Sunday Funday

After the morning visit with the porcelain throne I stare in to the mirror, washing my hands thoroughly before reaching for a bamboo toothbrush. Gotta get the grossness of the cigarette off of my tongue and teeth. My brows furrow as I scold myself internally.. Before Halloween I will stop this disgusting habit. Different coping mechanisms are available and I need to hold myself accountable.

Tousled red undercut fauxhawk is unruly, chaotic auburn curls from a rare night of restful sleep. My eyes still look tired, a pale blue at the moment. With my idle hand I feel at the stubble at my neck and cheeks, quietly judging the quality of my skin. I have major OCD- .. It happens during times of stress where my hands unconsciously feel out imperfections on my skin. My arms, shoulders, ... hell my entire body is a constellation of scars from where I have picked until there was nothing left to pick. Most of them are healed but I almost always have a new spot I mentally noted at some point.

At some point I would love to get galaxy based / astrology based tattoos over the scarring.. Wouldn't it be cool if they glowed too?! Oh- there's another rabbit hole. A more positive one than nitpicking at my mental nitpicking from picking-- baddum tssss...no? Okay.

Gargling with some mouth wash, my mind keeps on in a tangent of what ifs and or buts. I inhale..-at the wrong time.

Spitting and coughing in to the sink I notice some black tar spots..

That came from my lungs. How very pleasant a Sunday it is.

Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.

My nose curls before I reach to turn the water faucet back on, splashing the eughch down the drain. Prompting me to splash water on my face for the regime of scrubadub. CeraVe products have been a new adventure for me and so far I believe it is helping! Anything with Vitamin C or Hyaluronic acid appears to aid my combination, but primarily oily, skin.

Since I have issues with my compulsions I try to fixate on ways to help my acne and imperfections, knowing very well that I don't need to be perfect but my mentality always rabbitholes back somehow. I pat dry, tone, serum, and moisturize finally exiting the bathroom.

Adrian; A tall, dark, and handsomely thicc bald man is standing with a cup of tea just down the hallway with a look of "Hi I made this for you but dOnT tHiNk ThIs WiLl Be A nOrMaL tHinG". He is so expressive and I love it. My chest fills with joy and butterflies, lips curling in to an appreciative smile. "Thank you my love!", I chirp, meeting his hands to gently receive and then huff the steamy aromatics of the beverage, a static charge of joy bounding around in my sinuses and brain. Adagio's Bella Luna Earl Grey with a touch of honey. I allow myself to have a melty moment before shakily lifting to the balls of my feet to plant a kiss on his lips. He lifts a hand to steady my stance, returning the peck of affection before returning to his cleaning escapades.

Balance used to be my thing when I was a young twink dancing on the bar in a club. Then a herniated lumbar disc happened- Not even from dancing. Trying to move a pool cover led to my back's demise. Which led to the finding of degeneration in my spine and spinal facets. My left foot's sesamoid bone feels like it's nearly done healing after a horizontal fracture. My back is a work in progress.. I... am a work in progress. Surgery on the herniated disc brought feeling back to my legs and allowed me to walk and bend ...somewhat normally. A nerve block procedure definitely helped bring the pain levels down from arthritic facet nerves but I'm a bundle of anxiety due to not knowing how long this treatment will last. I am determined to document and enjoy what pain free moments I can get.

I sip on my tea with my eyes closed, feeling a caffeinated buzz hit my tongue. I see splashes of green and blue behind my eyelids and I note that I am able to focus on things other than the constant pain I used to feel before an epidural steroid shot and the facet nerve blocks. A positive charge starts to grow in my stomach, feeling the warmth from the tea and wake up juice. This tea is no joke when I say it sends me through a meditative adventure.

Still standing in the hallway, I focus on my breathing. Filling my lungs completely. Then blowing out completely. More tea swirls over my tongue and I take a longer sip then repeat.

A morning meditative adventure lasting less than an hour is amazingly beneficial to any psyche but my 'understanding the universe' takes abnormally long. Why try to rush the process. Be there for it. Live it. Embody it.. just for the moment. Acknowledge, Appreciate, and Return. Another part of me wants to keep running and thinking and plotting and planning and--- you get it?

But too much focus on the spirit and not on the worldly things is not in balance. A guide fluidly drops wisdom in to my thought processes.

"Interesting..", I carefully make my way back to the altar, placing the tea mug on one of the tiers of the main bookshelf- nodding in direction to the gemstones that consistently gave me oohhshiny moments.

Mrooooooow

Isis weaved between my legs with her tail straight up, peering up at me with those beautiful orange eyes.

Worldly things... I see my 2020 Journal and begin to plan the weeks ahead of me, aligning medical appointments with other schedules, coming up with ways to pay for further chiropractic care, paying bills, learning things, writing stories. Instinctively a pen finds my finger tips and I begin to loose on the journal papers in front of me.

Replace the cigarette with a Pen..

Or pencil.

You can do it..