Leave the Light On

Sitting here, writing I had to just find something outside of myself for a moment to take stock of things. This picture, truly summed it up.

We are this little pinpoint in this greater thing called Laniakea, a supercluster in the Milky Way galaxy. When I say, we, I say so collectively, what I am perhaps referring to more is, I!

I live here, in this place, in this moment, wondering how to keep my light up?

In this ever encircling darkness, that is our media, this crisis, our reality, OUR reality, another point to stop and consider, how can we keep our light UP? This truly is the question. Do I matter? Does my one light help to create more light? Am I ALONE?

Yes, it has been a tough day I suppose--writing here in this time we call 2020, after the American election and in the month of December facing things, like pandemic relief, (what a concept there as well), and well, perhaps the possibility of homelessness leaves me feeling, shell shocked.

Two months, ago, I had a job, I was a teacher, with what seemed like a good job. I was working in person, and then contracted the illness at work, and so then I was not a teacher with a good job, but I was a teacher facing survival as I struggled with CoVid. Then I was let go during that time, while still sick, and now I am left here wondering. I am wondering if my light matters at all? Was I spared for a purpose? Or, just got lucky? Was I lucky? Yes, I suppose in the scope of things I was. But, when you lose WHO you are, and you lose control of HOW you are, it can be difficult to say the least.

So how to be a light, after darkness....or while going through it, I suppose that is the question.

Have I in that time while being sick or after, been a light at all to anyone else in this world? Right now, perhaps, I need that light I suppose for myself. Is it ok to say, yes, I need to be a light for myself right now?

Well of course I DO! I know this, inherently, but there is that other hardwire, the one that says do more, be more for others.

I begin to think of all the people in need, and then when I do that, stop seeing my own need, both are good, and yet, we also need to love ourselves. When I start to go down that path, I may, as my husband says, leave myself bleeding by the roadside. I have not been alone though.

For the last two months, now and yes, long before, I had been plugged into meditation. Two teachers especially, have been a guide, and others along the way, but I will focus on the two, as they stem from the work that I got most of my tools from.

The meditation group, an amazing group of healers and teachers, especially these two have helped me with the tools I was given clear back in 97. So, I have all these amazing tools, and great teachers, but yet, I can't seem to get my light amperage up to speed as they say...the speed of LIGHT!

The chest of tools sits there looking at me all shiny like and mocking me. "We gave you the tool chest NOW use it!" I hear that voice, trust me it does not come from anyone but myself.

"Use me, use me!!" They seem to shout up at me.

The Funny thing is I AM, right? Or at least I feel I am.

Should I crank it up more? Is there a more? Or is there a just right--right here, right now.

Today was a hard day. I had a hard time finding the 'mystic screwdriver' I had been given to create the light I needed. The teacher was there check. I was there check, check, I used the words, sunk into my heart--check, check, check!

But somehow, I wasn't there--I wasn't present. I could only think of the bills, pain that came from some other time and place, and all the things that were completely out of my control. I even felt guilty talking to someone about my struggle. Yes it was a real struggle, potential for eviction is a real struggle, 'Yes, you can truly say it, you are not being overdramatic', I tell myself.

I counted my blessings, tried to go over them one by one, so I could create the light I needed. But this time I could not...

But as the day progressed, someone else could, just a little. Just having a soul to listen to helped me to re-find the light, if only for a moment on this road map called LIFE.

So, perhaps I could focus on all the dark space out there around me encompassing me, sometimes its ok to notice the dark spots on the map. But, in time we need to perhaps try to get a broader picture. I found someone I had not talked to in a very long time, that just wanted to listen. Listen to me talk about the dark, and by doing so, perhaps led me a little bit closer to the light.

If you look at our place in the universe, it is not so dark after all.

We are surrounded by light, we are a light that increases that light. We are LIGHT, and when one of us stops, and listens to another, just for a moment, we can be reminded just exactly how bright it is on the path.

We don't always have to be the torch bearer, we can step back a bit and let others share their light with us, but, we have to be present. It is all about being present.

So in closing, Leave the light on.

Don't be so worried that you might be staring into the darkness a little bit at the moment. I guarantee, when the time is right someone will come in with a lamp for you, and you will be able to pick up the tools you have again.