How to Let Go of Past Relationship Trauma

Letting go of past relationship trauma is one of the hardest emotional journeys a person can face. Whether it's from a toxic relationship, betrayal, abandonment, or emotional abuse, the emotional scars can affect not only your future relationships but your overall mental health, confidence, and peace of mind.

But healing is possible.

In this article, we’ll explore the psychology behind relationship trauma, the signs that show you’re still holding on, and practical, step-by-step strategies to help you move forward with a stronger, healthier mindset.

Understanding Relationship Trauma

Relationship trauma occurs when emotional or physical wounds from a past relationship leave a lasting impact on your mental and emotional well-being. This may include:

• Betrayal (e.g., cheating)
• Gaslighting or manipulation
• Abandonment or rejection
• Physical, verbal, or emotional abuse
• Loss of trust or self-worth

Over time, this trauma can become ingrained in your subconscious, shaping your thoughts, actions, and future relationships. You may start believing that love always leads to pain, that you're not worthy, or that you're better off alone.

These beliefs are normal responses to trauma, but they don’t have to be permanent.

Signs You're Still Carrying Past Trauma

You might think you’ve moved on, but your behavior and emotions may say otherwise. Here are some common signs:

• Fear of intimacy or vulnerability
• Distrust in new partners
• Overreacting to minor triggers
• Constantly comparing new people to your ex
• Feeling stuck, bitter, or resentful
• Avoiding relationships altogether

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward healing.

Why Letting Go Is So Hard

Letting go is difficult because relationships aren’t just emotional—they’re neurological. When you bond with someone, your brain creates emotional and chemical connections (especially with the hormone oxytocin). These connections make breakups feel like withdrawal.

Moreover, trauma embeds itself in your nervous system. Your body remembers the pain and creates defense mechanisms that often sabotage future happiness.

But here's the good news: what was learned can be unlearned, and what was broken can be rebuilt.

Step-by-Step Guide to Letting Go of Past Relationship Trauma

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve

Grieving is a crucial part of healing. You may be tempted to bury your feelings, distract yourself, or jump into another relationship but suppressing emotions only prolongs the trauma.

Give yourself space to cry, write in a journal, talk to a friend, or simply sit with your emotions. It’s okay to mourn the loss of what could have been.

Pro Tip: Try “emotional purging” by writing a letter to your ex that you never send. Say everything you need to say, then burn or delete it. It helps release emotional weight.

2. Accept What Happened-But Don’t Let It Define You

Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. It simply means acknowledging that the past happened, and it’s out of your control.

Avoid replaying the “what if” or “why me” scenarios. The more you resist the past, the more power it holds over you.

Instead, tell yourself:

“I didn’t deserve what happened, but I can choose how I respond to it now.”

3. Understand the Lessons- Not the Blame

Every experience, no matter how painful, carries a lesson. Rather than blaming yourself or your ex, reflect on what you’ve learned.

Ask yourself:

• What red flags did I ignore?
• What did this teach me about my needs and boundaries?
• How can I grow from this?

By shifting your perspective from victimhood to self-growth, you begin to reclaim your power.

4. Set Boundaries - Including With Your Ex

If your ex is still in your life (e.g., co-parenting or mutual friends), clear boundaries are non-negotiable.

Block or mute their social media if seeing their updates triggers pain. Politely decline unnecessary contact. If you're tempted to reach out, ask yourself, “What am I hoping to get from this?”

Remember, you don’t need closure from someone else. You can give it to yourself.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Healing from trauma requires patience and self-love. You’re not “weak” for feeling broken. You’re human.

Replace negative self-talk with compassionate inner dialogue. For example:

• Instead of: “I’m so stupid for falling for them.”
• Say: “I did my best with the knowledge I had.”
• Instead of: “No one will ever love me again.”
• Say: “I am healing, and I deserve love and peace.”

6. Rebuild Your Identity

Often, we lose ourselves in relationships—especially toxic ones. You might have forgotten what brings you joy, what you stand for, or what makes you unique.

Start small:

• Revisit old hobbies or try new ones
• Redecorate your space
• Travel or explore solo adventures
• Set personal goals

This is your chance to become your own source of happiness.

7. Seek Professional Help

There’s no shame in needing support. Therapists, especially those trained in trauma or relationship issues, can help rewire painful thought patterns and introduce healing techniques like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

If therapy isn’t accessible, consider support groups, online communities, or books like:

• "Attached" by Amir Levine
• "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk

8. Practice Forgiveness (For You, Not Them)

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not about excusing harmful behavior; it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment.

When you forgive, you're saying, “I choose peace over bitterness. I won’t let this pain shape my future.”

Start by forgiving yourself for trusting the wrong person, for staying too long, or for breaking down. Then, if you're ready, extend forgiveness to your ex silently and internally not for them, but for your own peace.

9. Learn to Trust Again- Slowly

After trauma, trusting others can feel terrifying. That’s okay. Take baby steps. Don’t rush into a new relationship just to fill the void.

When you do start dating again:

• Be honest about your past without oversharing too soon.
• Observe actions more than words.
• Speak up about your needs and boundaries.

Healthy love doesn’t trigger fear it fosters safety.

10. Practice Daily Healing Rituals

Healing isn’t a one-time event. It’s a practice. Here are a few simple daily habits to include in your healing routine:

• Morning affirmations: Start your day with positive, healing statements.
• Journaling: Track your emotions, triggers, and wins.
• Meditation or breathwork: Calm your nervous system.
• Exercise: Move your body to release stuck emotions.
• Gratitude: List 3 things you’re grateful for each day.

These small acts compound over time and reinforce your journey toward peace.

What Happens When You Let Go

When you finally release the trauma, something magical happens. You reclaim your story. You start attracting healthier relationships. You feel lighter, more peaceful, and more connected to your true self.

You stop living in fear and begin living with intention.

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting it means remembering without pain. It means owning your scars as symbols of strength, not shame.

You Deserve Healing and Love

No matter how long it has been, no matter how deep the wound, healing is always possible. You are not your trauma. You are not unlovable. You are not broken.

You are growing. Give yourself permission to move forward not because the past was okay, but because you deserve a future that is.

Want More Resources?

Check out the CorewellFit Blog for more tools on emotional well-being, self-care, and wellness routines to support your healing journey.