, I haven’t done the nasty in so long my hymen is practically back in tact so, a miracle child could only be the explanation for this.

I apologize, I’m ranting, back to the task at hand. 2020 was a challenging year for us all, but for me personally, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, as my mother’ would say. I could never seem to have a moment to breathe. My thoughts were always negative and self-deprecating. I was simply over EVERY fucking thing and all the days just seemed to mesh together and get darker.

I was always tired, uneasy, and running on E. Even after sleeping eight to ten hours a night sometimes. I always felt…. out of place, and unwelcomed. Whether I was coming or going I truly didn’t know and was too afraid to tell anyone of the ways I felt. Even myself.

Feeling constant disease, disdain, and discomfort. Thinking back on it, there wasn’t a time in recent years that I can honestly say I had felt anything different. It was time for change. I wanted a change, I deserved a change. I deserved happiness.

The beginning of the pandemic caused a huge shift in reality, and was pretty stressful. On the flipside, it brought about more free time that would be dedicated to growth and development. With hours at work being cut, I was able to pay more attention to self, what I enjoyed. Taking up new hobbies and habits that included meditation, positive affirmations, and overall uplifting speech. Self-care routines such as weekly facials, and baths, which I’ve always preferred over showers. Maintaining my physical upkeep by working out, rediscovering jump rope, and the release of tension it offers me. Eating cleaner, paying attention to what I do and don’t like, trying new things, and spending more quality time with family.

As a Chicago native and winter baby, Goat Gang, for the first time in forever, I didn’t even complain about the cold. I went out and enjoyed the Windy City instead of complaining about how the snowy winter was ruining everything. That alone was enough to show me that the new-found attention and care I was showing myself was working in my favor. Sounds blissful right? And it was, for a while… but we all know what they say about bliss. And so, I slipped.

See, I was learning more than I had in a very long time, and found myself to actually, be enjoying the process. Higher education and formal education in general had become so… standardized and rigid. It made learning a hassle, and pretty damn boring to be honest.

So, in finding all this new information and activities, seeing how it proved to be helpful to my well-being, I was geeked! Floating in all the possibilities that this newfound life had to offer. Loving the euphoric feeling of that natural high. That same feeling, that happiness high was also the reason I was becoming more and more lost in unbothered-ness. So, happy to be happy, that I believed it was a good idea to ignore any emotion other than joy. Deeming all other emotions unworthy of my attention, irrelevant of expressing. Causing me to fall into them so rapidly, so severely, and so deeply that I became more afraid and uncertain than ever before.

I lost sight on how important it was to maintain in tune with my emotions. To, express what I feel and why I feel it without judgement, or needing to punish myself or others for feeling. Feeling, no need to label something, or someone as good, or bad. But, how important it was for me to just say, “No, that doesn’t work for me. This makes me uncomfortable. Dude ass was tripping,” Etc. To simply stand in my power comfortably, and the freedom in doing so. To learn from my emotions, and how they are connected to my past, and the importance of moving forward.

I was standing on this high horse of misunderstanding how people didn’t see how they were behaving so wickedly, choosing to be unhappy and upset all the time. Like, I had not just broken the my own cycle of impending doom. Like, I wasn’t feeling alive for the first time in a long time. Forgetting that being alive consist of more than one emotion and everyone is entitled to live their life as they choose.

So, the climb, was just as hard as the fall. Allowing all of those emotions, sadness, anger, and frustration, to go unnoticed and therefore pent up inside me caused, a tragedy. I spent out of control and lost sight of all things beautiful. Leading me to make these promises to myself.

I solemnly promise to be patient with myself. I vow to appreciate contentment and allow all other emotions to flow naturally. To pay attention to how I feel and express it to the best of my ability which, I acknowledge may be different in different circumstances. I promise to not overthink because it causes me great sadness, and to acknowledge my responsibilities to self, for self. I promise to be true to me and not be afraid of apologizing when I am wrong. I promise to flow and love myself regardless of the mistakes I’ve made, or will make. I promise to keep it simple and live in the moment, because when I do, I am free!