Disabilities And Love.

I have been married for over twenty years.

When I first met my husband, he already had disabilities. He suffered a brain tumor as a very young child, and he had an operation to remove that tumor which almost ended his life.

When I met my husband, he had:

• Mental health problems.
• Right sided weakness.
• Sight problems.
• Balance and coordination problems.

Despite the above, he had strength and the energy of a bull. He used to run, and he even finished a marathon.

Then he had a car crash which added chronic pain to the mix.

He tried to go on, because he loved his job in nursing which he had been doing for over 30 years.

He also wanted to provide for his family, and he felt bad about considering leaving work.

He knew that money would be hard, and he worried that he wouldn't be able to offer what he was offering at the time.

Then Covid-19 struck leaving him with:

• Fibromyalgia.
• Sleep problems.
• Nightmares.
• Impulsive movement of the muscles.
• More chronic pain.
• Constant tiredness.
• Confusion.
• Slower thinking processes.
• More extended sight problems.
• More balance and coordination problems.

He felt ashamed because he used to be the stronger one in the family, the one who helped me deal with my own problems, and the one who organized most things in our family.

He worried that I would leave him because of these disabilities. It is a common worry for those in relationships when they are faced with life-long changes.

I have seen this happen so many times in my life. People fall in love with someone they describe as beautiful or handsome; then something happens to their partners that changes them, and they decide the relationship is not worth it anymore.

When we marry, we are making a commitment:

"In sickness and in health."

A long-term relationship is not like in the movies where everything stays perfect forever

Sickness happens, disabilities occur, life threatening illness occurs, we get older, and death occurs.

Nothing ever stays the same.

That strong man or woman you met and fell in love with many years ago, may at some point have a life-changing accident or illness that may cause changes they and ourselves may not expect or be prepared for.

When we fall in love, we base love on the person and the feelings that we have for that person. Just because a person falls ill or ends up with disabilities does not mean the end of love. Feelings go much deeper than physique, they come from a deeper connection.

My partner was strong, handsome and good looking when I first met him. It didn't go unnoticed. However, there are many beautiful women and handsome men out there, so when I met my partner, I wasn't stuck for choice.

However, my partner also had mental health problems where he could go into the depths of dark moods and depression.

I knew that his moods could be manic at times, though that didn't stop me because he was caring, loving, kind, warm-hearted, and when we talked it was like we had known each other forever.

Today, the man I married is constantly tired, always in pain and uses disability aids to get down the stairs, in the bath and out and about with. He has nightmares, is restless at night, has impulsive movements caused by his nerves, and some times he tries to verbalise things and it doesn't come out right.

However, despite all this, he is still the man that I love.

He often feels bad when I have to help him up when he falls, guilty for keeping me awake at night and bad about not being able to help me or be with me in the way that he used to.

He also feels ashamed about being in so much pain, and sleeping during the day.

Disabilities in relationships in society today are often shunned. People often see others with disabled partners as a burden on people like me. I ofent get comments like "it must be really hard on you," and " you must have no life of your own." I also have to put up with people telling me to leave when the going gets tough.

This in return causes the disabled person to feel bad about being disabled. It is like saying disability makes a person unworthy or incapable of love, and I shouldn't be in love anymore because things are different.

This is wrong.

Too many people in society meet a partner and base their feelings on how they are at the time of meeting. They do not consider the unexpected life changing events that can happen over the course of time.

They are happy until something happens and changes things. Then something like an accident or mental illness happens, and they decide the partner is different and they leave because they can no longer do the things they used to do.

Of course if the relationship has broken down, or a partner is violent then it is o.k to leave. After all, a disability does not give permission for one to put up with abuse.

These are things my partner worried about:

My partner tried to go on, because he loved his job in nursing which he had been doing for over 30 years

He also wanted to provide for his family, and he felt bad about considering leaving work.

He knew that money would be hard, and he worried that he wouldn't be able to offer what he was offering at the time.

Then Covid-19 struck leaving him other disabilities and problems:

Fibromyalgia.

Sleep problems.

Nightmares.

Impulsive movement of the muscles.

More chronic pain.

Constant tiredness.

Confusion.

Slower thinking processes.

More extended sight problems.

More balance and coordination problems.

He felt ashamed because he used to be the stronger one in the family, the one who helped me deal with my own problems, and the one who organized most things in our family.

He worried that I would leave him because of these disabilities.

I have seen this happen so many times in my life. People fall in love with someone they describe as beautiful or handsome; then something happens to their partners that changes them, and they decide the relationship is not worth it anymore.

When we marry, we are making a commitment:

"In sickness and in health."

A long-term relationship is not like in the movies where everything stays perfect forever.

Sickness happens, disabilities occur, life threatening illness occurs, whether we are young or old.

Nothing ever stays the same.

That lovely man or woman you just met and married many years ago may at some point have a life-changing accident or illness. There are people in society who do not consider this. They expect everything to stay the same.

When we fall in love, we base love on the person and the feelings that we have for that person. Just because a person falls ill or ends up with disabilities does not mean the end of love. Feelings go much deeper than physique, they come from a deeper connection.

My partner was strong, handsome and good looking when I first met him. It didn't go unnoticed. However, there are many beautiful women and handsome men out there, so when I met my partner, I wasn't stuck for choice.

However, my partner also had mental health problems where he could go into the depths of dark moods and depression.

I knew that his moods could be manic at times, though that didn't stop me because he was caring, loving, kind, warm-hearted, and when we talked it was like we had known each other forever.

Today, the man I married is constantly tired, always in pain and uses disability aids to get down the stairs, in the bath and out and about with. He has nightmares, is restless at night, has impulsive movements caused by his nerves, and some times he tries to verbalise things and it doesn't come out right.

However, despite all this; he is still the man that I love.

He often feels bad when I have to help him up when he falls, guilty for keeping me awake at night and bad about not being able to help me or be with me in the way that he used to.

He also feels ashamed about being in so much pain, and sleeping during the day.

Disabilities in relationships in society today are often shunned. People see others with disabled partners as a burden on people like me. This in return causes the disabled person to feel bad about being disabled.

Too many people in society meet partners and do not expect the unexpected changes.

They are happy until something changes their partners, then instead of supporting them or asking for support themselves, they leave.

Of course if the relationship has broken down, or a partner is violent then it is o.k to leave. After all, a disability does not give permission for one to put up with abuse.

However, consider that some disabilities can bring on unexpected behaviour and don't leave that person without support or help. Particularly if there is a mental health problem behind that behaviour. You have the right to be safe, though think about support routes too because there are some mental illnesses that can be complicated in terms of behaviour.

My partner might have disabilities, but every single day I try to do something to help him; even when I am unwell myself. Some days are more difficult than others, and sometimes I have to step back and take care of myself.

A person with disabilities deserves to be loved and seen in the same way a person without disabilities does.

There are events in life that can permanently and suddenly change a persons life.

Isn't it time we stepped away from the 'poetical romance' stories, and saw love for what it really is?

Thankyou for reading this story. Hearts and/or tips are always welcome. Feel free to share my story with anyone who you think would appreciate it, and thankyou so much for reading.