The Corona Diaries #1

MARCH 15 2020- THE DAY BEFORE QUARANTINE

It was a typical Sunday before the mandated lockdown began. It was a cool, crisp and sunny pre-spring afternoon in Toronto. Since I wanted to enjoy my last day of community freedom, I booked an Uber to take me to my waxing appointment. I chose to spend the day out of my building, because I knew that I was going to be obligated to stay in for the next three months. So I took my usual day trip to Steeles and Bathurst to shop, stroll around in nature, relax and do a couple of errands. Than there was an evening out for dinner to be excited about.

Once I entered the Uber, I met a polite, middle-aged man who was the Russian speaking Uber driver. Since I speak Russian at an advanced level, I was fortunately able to converse with him. During the lazy drive to the nail salon, he and I were discussing how COVID-19 isn't too bad and that people are just afraid. He was reflecting on how bars, restaurants, malls, shoppes and grocery stores were still open. I also stated that the other businesses such as community hubs, libraries, amusement centres and sport clubs are already closing. Than the fifteen minute ride was finished and I hopped out of his car to walk into the nail salon.

Five-ten minutes after my appointment was done, I washed my hands with hand sanitizer and silently left the nail salon. I wanted to shop around Dollarama which was located in the Main Exchange plaza. Once I was finished shopping around Dollarama, I had an increased level of energy and was ready to go on my last nature walk to G. Ross Lord Park. I admired the mild winter breeze, the earthy odor of sweet vernal equinox weather and was absorbing all of my surroundings while listening to music. I continued to walk along Steeles and Bathurst and then approached the next shopping strip. Afterwards, I reached the little building which was a local synagogue that I used to attend as a little girl. Across the street was another Dollarama, a newly-renovated Russian deli, a Shoppers Drug Mart, a small and unkept convenience store, a kosher pizza restaurant and a dry cleaning place. After I passed all of those common places of interest, I turned right onto Cedarcroft and continued to enjoy my final pre-pandemic nature walk in the beauty of memory lane.

Five minutes after, I entered the massive suburban park and ambled along the sandy path on the emerald green field. It took me to the start of the walking trail. I found a small park bench that I lounged around in to eat my apples and peanut butter, have a quick chat with my mom on the phone and relax before my long nature walk. Once I was tired of walking, I reached the bus stop at Steeles and Dufferin. Since I was already loitering around the bus stop, I had the audacity to take a bus to Islington and Steeles to stroll around the neighbourhood before it was time for me to meet my mom and her boyfriend for dinner. Due to a lack of time, the neighbourhood stroll around Islington and Steeles did not end up happening.

In lieu of the stroll, I took a bus to a plaza that was not too far from the local supermarket on Steeles and Dufferin. Once I stopped at Finch and Dufferin, I made my way to a large Russian souvenir shop called Troyka. I decided to kill some time by window shopping in the Russian souvenir shop. Once I was done window shopping, I brought myself to the European supermarket that was just next door to Troyka. During my casual excursion to the supermarket, the thoughts of my last bite of pancakes, my last opportunity to window shop and my last chance to speak Russian with the grocery store workers made me shiver and almost cry. I could not believe that the community was going to temporarily shut down because of such a deadly disease. My opportunities and the things I loved to do were about to be put on hold for the safety and wellbeing of our community members. At least I got to do what I desired in the community. Since I wanted to put a smile on my face, I purchased a delicious mushroom and onion pancake to munch on the way to the bus stop.

After I took my first bite of the pancake, my stomach would not be quiet. It kept roaring like a lion. Three minutes was up and my stomach started to shut up and then I jumped on the bus to make my way back to Steeles and Bathurst. Another fifteen-thirty minutes was up and I hopped on another bus that would take me back home to Bathurst and Weldrick.

THE EVENING BEFORE QUARANTINE

The day was over and the blue sky was turning into a black, moonlit sky. As I made my way back to my apartment, I heard my stomach scream again. My mouth was about to water and I imagined myself gulping down a monstrous glass of icy water. Before I knew it, I would have the chance to enjoy a hearty meal with my family. Ten minutes had passed and I exited my spacious suburban apartment. I heard a familar voice in the background: it was my mom shouting from the silver Jeep. I entered the silver Jeep and then we made our way to the restaurant.

After my mom, her boyfriend and I exited the car, we took a quiet but brief stroll to the restaurant. After we entered the restaurant, I briefly stared at the wooden walls, some of the artifacts that were hanging on the walls, the glass windows and than I settled in with the menu in front of me. I knew I was craving seafood, but was unable to decide. I started off with an icy glass of water without lemon or any kind of citrus fruit. My mom sat right beside me and her boyfriend was across from me. As my family and I were enjoying each others company, I finally made up my mind: I was going to have the jumbo popcorn shrimp with a side of crispy, oily and salty french fries on the side. I kind of regretted ordering the deep fried meal, but I felt like having one of my "naughty moments", so why not?! It didn't hurt to treat myself to the odd fried meal, since I rarely consume fried food. The jumbo crispy shrimp was scrumptious and the french fries were salty and crispy just like your typical store bought potato chips. The meal was not the usual burger and fries from McDonalds or Burger King: it was real, chef-made, American cuisine.

After a filling meal, my mom and her boyfriend paid the bill. Once our meals were paid for, the three of us entered my mom's shiny silver Jeep to make our way back to my apartment. Once the evening out was over, I wrapped my arms around my mother and give her and her boyfriend a kiss goodbye. After I was done hugging and kissing my mom and her boyfriend, I ran into the building and entered my brightly-colored apartment. I was not going to do much since I was busy during the day, so I put on my lazy clothes and lounged around in my ballet-slipper pink bedroom for the remainder of the night. Two hours later, my eyes began to close, my mind was starting to shut down and I slowly drifted into a deep sleep.

MARCH 16 2020- THE FIRST DAY OF THE NEW NORMAL

It felt like a normal March day when I woke up on Monday March 16 2020. In addition to the cleaners coming to my apartment to clean for a few hours, all I was going to do was relax and go for a nature walk since school was out for the week. During second semester, I normally wouldn't have had class on Mondays. I did not have to have the stress of getting up at 6 am to catch the 7 am bus for the rest of the week.

All I was concerned about was getting through the first week of the pandemic. The new normal was very unusual for me, since I was accustomed to living a certain way: catching the bus for classes, waking up at a certain time, booking appointments, meeting my friends for dinner, going on photography trips to difference neighbourhoods every weekend, having the freedom to go to the store, spending longs hours at the library or community hub and going to a restaurant with my family. Now that mandated lockdown began, I could not do any of those things. It was quite the adjustment for me, but I was able to cope in the best way possible. I had my phone with all of the messaging apps I necessitated, so I can keep in touch with my family and friends during community lockdown. But that still didn't make the negative emotions disappear right away. Once I knew that lockdown began and understood the circumstance a bit better, I started to feel so many emotions that made me miserable. My heart began to race, my mind was noisy like a nonstop record player, I was quiet as a little mouse and had episodes in which I would ponder questions like, "when are we going to go back to normal? Why did this happen in Canada?". It was a roller coaster of all these emotions and it became inexorable.

The first night of quarantine was very relaxing. I did not do very much except for a home workout and doing a craft while watching The Babysitters Club on Netflix. It was an uneventful but positive evening for me. It was one of the best nights I have ever had, even if I hated being told to stay at home by the government. A good nights sleep and a pre-bedtime snuggle put an end to such an evening at home!

MARCH 17- THE SECOND DAY OF QUARANTINE

The second day of quarantine had its own peaks and valleys of emotions. For the main part, I was pretty serene and did not show many signs of anxiety or depression. I went about my day going for a brief but peaceful spiritual walk around the block, did a few household chores, did a little reading, watched YouTube videos, spoke to my friends and family on the phone and listened to music.

The only rough moment I had was, when I entered my residence and not being able to hug my best friend Angelina, who is one of the janitors in the building. Angelina and I have developed a special relationship in which she would call me "her daughter". She and I started becoming best friends. During the pre-pandemic days, I would come home, run up to her and give her a hug. She would do the same with me. The dangers of COVID 19 did not allow me to have those "special moments" with Angelina. With that being said, we were able to give air hugs, blow kisses at each other and chat about different things. We still had each others company.

At night, it was slightly eventful since it was St. Patricks Day. Even though we were not permitted to visit bars or restaurants, my friends and I were still able to celebrate St Patricks Day. One of my next door neighbours is of Irish and German descent, so he often does something for St Patricks Day. My neighbours and I spent a few hours at his apartment for drinks, video games and to hang out in his living room. Other than hanging out with my friends, nothing really much occurred.

MARCH 18 2020- THE THIRD DAY OF QUARANTINE

The third day was slightly better, because I was able to have a virtual session with my therapist. During my virtual session, I had the chance to discuss all of my ups and downs while doing some of my diamond painting. I told her that I was upset about not being able to hug and kiss my loved ones and how I was going to manage "skin hunger" during the remainder of the pandemic. I explained that I have been very sensitive and sullen, but rather nonchalant by being able to cope in the best ways possible. She validated everything and knew exactly where I was coming from, which was what I exactly wished for during the first week of the unknown.

After my therapy session was finished, I left the house to let out some steam. I walked around Don Head Village and then spent some time at a hilly, picturesque and historical park called Mary Dawson Park. Once I was done having my "mindful moment" at the park, I entered the tranquil forest and continued hiking along the paved path. During my time at the ravine, I texted one of my friends on Messenger. It was a rather short conversation, since I did not want to be lost in a neighbourhood that I didn't often visit. I left the ravine and went back to Mary Dawson Park to make my way back to Bathurst Street. I ended up going the wrong way, so I continued walking until I was able to find McCallum which would take me to Lebovic Campus Drive. I went home and spent the remainder of the afternoon in my suite.

The new reality started to affect me a bit more. My stomach started to ache, my mind was still running like a record player, my heart was racing pretty quickly and I felt a small lump in my throat. I started feeling a rush of sensation go into my chest and my face was becoming red like an apple. Furthermore, I had moments when I felt like I was travelling to paradise. I had my bed which would calm me down during all of my mental health episodes and would spend time in my pink painted bedroom or lavender washed living room. If I wasn't going to be in my own suite, the only place that I was allowed to visit was my neighbour Kurts apartment next door. Everything else was sadly forbidden. I spent another night at Kurt's with my other neighbour Shelby. The three of us were chatting and playing classic video games like Super Mario. It was lots of fun and I was really grateful to be allowed to visit neighbours. It took my mind off all of stress and anger about the pandemic.

THE REMAINDER OF THE FIRST WEEK

The week had its bad parts and good parts. This was a very strange time for a lot of people, including myself. I encouraged myself to get through the week by thinking positively and keeping myself occupied with engaging and meaningful activities. The activities did not inhibit me from having my feelings. There were parts of the day when I would fall into a deep depression and no one could tell because I would conceal it. I would always save my depressive episodes for when I wasn't around others, because I refused to create a scene. Depression is a very private thing for me, so I often try not to reveal these things in public. I only disclose my depression to people like my family, friends and people that understand where I am coming from, like my therapist. During these episodes of withdrawal, I would hide in my bed sulking or would hang out in a dark space, so I can give myself a sensory break. For the rest of the week, I kept telling myself to stay strong and that this was not a personal issue. It felt like a personal experience because I was alone for most of the time. In fact, everyone was in the same position, I just couldn't notice because I wasn't around them enough to observe their emotions or feelings.

My parents, my brother, my step family, my close friends and my therapist were there to support me through this haunting time. I continued to be thankful for the level of support I received on a daily basis. I don't know how I would have made it through lockdown without a large support system. I live in an indepedent living facility for people with multiple abilities, so there were always people to chat with and things to do. Many of the tenants in my building were going through the same phase I was in, so I was relieved once I realized that I am not the only one grappling with the new reality. I always got my food delivered and was still permitted to get the odd meal delivered when I didn't feel like cooking. The regular cleaning service was still in place, so the cleaners would clean my suite every two weeks on a Monday. Some people in the building were either overprotective or too scared and it would really make me feel frightened. At the same time, I had to understand that the people are just expressing themselves. In terms of overprotectiveness, it was coming from a good place.

I am just glad that I had the ability to cope. I embraced my emotions and allowed myself to have the odd episode. It was quite understandable for people like me to react in such a manner, since this was a sensitive time. Nobody liked being commanded to be at home. Nobody wanted to be told they can't hug or kiss their loved ones. Nobody wanted to know about the new reality. However, we had to go through this to be protect the community and our loved ones from this horrible virus. The whole community had to find a way to cope in the best ways possible. This was not just the case in Canada, China or the States. This was a worldwide public health issue that countries like Russia and Israel had to overcome. The first week of quarantine taught me some important lessons: to appreciate what you have, to allow yourself to feel the way you feel and to not burn your life away.

IMPORTANT LESSONS TO SHARE

1. Be thankful for what you have. Not everyone has a home to go to. Not everyone has good food and clean water in the house. Not everyone has hobbies and activities to keep them busy everyday. Not everyone has their families and friends to go to for support.

2. Life is not meant to be rainbows and sunshine. We have to go through tough times in order for us to develop.

3. There is more to life than playing on your XBOX or Smartphone 24/7. Make the most out of your lives, because one day your life will be over.

4. It's okay to feel confused, anger, despondent, dismayed or frantic during a crisis. Embrace your emotions, but don't make that an excuse to hurt yourself or others. Use your strategies to help you manage your stress and anger in a constructive way.

5. Everyonea circumstance varies. Don't compare yourself to others. Focus on your abilities, your own situation and your own wellbeing.

6. People with and without mental illness are struggling everyday, even if there is no pandemic. Be kind and help your loved ones out as much as possible. Do something nice for a stranger. Appreciate your own abilities and recongize others abilities.

7. Racism does not ameliorate anything. Just because the pandemic began in China, that does not make it okay to emotionally and physically attack an Asian person in public.

8. Don't take your health for granted. Wash your hands, wear a mask and follow public health guidelines, even if you abhor them or think they are ridiculous. These rules are put in place for the good of the community.

9. Support your children emotionally, mentally and physically. Little kids often don't comprehend certain issues like pandemics and can get frightened easily. Find things for them to do to keep them busy every day. Tell them to appreciate what they have and to recognize that not everyone has the same opportunities.

10. Take one day at a time. The more you worry, the more overwhelming and depressing it will be.

Have a good rest of the week and I hope this can motivate you to keep living! Cheerio to all of my friends on Vocal!