The absolute war that is Fibromyalgia

Today is not a good day!

I knew that it was coming, that's the worst part KNOWING. As I woke up this morning I felt the heavy feeling i normally get when a flare is ramping up. My legs were heavy and stiff, my neck and shoulders were sore and my chest felt heavy.

As you might imaging this is similar to having a really nasty cold or even flu. Imagine waking up like this for weeks on end just because you are trying to be the best mum, partner, housekeeper, pet owner and hard worker that you always used to be ....

It gets worse! these are just the beginning of the symptoms (for me at least).

Today I forced myself up to make breakfast and my usual coffee and medication cocktail whilst trying to be pleasant to the rest of the household (I do tend to become quite grumpy and sometimes nasty when I have a bad flare up). My first obstacle is getting downstairs on stiff painful feet and legs .. it does ease up a little but will normally come and go throughout the day.

I remember that I used to enjoy my morning routines before the medication and the aches and pains which makes me feel sad.

The pain I am feeling now as I sit here typing this is like my whole body is so tense and at the same time has too much energy running through it that it just hurts, and the shock waves of pain run through my arms, hands, legs, feet and spine are like someone has me hooked up to an electric pulse, sending shocks through me at regular intervals.

I feel isolated and very alone today because I know that I look fine on the outside.. I know if I vocalize my pain it will make me feel like I'm forcing the people around me to see it and in my mind that makes it feel like I am just acting it out for the benefit of sympathy! I do not want sympathy!

I just want to be understood ...I want someone to say its ok to not be ok ....

Today I feel deeply depressed with the way I am even though I know that I cant help it.. The depression is an evil little monster that pops up along side the pain. I've been depressed for longer than I've had the pain but they seem to have teamed up and become best pals!

I know that I really need to see the DR soon because the medication is becoming less effective, I also know that the DR will be hesitant to increase the dose on one of my medications as I am already on what they would consider too high a dose already! Unfortunately for me the other meds that I have tried over the years have failed to have any positive effects with one even taking my already high blood pressure to a very dangerous level..

I suppose at some point there will be better therapies available, I know there are alternatives out there now, I just cant afford the cost of private medical care and the cost of travelling to get said care.

Please tell me if I ramble too much ... I have so much stuffed in to my mind, things I have to remember, past memories, future plans, worry...

I know today I will continue to feel pain and exhaustion and I know tomorrow will likely be the same (always hoping the next day will be 100x better and always excited when it is.) but I will pull myself up and try to do something constructive with the day even if it is just making the bed and getting washed and dressed!

I would like to share more of my experiences with you, symptoms, good days, best days , worst days and the in between.

Believe me when I say I am not always a miserable moan monster :)

All I want to do is share my experiences and connect with anyone who is also struggling with coming to terms with this little demon that is Fibromyalgia.