Epilepsy

When I was 15, I was in an ATV crash. It was my friend's family reunion.

A random road trip, I didn’t know we were taking. I’d told my mom that I was going to her house for the weekend. That wasn’t a lie. I wasn’t aware that a random family vacation would bring me to this point in my life.

I’d never driven a motorized vehicle of any kind. I’d never been behind the wheel of any vehicle.

We were teenage girls, excited to see the world!

After a few minutes of my friend driving, she insisted I drive, to feel what she felt, to know what it felt like to be alive!! Needless to say, I drove over a bump and blacked out into a tree. So much, for understanding what it meant to be free.

My friend was behind me, and I vaguely remember her screaming my name. I came to with the flashing lights of a helicopter, apologizing to my friends mother about the broken bikini.

Even in near death my humor has always gotten the best of me.

I was lifeflighted out of the campsite.

A whole family reunion was destroyed by this one act of a wreckless, naive, teenage girl. Trying to rule her life, and conquer the world. The repercussions of the crash resulted in the epilepsy I have today.

I used to consider my epilepsy as a weakness, in some cases it is. I considered myself broken, dim, useless. I felt like I had no purpose in the world.. I felt like a robot, but robots don't have feelings unless they’re programmed with words. All my feelings were numb. My body was there but my mind was elsewhere.

It's like walking on air and not knowing what's underneath you. Physically I'm present, but unaware.

Looking around, but not understanding. It's straining. Not knowing why your brain is on fire, why you're short circuiting.. Literally feeling like a breaking robot, "I can't commmpuuut..... *silence*

Waking up on your own, who knows how long you were out.

Was it an hour or a few seconds?

You look outside, it’s dark.

You just lost a whole day, while the world keeps spinning!!

The room is spinning, your head is pounding, screaming for something that cannot be determined.

You think to yourself. “I’ve been eating right, I’ve been getting my eight hours of sleep. Keeping up on this damn medication, what more do I need?!” How did you fall down? What caused it this time? What triggered it? What aura did you feel before it happened? What were you doing before it took a hold of you?

Everybody around you treats you like you're fragile but you don't know why. Footage skipping like an old VHS, flashbacks of little pieces to remember randomly. How did that happen? What led to what? Living your life but with a little sense of memory.. Never knowing how you hit your head.

Normal relationships? Forget it. Epilepsy is a burden for those who do not understand what it’s like living with the brain on fire. Those who can't handle it will just leave our lives.

That's where my strength comes to play. I've had epilepsy for the last 5 years knowingly. Most of the people I had in my life, my seizures have scared off. It's like having a superpower, knowing who has your back and who doesn't. Who can handle you at your weakest and help you through it? Who will leave at soonest moment. Who will drop you for a dime, who will leave when it's not right. Who's willing to go that extra mile, who will help you fight.

It took me a while to understand my own epilepsy. I was angry! *trigger* I tried to fight it, deny it, destroy it, and absorb it. I still have a hard time handling it, I still cry when I can' t remember certain events, but I've learned to accept it, and embrace it as a positive in my life. A protection if you will. My epilepsy doesn't define me, but is a part of me. My brain is electric. Does some powerful things, some can't be defined, some can't be explained, my brain is a strange one this much I know is true, but it's not my brain that keeps me loving you.