Living with an Eating Disorder
The ups and downs of the disorder.
I'm 38 years old and live with an eating disorder. I weigh 105 at 5"6 and wear a size 1 in pants that, even after wearing them all day, they will sag. I can goes days without eating and not think twice about it. I start noticing the effects only by the fatigue and body cramps. My heart races at times for no reason. When I feel those symptoms I binge eat for a couple of weeks, maybe even a month and a half. It's like my brain rewired itself systematically. I know it's all part of the disorder. I have never weighed more than 115 and I don't even know when I have fallen off track until I start feeling the symptoms. How long will I keep going like this? Will it last forever? I read about cases all the time where they won the battle and became healthy.
I'm 38 years old, God has shown me so much, and I know this wasn't what was meant for me. It will not defeat me. I have a 14-year-old daughter who fights the same disorder but instead of not eating, she overeats. I feel like I passed my disorder down to her simply by showing her unhealthy eating patterns. She noticed I stopped eating under stress or while angry or depressed. So she followed my illness on a different level and when I can't eat she eats for me. I never wanted that for her. I never wanted her to have to answer questions about my weight from her friend's. So I struggle with an eating disorder. It's an everyday real struggle. I don't understand it but I know it's happening. I eat today like it's going to be taken away from me. Like I'm starved. Like my stomach is touching my backbone, but tomorrow, will I have hunger shoved in the back of my mind? Will I have to reach way back somewhere for a reminder of whether I have eaten that day or not?
I sit back and observe myself from another perspective and wonder will I ever true my really snap out of it. Can I reprogram my mind to think healthier so I can help reprogram my daughter too? I ask myself these questions every day whether out loud in my head or in secret. I hope one day I will see it happen in me and in her. I talk to my daughter all the time and if there is one thing I know we have together, it's strong communication. Sometimes it's tense, but still there. She is self-conscious about weighing 145 at the age of 13 going on 14, as I am about my size at 38. I see it in the way she walks like I see it and feel it in my walk. It's the walk of a person feeling like everyone is staring and judging you and everything about you. Our eyes stay cast to the ground yet we see everything.
Low self-esteem, it's something I taught her while she watched me as she grew up. I asked her one day, did she know that what she does is emotionally eat like I emotionally starve myself? She said she knew this. My heart broke, but I kept it in real good and showed it by not eating that night or the next day. I have to watch out and not let my daughters problems be triggers for my own demon but it's hard when that's your child and she suffers from watching me. I just know we are going to fight this. We are too strong not to. She hasn't got to almost 14 to give up like I haven't gotten to 38 to give up. There is still a chance for us to beat this disorder. I lead, I know she will follow. The struggle of an eating disorder is real and it lives in different people in different ways. It's up to us to fight it. I know I'm in the fight ten toes deep.
About the Creator
Travis sandifer
Love to read and write short stories..I'm an inspired writer and inventor.
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Comments (1)
This sounds so damn tough! If it helps that one woman, perhaps across the world, believes you can overcome it, then hold onto that! Because I am that one! Keep fighting!