KeKeLoLo From The Block

“How you feeling lil girl?” My mother yelled across our complex parking lot from in front of her good girlfriend’s house a few yards away as I came walking by. I walked toward her to close the gap and express my very personal, honest opinion that required close attention. “I’m just disappointed in myself honestly like, I’ve…” mid statement she goes “Girl you gotta let that shit GO!” Subtlety hasn’t ever been one of my mother’s strong suits, laughing out loud. This personality trait often caused a lot of friction between the two of us in my childhood years. See, when I needed to hear and feel things in a more calm and affectionate way, be coddled, expecting her to understand that; When my needs weren’t met, it pained my heart. Making me feel a bit inadequate at times while, simultaneously applying that same sentiment to her.

My mother is a 5’7” tall, loud, wild and free, light as day, cool as Chicago nightfall, sun kissed Black woman. She, flows so freely like river water untampered with. You won’t ever have to worry about missing her because her presence is made known when she enters a space and feels a bit less exciting and cold when she leaves. All this love that she has and provides didn’t come without sorrow and growing pains though.

Tough love. A term used often as I was growing up along with “beauty is pain.” Phrases I believed I understood but really didn’t, all make a bit more sense as I sit here writing this at the tender age of 25. 

I was born a perfect blend of both my mother and fathers complexions, looking like a milk dud or a whopper. Coming from my mother I always felt more like a cosmic brownie color though. Growing up my mother would tell me that I was “pretty for a dark-skinned girl.” Told you, subtlety isn't her strong suit. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t see the “for a dark-skinned girl,” I simply saw beauty. I see myself this way because my mother showered herself with so much love and affection, that I could only follow suit. See while being coy, timid, and shy are not like my mother, she was damn sure honest, and almost always brutally with the ones she loved. Sharing her love equally from her children to strangers as one should. Did it always come out perfectly or feel good? No. But, it definitely taught me a helluva lot about existing in this world. 

I can look in the mirror and love myself unconditionally because, although my mother’s words may have seemed a bit harsh at times, she always expressed to me and showed me how to love myself through all my fuck ups and lessons in life. My mother being so straightforward is an experience, a beautifully nerve racking one, but nonetheless an experience. 

Being honest, true to myself, and others allowed me to express myself freely and not have any regrets or fears about what others thought of me. My mom taught me to stand for something and most importantly for myself and what I believed in. In doing so, she allowed me to show and most importantly have unwavering faith in what I knew to be right and wrong. To, have reasoning for why there were some things that were absolutely unacceptable for myself and others. “Treat people the way you want to be treated,” she would always say and that also included forgiveness of others. Understanding that not one being is perfect and that we all make mistakes. 

My mother taught me that this world was a beautiful place by educating me on how ugly some ideas are. She didn’t sugarcoat. Being sure to pass along the tradition of a man and woman being responsible for their family. She danced because the beat moved her and didn’t care that others were watching. She speaks loudly so that her words aren’t mistaken or ignored. She cooked and fed the block because she knew what it felt like to be hungry. She could stretch $15 into a meal for five children, herself, and friends! She can make “$1 out of 15¢,” and flip it time and time again. She is strong, bold, fierce, and free, and those are all the qualities she shared with me! Graciously.

Some may be confused on whether this is an ode of praise or a diss. My mother made sure I was educated, well kept, freshly bathed, and believed in myself wholeheartedly. She also let me know when I was wrong, and when I was allowing myself to sink instead of swimming and nipped that shit in the bud with the quickness. Her strength, her ability to forgive and smile even when it hurt is baffling and admirable. To teach, and share even when she had nothing left to give is what makes her my boss mom. She’s a badass! Thank you, mama!