Gaslighting 101

Gaslighting is a term found almost everywhere. Surely if you have a cell phone, computer, and access to the internet you have come across the world more times than you can count. Unfortunately, this familiarity does not automatically translate to understanding. In fact, many of us are too afraid to ask, or even seek further clarification when it comes to subjects, we don’t fully understand. We will fake it until we make it and hopefully pick things up quickly as we make our way through. So, if you find yourself in this group keep on reading. Where gaslighting will not only be broken down and explained, but you will walk away with an understanding as to why it is so damaging to not just your relationships, but your mental health as well.

Broadly gaslighting can be defined as manipulation, and the term gets flung around so easily that it is easy to confuse general manipulation as gaslighting. In reality, gaslighting is a much more specific form of manipulation and psychologists recognize it for what it truly is : a form of psychological abuse. Gaslighting sees the manipulator intentionally trying to get someone else to question reality, memory, or perceptions. People experiencing this form of manipulation often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves and their instincts.

The end game of gaslighting is to give the manipulator their way, and while it can be found in intimate relationships, it can also appear in friendships, familial ties, and work relationships. Some common techniques of gaslighting include:

TRIVIALIZING: The manipulator will minimize your feelings, suggest your emotions don’t matter, or accuse you of overreacting.

COUNTERING: This tactic includes questioning your memory, creating new details, denying something happened or placing the blame on you.

WITHHOLDING: This can happen with putting off your attempts to have a discussion, episodes of ghosting, and accusing you of confusing or manipulating them.

DIVERSION: This tactic is seen when you bring up a specific incident, behavior or statement and they attempt to change the subject or suggest you are making it up.

FORGETTING/DENYING: Similar to diversion when they are confronted with a specific example, they say they don’t remember it or that it never happened.

DISCREDITING: This occurs when the manipulator involves other people and tell these outside sources that you can’t remember things accurately, get confused easily, make things up or blow things out of proportion in a dramatic fashion.

Some signs that you may be on the receiving end of gaslighting have been explained by The National Domestic Violence Hotline and they include:

1) Feeling confused and in a constant state of second guessing yourself.

2) Finding it difficult to make simple decisions.

3) Frequently questioning if you are too sensitive

4) Becoming withdrawn or unsociable.

5) Constantly apologizing to the manipulator/abuser

6) Defend the manipulator/abuser’s behavior

7) Lie to family and friends to avoid the need to make excuses for the manipulator/abuser

8) Feeling hopeless, joyless, worthless, and incompetent.

On top of this gaslighting can lead to anxiety, depression, and when it is part of a wider pattern of abuse psychological trauma. While studies have been done to examine why people gaslight (which range from manipulation, abuse, and personality disorders), one of the biggest factors can be attributed to learned behavior.

Antiquated societal norms have played a significant role in perpetuating toxic behaviors that were socially acceptable once upon a time. Generations of sexism, racism, and classism all contributed to the idea that there is always someone for everyone to answer to and please. Be it partner to partner, parent to child, doctor to patient, Boss to employee and government to citizens. The end result being gaslighting becoming a learned behavior that the manipulator either doesn’t fully recognize or they feel justified in using.

So where does that leave us? Well, the answer isn’t as black and white as we would all hope it to be.

The most important step in responding to gaslighting is to recognize you are in fact being gaslit. Gaslighting isn’t always easy to recognize, as it typically starts small and can sometimes mimic other behaviors. True gaslighting is a pattern of these behaviors being repeated with frequency.

Someone who offers a different opinion, or is convinced their knowledge and opinion is right, being overly critical may be rude, bothersome, or annoying. They are not gaslighting you. If they are not trying to manipulate you it is generally not gaslighting. Someone saying they don’t have time for this or suggest you may be overreacting doesn’t automatically equate gaslighting. It may not be a helpful or productive response, but it is not always manipulation.

Gaslighting requires taking into account both their actions and your feelings. Does their behavior lead you to doubt yourself, wonder if you’re oversensitive, apologize frequently, struggle with decisions, and general feelings of confusion, anxiety, and unhappiness ?

If the answer is yes that is when you need to take some space from the situation/person. Depending on the relationship, such as a coworker, you may want to collect evidence. This may include saving texts and emails, note dates and times of conversations, and summarize conversations with direct quotes in writing.

Speak up about the behavior while remaining confident in your version of events. Gaslighting works because the intent is to confuse you while chipping away at your confidence. When you show that you will not back down you are reclaiming some of your power. Another effective strategy is seen in handling the insults and criticism often used by a manipulator. They frequently disguise insults as “jokes”. The best way to handle this tactic is to simply ask them to explain the joke as if you don’t understand. It is a subtle and non-confrontational method to call out their behavior and intentions. This mixed with confidentiality repeating what you know happened can be enough to get them to back off . If they continue to challenge you the best response is refusal to get drawn in to further conflict. A simple statement such as, “ Apparently we remember things differently, but I’m not going to argue about it.” Followed by changing the subject, ending the conversation, or leaving the room.

Another important step when dealing with gaslighting, or anything else, is to employ good self-care. Taking care of your physical and emotional needs won’t prevent gaslighting, but it will make all the difference in handling and responding to it. Dedication to relaxation and wellness improve your physical, emotional, and psychological state. The result is feeling stronger, confident, and resilient in facing the daily challenges in your life. Some self-care techniques include incorporating positive self-talk, making time for hobbies, spending time with family or friends, yoga, your faith, physical activities you enjoy, keeping a journal, and simple practices like eating well and getting good sleep.

It is also important to involve people in your support network. They have both your best interests in mind but are still uninvested in the situation. This makes them the ideal people to offer an unbiased perspective while offering loving guidance and support.

Lastly, and most importantly , is to seek professional support. While many people can seek out a counselor to help them deal with the emotional and psychological toll of gaslighting, for others it can be more serious. Gaslighting can lead to emotional abuse or physical abuse as well. When gaslighting has become abusive it is important to take the steps to create a safety plan. This includes a way to protect yourself from abuse before, during and after leaving the situation or relationship. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a safety plan includes: a list of safe places and escape points, list of people to call upon for help, and a list of local resources for domestic abuse victims.

Gaslighting can escalate over time into violence. Anyone who believes they are experiencing abuse from a partner or family members should seek support. Contacting your local domestic abuse organization will offer you the help you need. They include helplines, in-person support, counseling, and temporary housing.