Dear crohns

Dear crohn’s….

It’s been just over five years since you were properly introduced to me, face to face. Looking back on it all the feelings I had, the fear, the wondering, the shock… they were some of the most valid feelings in my past. I have spent the last two years fighting to win in an on-going and forever battle with you, and I think that for the most part I was successful. I hit bumps but I always overtook you, my mind always conquered. Even when you would attack I was able to rely on my mind for the support and courage to overtake you. I always saw past the attacks, I may have struggled at times, but I won time and time again.

Yet here I am, facing the biggest and strongest attack you have ever come at me with. I know I will win, I will come out on top, but for right now, my body is taking a hit. My mind is as well. I am facing a new type of battle, one where instead of you attacking my body, you are fighting for my mind too. I refuse to let you win. I won’t let that happen, no matter how long it takes. I am nearly speechless, I am so angry…. Or sad…. Or both. Definitely both. I’m angry with you for trying so hard to hurt me. I’m angry that you cause me pain, and pick the worst times to do so. I am sad. Sad because I just want my life back… I just want to go back to my normal activities. Sad because I can’t physically handle that, because in this battle, you are giving me a run for my money. I have never felt so beaten, so hurt, so exhausted and it is all your fault.

You have my mind in knots, tangled in every direction. The ‘what if’s’, the fear, the stress, the want for my life back, the meds, the treatments, the struggles, the triumphs, the wins, the good days, everything…. You have me feeling everything all at once somehow. I don’t know how you did it, how you etched into my head, how you turned my entire life upside down… Four weeks now we have been in battle. Four weeks of pain, exhaustion, and anger. And for four weeks I have wished for you to go away and allow me to go back to ‘good’. I just want my normal back, even though that normal is far from normal. My normal is different, but I want it so desperately right now.

You won’t win. I will. I always will. Because I will always be stronger than you. But you know what confuses me most, I wouldn’t give you up. I hate you. I hate everything you have put me through. I hate everything you do to everyone who suffers from you. And yet, I wouldn’t get rid of you, Because you push me to the limits, and always prove to make me stronger. So despite how much I hate you, I am also thankful for the strength and determination you have planted within me.

So here I am, a chaos of every emotion and in pain. I am furious, I am devastated, I am annoyed, confused and ready to win.

So for now I am going to accept the reality of this battle. It will end. But for now, I am just gunna go back to as normal as possible no matter what. I’m still angry and sad and everything else, but for now I just have to accept that.

Normally I would give myself some inspirational advice and just smile and be okay, but this time, that is not enough. This time I have decided that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to struggle and be angry.

With all my anger, and my most sincere words,

Your opponent. Consider this war.

Some fear the fight, others become it. Never forget who you're fighting.

War is won with pure hearts, not evil.