My Deepest Wound

Content Warning- This maybe very deep and emotional for some viewers including trauma, ableism, bullying, shame, perfectionism, toxic culture, separation, isolation, disconnection, and trust/abandonment issues.

I know that we have all been there. Everyone has been carrying their wounds. For this writing, I am going to share about one of my deepest, and even heaviest wounds that I have been carrying for so long that would never, ever go away. I am also going to share you something embraced me even if I am still healing. It only takes time. However, its still not as easy as you think.

I understand that phrase- “be grateful for what you have!”

Yes, I get that.

Sadly, growing up as an autistic child/adult with other development issues, including my language disorder, is not very gifted for me. Growing up as one of the “special ed” or “special needs” kids did not make me happy at all. Like others, I don't ever like labels as well, including “disabled”.

And yes, I agree with Neruodivergent_Lou on Instagram- “disabled people's needs are not special --- they are human needs.”

You may be familiar with my other writing pieces and some of my artwork about some of my experiences and showing my emotions along with my other struggles including my PMDD.

For starters, I read my baby book (the same thing when I looked at my baby photos and even watched some of my home videos when I was a baby). It’s very heartwarming. It's like I was welcome in this world happily. I always love to make people smile. I couldn't stop loving to hear more smooth-jazz music. I couldn't stop laying my eyes on my big brother, my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great-grandparents. I was a very playful, sweetest, friendly, and loving baby girl.

I thought that I was accepted on this earth.

Unfortunately, as a toddler, about two or two and a half, or even three years old, it turned me into a very opposite from both verbally and non-verbally. I became very shy and even uncomfortable to others and a quiet little girl.

For years, I had been through many intense speech therapies, developmental centers, and special Ed classes. I haven't spoken much until I was about five years old.

I have to be open and be honest, it-I didn't make me feel special. It made me feel like I'm not human.

Even when I was in PSR(PyschoSocial Rehabilitation),from later 2016 to 2017, I thought it could help me to socialize and improve my job skills after I graduated from college. It turned out that we’re all being treated like preschoolers and kindergartens by the staff because we’re not stable enough?

It always felt like I went to back the things from the past I had never been enjoyed.

Why?

Why is that?

Are we actually harming other people because we’re not stable enough as human?

Why can't we learn more important things because we’re not mature or smart enough?

Even at school, birthday parties, dinner occasions, and youth groups from church, I had been treated differently than my siblings and friends that I was inadequate to anyone. It felt that I was a “cursed” or “troubled” child by some adults, some teachers, and even some peers. When I was separated and being divided, it traumatized me.

In schools, churches, family dinners, field trips, social media, vacations, and shopping areas, I get those similar comments, phrases, and/or responses that I make more shame and guilt(I know others have been there too)-

“Stop being so emo.”

“Why are you so quiet?”

“Why can't you talk/speak?”

“Why does your voice sound very sad?”

“Stop being so selfish?”

“Why can't you drive a car?”

“Why are you freaking out? It's embarrassing!”

“You're just lazy.”

“You're always being immature!”

“I'm sorry, is English your second language?”

“You're acting like a baby/toddler.”

“Why are you being antisocial?”

“You need to act like a real adult!”

“Why are acting weird?”

“Are you _______?”

Of course, you're familiar with that blank from many toxic words especially that unpleasant word for decades including the media like films, comedy shows, and novels. It's always been very disrespectful to all of us.

You may know one of the reasons why being autistic/living with autism is still my biggest wound it's because of those harmful myths and those dreadful culture/society stigma including those vaccine myths and puzzle symbols/logos. I see so many myths like “vaccines causes autism”/”autism is worse than chicken pox/measles' ', etc. It made me have the heaviest, the ongoing wound I've carried for so long from that stigma. I tried to be happy and be proud of myself. But sadly, in reality, the stigma and ableist issues are still growing.

You have no idea how hurt has been because of these harmful tools & dangerous myths that everyone kept believing, especially at school. And yes I have so many wounds from different moments as well...

A wound is what I'm saying that it's about trauma, a shock, a fear, a jolt, and an intense impact just like an amazing book/study course by one of the most wonderful people on earth, Katie Gray. I recommend this amazing book, ‘Journey Of The Empowered Heart.’

Instead of awareness(it's not a disease) and acceptance(I do not own anything or others), I prefer to be more appreciative...