Befriend your ego and practice owning your shit

“ When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from you, you will learn both peace and joy.”

- Dalai Lama

Do you own your shit or give away your power? How we take ownership and responsibility in our lives with the role that we play in any situation that we’re in, any interaction that we share with another, plays into our sense of self, our ego. We have our own set of beliefs and our own history that we come from that creates our current set up. I’ve noticed we either take ownership of the part we play or we just kind of roll with it and potentially blame others or blame circumstances and refuse to take ownership of our position and/or role in things.

This concept was very clearly brought to my attention when I was in my internship for my psychology degree. I remember that my supervisor used to be really quiet when coming into my office and then would speak and I would jump out of my chair. I made a comment about this at one point, that he would freak me out, and he stated “I don’t make you anything.”

That statement alone has really stuck with me. Anything I am feeling, anything going on internally for me is mine. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility or anyone else’s cause. It may be reactions and responses to things that are happening but that reaction or response is still mine. It’s not someone else’s fault, it’s not the circumstances making me do something or be a certain way. It’s my choice. It’s my beliefs, my understanding of things around me. All of that is mine to own. It’s my ego.

Unfortunately, society often teaches us that the ego is a negative thing. People are negatively judged as egotistical and we are taught this is not something we “should” be. This is simply not true. The ego just is. It is our sense of self, and the part of the mind that serves as the go-between for the conscious and unconscious. Positive and negative judgements of ego are generally more a judgement of its use rather than of ego itself. We can use our ego to lift us up or beat us down. There is benefit to having an ego that supports a sense of worth and confidence in one’s skills and there are challenges to having an ego that reinforces beliefs that one isn’t good enough or not capable. I invite you to take a moment and consider how your ego shows up for you — is it helpful or harmful?

The following is a useful description of ego by psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera:

“Ego takes everything personally. It uses interactions with people to prove we matter. That we exist. Ego comes from a space of fear. It creates a steady story of limitation to keep us in the familiar. To repeat what we know. there’s perceived safety in comfort. Ego believes the illusion of competition. It creates an ‘us’ vs. ‘them’ mentality. Its roots of scarcity disconnect us from others and create threats out of other people. And we stay hooked. Hooked into the steady thought stream in our mind. Believing them to be true. Believing we ARE our thoughts. That we ARE our emotions. That we ARE our beliefs. This is why we continue repeating the past - we go along without question. On autopilot, we exist within the lens of our past.”

The good news is that much of the challenges that arise are based in beliefs and beliefs are something we have the power to change. There are a variety of practices and techniques that we can use to inquire into and explore our beliefs and the roles that they play in our lives. Yoga, Ayurveda, meditation, mindfulness, and many other spiritual and religious practices uses variations of inquiry to explore the self and our relationships.

In my experience, I have found that one of the first steps to taking on anything is to realize that we have more power than we have been led to believe if we are willing to take ownership and responsibility for ourselves and our lives. We have the ability at any time to change the direction our lives are going, to step off the road and change the path. We do not have to keep going just because we started this way. We do not have to keep going because someone else says we should or we believe that we should. Stop “shoulding” yourself. Take a moment and look within. What do you truly want? Are you willing to do what you need to do to make it happen?

At this point, I imagine that your ego has popped in voicing fear and concerns and a multitude of what ifs. Our ego is a huge part of who we are. It’s been a huge part of our life; it’s always going to be. Its job is to keep us safe and to protect us. Our challenge often with this then comes because our ego is working specifically with past information.

It’s going from what it knows from what you’ve experienced, what you’ve been through, what you’ve learned, what you’ve been told, things you believe about yourself, others, and the world around you; not all of this is stuff that is going to apply to the current situation but the ego doesn’t know how to separate that. So, it’s going to keep doing what it does and be like “but no this isn’t safe, are you sure? Are you sure? I don’t know about this, I’m worried, I’m afraid.” Does this resonate with you? Are these things you can relate to? The sense of fear. The sense of uncertainty that pops up with any new adventure, with any taking on of something different.

“Peace comes with practiced awareness. With self-observation. With witnessing our thoughts, as separate from us. Then we can make choices beyond the habit self. All our power lies there. This movement is about that space of power. The silent moments where you witness your ego without judgement, then act in alignment with your highest self. The self you know is somewhere in there, desperate to express. Do you want to work for your ego, or do you want to experience peace?”

- Dr. Nicole LaPera

There are three simple steps that we can take to help counter this, to begin to befriend our ego and have it a little more on our side.

The first step is to acknowledge it. We have to be willing to see that it’s there because the ego can be a lot like a little kid where it’s like: “ooooh, but, but, pay attention, pay attention to me” and it’s going to keep being very prodding and poking and repetitive and in your face until you give it that attention. So, the simplest first step is to pay attention. What is it telling you? What does it want you to know?

This leads us to the second step, which is to hear it out without judgment. Just listen. What does it have to say? What are its concerns? What is it worried about? Let it express its fears and why it thinks you aren’t safe. What is it worried about potentially happening? What is it basing this from? See if you can find out where these fears are stemming from. Is this something you can shift? Are there things you can do to help alleviate some of these fears? Can you think of past circumstances where this fear came up but did not manifest into reality? Don’t rush this step. The ego can be very creative — especially if you’re a fan of horror movies or true crime shows — and rather obsessive. As mentioned above, its job is to keep you safe so it’s going to do everything in its power to do this job well.

The third step is to send it some love, thank it, express some gratitude for keeping you safe, for keeping you protected, and letting it know it can rest now, you’ve got this. You’re going to take control; it’s done its job and you’ve got it from here. Know that this is an ongoing practice. The ego is going to pop up repeatedly on an ongoing basis and it’s this ongoing process and practice of self-love and understanding and acknowledging where this stuff is stemming from and whether or not it applies to current circumstances.

These steps are simple but not easy, there’s some work involved. If you are willing to practice this, it can help keep your ego a little calmer, a little quieter, more positive and a little more in a space where it’s got your back instead of running the show from a fear-based space.

The three steps recapped are:

1. Acknowledge your ego
2. Hear it out fully without judgement
3. Express love and gratitude, let it know it can rest, and take control

Imagine the possibilities going forward when you make your ego your friend, when you develop positive ego based in knowing your inherent worth, having confidence in your skills and faith in your abilities. Gifting yourself a life lived your way, embracing your personal magic and power.

Before we finish here, I want to share another example with you around owning your shit versus giving away your power. I came across a conversation happening on Facebook that began with someone posting an opinion and asking if others agreed. This conversation started with a good back-and-forth, asking questions and explaining differing opinions, then devolved into a fight that went nowhere as the original poster stopped taking ownership of their opinion and the results of it being shared in a public way.

One major demonstration of not taking ownership that stuck out to me in this conversation was the use of the phrase “I was raised to…” My first thought when I read that was: What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Do you not question anything you were taught or do you just hold on to that because that’s what you’ve been told your whole life by people of authority, teacher figures, or whatever you want to call them? Do you just take that blind faith that their word is truth? This perspective surprised me and I see it as giving away your power and not owning your own shit at all.

I believe that it is important to question things — especially as an independent, ever-evolving individual. To question what you’ve been taught. To question what you believe at any given time to see if it still fits for you. Does it still ring true for you, as you are now? Not just because it’s always been that way. Be willing to admit that you didn’t know, and now that you have new information your opinion has changed. The belief has changed. There is nothing wrong with that. I think it’s beautiful when people are willing to go “huh, yup, this thought process I’ve been hanging on to, or this idea, doesn’t fit anymore. I don’t agree with it anymore and I’m going to let it go.” That’s huge.

This is authentically owning your shit. Stepping into the driver’s seat of your life — taking ownership, taking responsibility, and taking control. This is powerful. And this is, I think, critical for all of us to do as individuals. To take ownership of our actions and be aware of the potential results of them and take ownership of that as well. To realize we each have the power to change things in our little part of the world. Every single one of us. Through the choices we make, the actions we take — or don’t take — and the way we live our lives.

Befriend your ego. Own your shit. Take back your power.