Remember to Breathe

I forget to breathe. It happens when I'm stressed out. That being said.. I forget to breathe all the time. My days have become so hectic and full of spontenaity that, out of habit, I tune into the world around me and neglect my own needs. Needs as simple as a single breath that will keep me living.

What I'm trying to say is: my life at times doesn't feel like my own. Moreso, it feels like I'm just here for the benefit of others who encounter me. And of course I've become naturally swayed to help anyone that is in need and within my peripheral vision. So my development of neglect when it comes to my personal needs doesn't surprise me as I begin to address them.

Believe me, I can't help but have people need me. I was brought up that way. My brother, who is now 17, has autism disorder. I don't regret helping him. I never will. It's a part of the package. To give you the short explanation, my Mom is really the one who needs help. A single mother solely providing for her kids doesn't ever wish to become sick, nevertheless with cancer. I was 12. I've always picked up the slack because of the lack of one parent.. but now both of my siblings were my responsibility. My sister, who is a year older, also lives with a mental disorder. The seizures from her Epilepsy has given her the mind and common sense of a 7 year old. We had relatives try to help out. But I was the only one who knew how to provide for both of their needs. We are blessed to have our mother back home without cancer.. but now I had 3 people to care for. And I don't ever regret it.

I'm 19 now. You'd think that things are different.. but the majority of it is the same. Many say that my mom has grown "too dependent" on me. And I agree, but she can't help it.

As we all know, the quarantine shut down many things. Including the journey I began at college. For the first time in my life, I was able to be selfish enough to only think about me. Of course within reason. Leaving for school was already a selfish choice. One that prompted me into considering that I should leave to go back and care for my family. But I had dreams to chase and a calling on my name for performance.. so I stayed. Quarantine brought me back eventually, and things resumed as usual- except I knew now that self care is something I couldn't neglect.

Self care for me is making sure I am healthy. "In order for me to take care of others, I need to take care of myself." I care of my family and the tasks within my home starting in the early hours of the day. But into the evening hours, I go to a dance studio to flesh out all of the energy hiding behind my silence and dishwater. I dance in preparation for the auditions nearing in the next semester. And at the end, I cool down with yoga. I've done alot of yoga within this quarantine.. at first it was a way for me to receive my dance credits online. But now it is a way for me to focus on every aspect of my being. Channel and transfer energy within my body. It reminds me that I need to breathe, and more importantly that it is okay for me to breathe.