I Got A Lot of Healing to Do Before I Die

Much like Curtis…

If you already have grasped the concept of this post, then you are my age and can relate to everything else I’m about to write. When I was a kid, listening to Wanksta made no sense to me. The song was catchy because it flowed like a nursery rhyme. As a kid who loves hip hop, you especially love the songs that are super easy to grasp the tune to. 50 Cent, as a middle schooler, was our hero. He emulated strength and resilience by just being big as hell and shot a million times. His songs didn’t have to make much sense because the sheer essence of him had us all sold. Now, that I’ve had upwards of 12 years to process his songs, one record in particular has been swirling around my head. The smash hit, “Wanksta” was a letter to his haters.

In the first verse, Fofty says, “I got a lot of livin to do before I die and I ain’t got time to waste.” That is a bar. What’s more interesting is the diss track version of this song by one of Fifty’s dozen of arch nemesis, Black Child. In the absolute disrespectful song, “The Real Wangsta” a fellow New York gang banger puts his own spin on that line. He says, “I got a lot of killin’ to do before I die and I aint got bullets to waste.

I’m not sure what kind of beef he and Curtis Jackson had at the time, but it sure was tenderized based on the energy of this diss track. After having both these songs wring through my ears, I developed my own take on this powerful line. Here it is. “I got a lot of healing to do before I die and I ain’t got bullets to waste.” It’s the same sentiment of Fifty’s point but a similar energy to Black Child’s stance. Hear me out.

Black Child doesn’t seem to mind whether he lives or dies, while we all know that 50 Cent’s will to live rivals that of Hercules. My own spin on their philosophy is that while 50 is living and Black Child is killing--I’d like to be healing. Right now, I’m doing more healing than anything else in my life. I am healing from PTSD at work, in childhood and in my life as a young, wild and free New Yorker. I am, I believe, meeting myself for the first time in my whole life. It feels amazing but the more I learn about the absolute unpredictability of life, the more I realize how precious time truly is. I recognize, that while I’ve come so far in my repair work, I still have quite a bit of healing to do before I’m ready to leave this version of my human experience. The second part-- about bullets is because I can relate to Black Child’s thinning patience.

There have been so many tests of my own patience throughout my healing journey. Right now, I am being challenged with exercising non-interference. As I grow to understand that a person truly at peace, let’s call them the sage, does not engage in conflict. There have been numerous instances and opportunities for me to pop off on people who try and play me. My greatest flex is not popping off. Like Black Child, I too, do not have bullets to waste. If I go around this world shooting back at everyone who takes a shot at me, then I will mis-spend endless energy and effort on battle. The same battles, that if I just fall back for a few weeks, the conflict melts and subsides on its own. After multiple instances of watching conflicts resolve themselves without me getting down in the dirt with whomever my offender is, I finally get how it works.

Energy is a nonrenewable resource. We only have a certain allocation amount. Which means being selective about where you place your energy is paramount. Clapping back, shooting daggers and popping off is an immense energy suck. There is an easier way to quiet conflict. It’s called changing from the inside. You recognize what and why you are triggered and have a conversation with the inner child inside you who is throwing a temper tantrum. Talk through your triggering moment in the way you needed an adult to talk to you as a child. Be the voice of reason you never had to the little boy or girl you never got the freedom and safety to be. Going inside yourself for a few days/weeks to resolve whatever inner demon swing dance is happening is a much more efficient way to live life. The other option ages you significantly because it requires you to go toe-to-toe with any and everyone that trips your trigger. That’s a lot of bullets. At this point the people pissing me off are not worth the cost of replacing the ammunition.

I’ll continue to let them be the gangtas and wankstas they believe they are and in the meantime, I’ll continue elevating. Most times, haters don’t even see you when you are doing inner work. They only react to outward shine. So, I make sure when I pop out--I make it look sexy. The last thing I need to be true about me is what Fifty says in the chorus, “You been hustling a long time and you aint got nothing.” Folks end up in that camp when they neglect to invest in themselves and allocate their ammunition / energy accordingly.