I PRAYED FOR A MAN... GOD GAVE ME MY PEACE FIRST

I remember begging God for love.

Not just praying.

Begging.

Tears on the floor.

Heart in pieces.

Whispers of “God, please just send me someone to love me the way I love.”

I didn’t ask for perfect.

I just wanted someone who would choose me back.

Who wouldn’t use me, confuse me, or abandon me once he got what he wanted.

Someone who could handle my softness without seeing it as weakness.

Someone who would stay.

But bestie… God didn’t send a man.

Not right away.

He sent silence.

He sent empty beds, dry chats, lonely mornings.

He sent the quiet ache of waking up alone with no one to say “good morning” back.

And I thought it was a punishment.

But now I see…

It was protection.

You see, I didn’t just want love I wanted someone to save me from myself.

From the voices in my head that said I wasn’t good enough.

From the weight of motherhood that I carried like a shameful secret.

From the lies that told me “you’re too much” or “you’ll never be enough.”

So I dated men who didn’t see me.

They saw my body.

My softness.

My loyalty

But not my wounds.

Not my soul.

Not the way I break in silence and still show up smiling.

And every time I gave more than I got,

Every time I sacrificed my peace just to feel wanted, I found myself back in the same place:

Alone.

So I prayed harder.

I cried more.

I asked God:

“Why do You keep letting me love the wrong people?

Why do You let me get hurt over and over again?”

And bestie, the answer wasn’t loud it was still.

It came like a whisper deep in my spirit:

“Because you keep asking Me for a man…

When I’m trying to give you something better:

Yourself.

Your peace.

Your wholeness.

Your worth.”

That truth broke me.

Because I realized I had spent so much of my life chasing people to fill a space that only God could sit in.

And He wasn’t ignoring me.

He was waiting for me to stop settling.

He was waiting for me to see that love wasn’t found in who stayed but in who I became when no one else clapped for me.

So He gave me space.

He gave me silence.

He gave me myself back.

I started to fall in love with peace.

Real peace.

Not the kind that comes from a good morning text…

But the kind that comes from waking up and not feeling ashamed of my life.

The kind that comes from making tea in silence without worrying about who's ignoring me.

The kind that comes from knowing God doesn’t need me to be perfect just present.

Peace looked like:

Laughing with my child even when I was broke

Talking to God like a friend, not a genie

Dancing in the house for no reason

Cutting ties with people who didn’t clap for me

Forgiving myself for the years I gave to people who never saw me

Peace wasn’t loud.

It was soft.

Gentle.

Patient.

And slowly… I healed.

Not because someone loved me but because I loved myself enough to stop settling.

And then…

Without warning…

Without begging…

Love showed up.

Not perfect.

Not fairy tale.

But present.

Consistent.

Real.

He saw my stretch marks and didn’t flinch.

He heard my story and didn’t run.

He didn’t try to fix me he made space for me to just be.

But bestie, the truth is…

I was ready for him because I no longer needed him.

I didn’t need a man to complete me.

I didn’t need validation from his love.

I already had peace.

So he didn’t come to save me he came to add to what God had already rebuilt.

To every woman who is tired of praying for love…

Please hear me:

God is not punishing you.

He’s preparing you.

He’s saving you from the heartbreaks you would have walked into too soon.

He’s healing the parts of you that you would’ve ignored if someone was there distracting you.

He’s giving you yourself first because you deserve to know who you are before anyone else names you "theirs."

Now I pray differently.

I no longer pray, “God, send me a man.”

I pray “God, keep me in peace.

Keep me in purpose.

Keep me whole, so that when love finds me, it finds me complete.

Not desperate. Not begging. Not broken.

Just ready.”

And if you're reading this, and you’re still in the quiet part of the story…

If you're still lonely…

Still aching…

Still asking “why not me?”…

Please know your silence is sacred.

It’s where the real you is being born.

Don’t rush it.

Because when love finally comes,

It will not be your savior.

It will be your mirror.

And it will reflect back all the peace you built when no one was clapping for you.