Reconciliation with God

Last month I published a poem - "Reckoning with GOD — Explain What Happened and Why?"

This is the story that inspired the poem.

****

Roger was confused and lost. He felt lonely since he had lost his companion, Ellsa.

Ellsa was his little dog, his soul mate for the last 14 years. They had done everything together.

Several months ago, she had started to slow down for reasons he did not know. It was only later that he found out she had been suffering from an invasive brain tumor.

It was eating her soul, despite her valiant efforts to continue.

Not capable of doing the things she loved, she became very lethargic. Roger had been angry with himself for not acting sooner.

He also felt guilty for getting her to go for walks when she was clearly not well. He tried to justify it by telling himself that he did not know, but it did little to ease the guilt.

Now, it was too late.

He had nursed her to her final passing, but still, the guilt ate at his soul, his very existence.

Why was he still here and she was not?

She was far more deserving to be alive than he was. He needed answers, but none had been forthcoming. Even his own God seemed to be turning his back on him in his time of need.

They had been inseparable and had been through so much together. He felt that she had rescued his soul and kept him going so many times, but now she was gone, taken by the God that he was supposed to love.

How could he?

How could he love someone with the power to leave her with him, and he had not, Roger thought to himself. He wrestled with the constant feeling of being abandoned by his God.

He cried daily. Everything reminded him of Ellsa: the walks they would take and the joy she would bring as she chased after her ball, the cuddles they would have while sitting on the couch in the evening watching TV.

He spent long hours sitting on the sand by the beach. As the water lapped his feet and the sunlight dimmed, he thought many times about walking into the ocean, never to return. To keep on walking until his head was below the waves, and he could no longer breathe.

What did he have to live for now?

He had no friends, no wife; he only had Ellsa, and now she had gone well.

On this particular day, as he sat on the sand, these feelings were stronger than ever. The anger welled inside him. He could feel his heart quicken to an unbearable pace, and his only release was to yell out at the top of his voice:

“Why did you take my loved one away?”

“What do you have to say?” demanding a reply

“God, explain what happened and why?”

He never got a reply. His god had forsaken him and left him in his misery until he died.

He longed for the day.

He could not cope with life anymore. He could not eat. Could not sleep, what life was there left to live?

He was so angry, alone, and forsaken that he threw his Bible as hard as he could into the water.

“It should have been me, God, not my little girl!”

“I have no more time for you; you are a myth, a lie,”

He covered his face and sobbed deeply into his hands. He pictured her little face, but it brought him no solace, just more pain and suffering.

He looked up into the sky, begging for some sort of explanation from his so-called God. The sky opened, and the clouds parted to let a bright beam of sunlight through. He now had to shield his eyes from the light. It was so bright.

“It’s another one of tricks, God. Do you taunt me even further?”

A gentle voice filled his head:

“My son, do not cry. I have not forsaken you. Your little girl sends her love and asks you not to cry.”

“She is always with you, but you must open your heart to see her. She is needed to help others just like she has helped you. Her soul is pure, and it still walks beside you every step you take.”

“You are stronger than you think, and now is not the time to give up. She has helped you gain strength in many ways, but you must see this for yourself. I promise you will be together again, and she is in good hands.”

“Do not fear taking the steps you need to take. Know that she will guide you, just as she will now guide others in positions of despair.”

Roger sat still; a strange calmness came over him. He felt some reassurance and an inner calm that she was safe and no longer in pain from her cancer, and that was important to him.

He realized it was more important than her being there with him if she could not enjoy the things that they loved doing together.

She had suffered so much in the last few months of her life. Now she was free from the pain and suffering.

He missed her terribly but knew he must pick himself up and move forward. Once again, the voice spoke:

“Ellsa is with you, my son, as I am. Be strong for her just like she was strong for you.”

The bright light faded, and the voice was quiet. He looked at the water; it was grey. The sun had almost set now. He could make out the shape of the now soggy Bible he had thrown away.

He still grieved for her little body but felt a warmth from her soul. He got up from the beach and staggered back up the path to head home.

“I will try, and that is all I can do. Forgive me, God, I did not mean what I said,” he muttered under his breath. Look after my little angel until I get there.

Till next time,

Calvin

[Originally published in Medium Long Sweet Valuable. All rights reserved Calvin London 2024.]