My inner-critic won't shut up, and it doesn't have to.

Once I stopped giving my inner-critic so much power, my life changed. Self-critical thoughts? Yup, still there. And I’m completely okay with it. I invite my critic to the conference table in my mind. I see my inner-critic’s value, it’s good intentions, and it’s not so great traits. Over-reaction, personalizing, fault-finding are all there too. But most importantly, I see it’s desire to protect me, even if it does so in unskillful ways.

I still have plenty of moments of self-criticism, but I’m at a place now where it feels manageable, even good. It was not always this way. Throughout my adolescence and a hefty chunk of my 20’s, I struggled deeply with my inner-critic. I couldn’t help but take what it said to heart. It led me to avoid things I cared about and into situations that did not serve me well. Suffice it to say, we weren’t friends. In my early training to become a therapist, I cannot deny that I held naive hope that I could “cure” difficult, negative mental states like self-criticism in myself and others.

Fast forward several years, I now specialize in helping people build healthier relationships with themselves. There’s a misconception that having a healthy inner world will involve the absence of difficulty, pain or discomfort. Phrases such as “silence your inner-critic”, “banish anxiety” and “end the war with yourself” are common in the therapy world and on social media. They suggest that we can “get rid of '' the “problem”. Not only is this misleading, it’s wholly inaccurate. For example, if I told you, “don’t think of an elephant”, your mind would immediately conjure one up. A more accurate and realistic conception of mental health involves how you respond to difficult emotions, thoughts and circumstances. Pain and difficulty are a part of life. The ways you show up for yourself in those moments are what truly matters.

There’s a problem with the way we view our “difficult” thoughts. We want them to Go. Away. like, yesterday. STAT, ASAP. The impulse makes sense: no one likes to suffer, especially with self-criticism, as the critiques can be more damning than you’d ever feel able to say out-loud. But hear me out. Banishing the thoughts will not work, truly I’ve tried. In my clinical practice, this strategy often encourages the thoughts to double down and become stronger. (Yes, you can be self-critical for being self-critical).

Let’s try a new way of approaching self-criticism and see how it goes.

But first, it's important to have some background on why most of us have an inner-critic and why it’s so hard to shake. From an evolutionary perspective, the human brain can be thought of as a threat detection machine. In order to keep us safe, it uses past information and recent events to “beat you up” for a mistake, with the purpose of avoiding the same mistake again. This includes social safety, like whether or not we will be accepted, liked or approved of. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about having this critical inner voice, as painful as it may be. The real problem is that we live in a world that has evolved past our own ability to bear it. Our world is intensely critical and demanding of us, and we receive these messages from parents and the wider society from childhood onwards. It is no wonder the rates of mental health difficulties have skyrocketed in modern times. Our threat detection is constantly being overwhelmed, and we internalize when left with no other options.

This evolutionary basis is why the inner critic won’t pipe down just because you ask. I was only able to stop giving my inner-critic so much power when I took the time to really understand it. Imagine you are having an argument with a friend. Are you more likely to let go of the issue if you feel they truly understand and respect your position, versus them yelling or shutting down? The inner-critic feels the same! Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion. It protects us from the more painful feelings that lay underneath. Things like sadness, rejection and fear are often underneath harsh criticism if you get curious.

When your inner-critic starts barking at you, try to offer it some understanding. If you don’t understand, ask yourself what is the root of the criticism? What is your body trying to tell you?

When your critic says, “you’re so stupid for forgetting to pick up a gift for your friend’s birthday”, maybe what it’s trying to say is “I care about this relationship and I’m scared of letting her down”. When reinterpreted in this light, we can offer ourselves understanding for what’s really going on emotionally. The criticism can relax because you got to the root of what was happening in that moment.

So next time self-criticism rears its head, see if you can meet it with a curious understanding and self-compassion. You might say to yourself:

I know what this is (naming the self-criticism)

I know I’m not alone in having these thoughts (common humanity)

I know this part of me wants to keep me safe (recognizing the function)

these criticisms are not as bad or true as they seem (perspective)

I know deep down I really care about ___________ (self-awareness)

And it makes sense that this would come up for me given my culture/family.

I can pay attention to what I care about, without beating myself up.

I treat myself with the respect and love I show my closest friends.

From this practice, you can see the inner-critic isn’t absent or dismissed, rather it’s recognized, understood and processed. It becomes a leaping off point to invite another inner-voice that doesn’t get nearly enough press: our inner nurturer, AKA our wise, compassionate self. We all have one too, even though we may only express it with others. Balancing the input from your inner-critic and your compassionate self will not only keep you safe, but allow you to see yourself clearly and meet yourself in a skillful way, no matter where life takes you.