How Being Sick Changed My Life

In January of 2020, I got really sick. It was the sickest I've ever been in my entire life. I called my primary provider to speak with a nurse just to get ahead of some of the symptoms I was experiencing.This was a feeling I have never felt before and it affected every part of my body. I had internal and external pain, and severe headaches. It got to a point where I had to take myself to emergency care. They had no idea what it was, and neither did anyone I shared this with. This severe pain lasted for about two weeks and I still went to work and school. I had no business going to either place, knowing I was incapable of standing up longer than 2 minutes.

Towards the second week I knew I couldn't get through this alone. The truth, is I didn’t inform my professors or my managers because I was ashamed. I subconsciously thought tending to myself would be perceived as over dramatic or lazy. I went back and forth on if I should tell anyone because I worried whether or not they would believe me. A year and a half has gone by and I experienced that same sickness, only this time its name was Covid. I got Covid before we even knew what it was in the United States back in January of 2020. The first time I got sick I didn't understand how. I consider myself to be healthy, and I'm always active. I thought if I ever get sick my immune system would be strong enough to beat it within two days tops. The second time I was furious because I couldn't believe this would happen to me again. Being angry got me nowhere. I did everything I could to continue my day to day by working from home, given the severity of the Covid. I continued to work from home and even conducted meetings, "faking the funk."

I thought faking it until I made it would pioneer me out of misery but it only sucked me more into it. I didn't get the sign that the universe was trying to tell me to slow down. When I got really sick the first time I didn't deal with it head on. I didn’t ask myself what it is that I truly needed. Instead I had a negative mindset and asked why am I sick, what did I do to deserve this sickness, and how fast can I get rid of this sickness. All of the negative thinking I was doing was blocking messages from the universe, and caused me to live in more pain. Naturally I got better with time, but it was a struggle to get there. When we aren’t in alignment for what the Universe is trying to bring us or prepare us for, it has a way of making us get ready.

Getting sick twice forced me to sit with myself and be open to all things. I learned that when I am working on auto-pilot, I am not truly living in my divine. I know what makes me feel good and what brings me joy, and I’ve learned to walk closer to those things. If something feels bad and only more bad comes along with it, it means it's bad. Don’t be afraid to choose you because you never know what beautiful outcomes you are saying no to. Give space for new opportunities to flood in. I learned that I’ve been programmed to think there is something wrong with putting my needs before others. I always thought about the worst possible outcome if I were to miss a day at work or school and those thoughts kept me stagnant. Not once did my managers or professors come off as people you couldn’t talk to. Holding my own beliefs as true is what hindered me from thinking differently.

When I was sick the first time, I'd just got back from my study abroad trip. I assumed I had a little cough passing through. All my shots were up to date so that ruled out any possible infections but I was tired of going to doctors who couldn't help me. I now know that I was being asked to be still and appreciate everything I had just experienced. I learned so much in India about spirituality and joy, but the moment I got back home it all went out of the window. I literally jumped from a world of peace and bliss, to a fast-paste robotic day to day. It was recommended on the trip to keep a journal and check in with yourself about how you are feeling. I didn't think twice about journaling because that was something I never did before. I figured we share our thoughts on the last day of class anyway so I'll talk about it then. We had writing prompts and different assignments to turn in, so I didn't want to make more work for myself. As I sit and type this now, I'm chuckling a bit because I can not end the day without journaling something. I live by it. Something I considered to be work is now something I swear by. I had all types of ideas about the person I wanted to become while in India, and I really tuned into nature. I always appreciated what nature could do for me, but I never asked what I could do for it. I became interested in veganism, recycling, pollution, and animals. I've never heavily thought about these topics before, they just stayed interest. This mindset left when I got back to my reality. What’s even more crazy is that during that time, I was meeting really great people who could have helped my career. But it always felt like I was meeting the right people at the wrong time. I always found something in the way whether it be money, work, or school. I was never fully prepared to go after my dreams because I thought I needed some sort of blue print. I learned the only thing you need is the want, and the why. If you can fuel your want with love, and you're why with purpose, you can do or become anything.

If I were to take that simple advice of keeping a journal, maybe I’d recognize the girl who was dreaming in India is still that same girl in Chicago. I would have monitored how I felt and had a physical reference to go off of. I let those moments slip away when my life got hectic and the universe had no choice but to interfere. I look at that moment as a beautiful reminder that the universe is always working for me, not against me. I believe you can apply this concept to any situation in your life, because all it asks is that you surrender and allow the universe to serve you.