The Regret Bonfire

The burden of guilt lifts, imaginary or truth. I say farewell to such overwhelming adversities. The harmless ashes of my metaphorical bonfire burn away as the soft tears stream gently down my face. I appreciate there is no real pain, no longer hatred, the bitterness has gone, and no more spite or lasting shame. An expressive emotional release as my remorse and pain burns away.

I no longer ask “what if I’d done things differently, remained somewhere else at that time, planned in a different way? In its place, I ask questions like, “How can I change my life to not stay in that damaging space or exact time? How can I not relive the horrific event, and reoccurring events that follow, but go onward? The regret has gone, yet I still find it hard to vocalise the accident episode without being weepy. My turmoil no longer has overbearing anguish, or overly upset but only slightly troubled, nor replaced by gratifying anger, an emotive defensive mechanism anymore.

But…going back, my memory takes me to “Tarot”. I had moved interstate, my father was in hospital dying, I had time and I thought I would spend time with him, a positive shift. I was secure in who I was, in my career, my education, my relationships. I had a close social set and a beautiful family, loved my children and had just begun to date someone new. I had money in the bank and owned good assets. I liked my life.

One Saturday, I decided to venture out of my comfort circle, a bit bored, I had come back from the beach, after a run along the esplanade. I decided to go see a psyche healer. I had recently finished my course of miracles, loved the book, heavy in-depth and exhausting, but rewarding. I was open to new opportunities and a bit more in life. The transitional move interstate was successful, a new job and varied circle of influences. I was enjoying, metaphysics, church on Sunday and exercise training a few days a week, with a couple of memberships in different gyms. I was busy. As I pulled up in front of the house, I recollect, the house was old, a bit creepy but well positioned along a stream, 5 minutes from the suburb centre. I took extra notice because at the time a main interest of mine was property investment. I owned 4 properties, was and accountant and had spent the last 4 months looking for another home to buy. An old lady answered the door, she had a strong face and was very tall with sandy hair. We went into the lounge room where she proceeded to explain to me how her psychic readings worked. She turned on the tape that on replay was muffled and unlistenable.

As she asked me a line of questioning. I felt light and dizzy as if I were experiencing some out of world phenomena. I looked over upon realisation that this lady had turned into a man, he was penetrating in focus. I was slightly spooked and looked pasted him to see the stream in the garden, and an old weird ugly man on the other side of the window. He was leaping abnormally trying to get our attention, using waving motions and gawky in appearance. I pointed at him to the clairvoyant, she said “don’t be worried about him, he wanders in and out and will stay out of harm’s way”, she flipped a card and said, “stay away from the Greek man”. After, a few more questions, she said, “you will find your house,” her voice then dropped to a mutter, almost a quiet whisper, “but stay away from the Greek man, he is unbelievably bad, and nothing good will come of it, help your daughter”. She turned another card, “There is no marriage in your cards but there will be a male friend”, he / she tapped the table and reminded me, “only poverty, sickness and death will come about if you go near the Greek man”. The big industrial fan thudded in the corner of the room humming as I gently sipped my glass of water. I thought, “I really do not know any Greek man”. But later the predictions were true, the Greek man, was a terrible criminal, dangerous and psychologically repulsive. I looked back at the Clairvoyant who had turned back into a woman. Wondering, “was I under hypnosis”, thinking “what an unusual experience?” I felt I was in an extraordinarily sinister act, yet not the main player. And the more I probed there was nothing else, no real spontaneous or any other interest of my life. Over then next few days, I dreamed of the Clairvoyant screaming at me as he hit the table turning back and forth into a woman, “the Greek man, the Greek man”. Waking up in sweats I knew the message got through. The days moved into weeks and I went back to the gym, I forgot the whole psyche experience, but my quest for spiritual identity and more cosmos substance had just begun. I became a junky to obtain the truth, a frequent visitor of Healing seminars, Buddhism, Neurospinology, Corporate Massage, and eventually to stop at NLP and Hypnosis. I read book upon book on universal theories, self-help, spiritual attainment, karma yogi etc. and travelled experiencing the unknown, and their teachings.

Nevertheless, I attracted a dreadful larker who spent every waking hour trying to wreck my life. I did find my new home, but then spent years in court with the former owner, he, just released from prison, falsified sales contract, was bankrupt and we ended any legal agreement in court making me extremely poor through investment. To get there, these people, blew up my car motor, broke into the home, stole from my bank account, slashed my tires at my new residence, staked my place of work, and continued to ruin my life, I was walked into a nightmare. He was the associate to the Greek man, whose life ended in a horrific car accident, hit by a truck out the front of my new home on my final court appearance, he was the convicted offender, with awfully bad violent priors.

Now, breaking the cycle of regret to never lose a slice of today, or regained, and not missing the present. My apologises are sincere with efforts to amend, sure to explain and rebuild, and not to make the same mistake in business to trust. When opportunities arise, always at the forefront of my mind, I look for every possibility and keep things in perspective. I give myself permission to contribute to today with uninhibited support and enjoyment. I remember the motto, “if you associate with a criminal, you will either end up a criminal or end up with nothing”.

Whether the intention or an accidental blunder, I have learned a valuable lesson in life and more the wiser. Such as, I paint a new picture, of art, meditation, Tia chi and group exercise, I allow yesteryear to fade out. My positive action of today and knowing the regretful action has passed, enables me to hold a more analytical, even critical truth to my story. I move forward with kindness and a selfless compassion in obtaining a healthier perspective. I certainly do not berate or punish myself for the contrived waste of time while suffering in my poor regret. I have moved home and reinvented my new life to rectify and eradicate all grief. And with that note of no regret, I share and commit my love to those I missed in my time of regret.