Apartment 413

January 25, 2021

It is a new year, and I don’t think I have written since the start of 2021. It is only January and look what the year has brought me. I was out pretty much since week 1 due to COVID. Yes, I could have written but I was out emotionally too. Not only was my body overwhelmed with sickness and fighting to recuperate, but my mind was also waging a war against anxiety at the same time. Not to share “TMI-too much info” but I also started my period straight away from coming out of being sick for two weeks, talk about energy depletion. Not only was my body tired but by the end of my isolation so was my mind. So, since I got COVID-19 I didn’t work for the past two weeks and a half and I also didn’t have the mental strength to sit down and type out a blog in completion. What better day to start again than the day I am back to work?

2021 brought me COVID. I firsthand experienced getting the virus, but my experience was different from others and that’s because all our bodies are different. At first, I started my day feeling a bit weak, I got to work and as my day on January 5th progressed, I felt sicker and sicker and feverish. Sure, enough when I finally decided I felt too sick to sit straight through the rest of my workday I excused myself from the office and went home to check my temperature. I had a fever at 99.6, at least that’s where it started. As the night came, I got hotter and weaker. Day 2 was upon me it was my boyfriend’s birthday, and I couldn’t even kiss him or hug him for the fear of it possibly being COVID-19. We both wear masks around each other. Not only am I still nursing a fever, but my roommates’ family’s house also burned down over night. I am beginning my self-isolation and my bf’s birthday I can’t even celebrate him, and my roommates’ family’s house is ashes in the ground? 2021, what did you bring? Things seem to be going south, I now have a cough and my fever has been fluctuating between 99.5 to 101.3 degrees, and my body is fighting. I maintain a small appetite, so I eat food for the sickly and try to stay as hydrated as possible. I fear prolonged weakness. I mentally fight the anxiety of fear of having COVID-19, after all I am going to be excused from work for two weeks. Another day passes, and another day I have fever and call into work. It is Friday and I have a COVID-19 test appointment. It’s the oral swab so I am not too anxious about the test, but anxious about the results. The weekend passes so fast with anxiety and weakness and masks at home. I pray every night before I go to bed that everyone remains protected and stay in my room all day. After panic and anxiety set in as it is almost Monday morning and I still feel sick and still do not have the results I hardly sleep at night. Also, for my irrational fear of dying in my sleep because I am sick. All my anxieties are a direct result of the news. I finally receive the results Monday morning at 6:15 in the morning right before I must make up an excuse. I have COVID-19 and I in fact should quarantine for fourteen days. Was this convenient? No, but I felt sickly and was grateful to have the excuse to rest.

I was already in five days of quarantine by the time I had my results and feeling fever free. My body was extremely exhausted from the rejection that it had toward food. I developed the worst diarrhea that did not allow my body to retain any food at all. The second I forced a couple of crackers down to calm my stomach, it would be out of my body the next. My stomach was so sore from lack of food that it ached. My back hurt like I was three days sore of an intense weighted back day in the gym. All I had been doing was laying down, how was that even possible? I got headaches like no other that made me so dazed and weak that I had to force myself to nap to overcome the discomfort. Days went on and I felt only marginally better by day ten. Finally, after about an entire week and a half I begin to regain my strength and walk around and want to be proactive. My body needs motion, and my mind needs release. I start to do little things here and there. I clean the room I organize the closet; I get tired. Dianna is home, so I find comfort in the fact that I am not entirely home alone. We have lunch together and talk and enjoy each other’s company momentarily. I am glad I had her there because she eased my anxious mind often and I appreciate that so much. As Chris had finally returned to work, I worried about the uncontrollable while I was alone, but never truly alone. I cook and I put a load in to wash and I get tired. It is almost six in the evening. That is why I rush to cook before taking a shower and freshening up. I finish cooking dinner and hurry to shower as he gets home. I missed him all day and he is moody because his first day back isn’t the best. I get out of the shower and he goes in. “Dinner is ready by the way,” I let him know before he closes the restroom door. I get the plates ready and let him relax and destress from his day. I managed to whip up a buttery, garlic shrimp pasta. With a hint of lemon all the flavors come together for this dish. I find happiness in cooking, so I feel great making delicious foods. Any time a dish is to my boyfriends and friend’s satisfaction I am happy. I genuinely enjoy cooking and having a complimented dish. Regardless, we end the night talking and sleeping early because I am exhausted even though I feel better. Chris works all day the next day too.

The next day I wake up early with Chris and make him breakfast and pack him his lunch. I am such a good girlfriend, aren’t I? Yes, I have been self-isolating but by this time it is day 17 of isolation so I feel a little more confident in coming out of my room. I also feel the strength to be a bit more active and get things done. Today I decide I am going to clean the restroom and sweep and mop. I do it all in between breaks to catch my breath. Is It all in my head or am I winded? In my head I know I am okay, so I continue. The room smalls clean and like coconut cherry candle scent. The restroom and tub are squeaky clean and smells nice. I am exhausted and no longer want to take a long relaxing bath. Chris has finally gone back to work, and I patiently await his arrival. Diana brings home some chick fill a after her new jobs orientation and I eat with her after I am done sweeping and mopping the entire room. We eat together and talk about many things and my day goes by. It is dinner time and I cook something for Chris because I am full, and I am exhausted. Once I am done cooking, I shower, and I wait for Chris. He asks about my day and ask about his, we talk about our days and he has dinner. I am happy he is home, and we unwind our exhaustion together and rest as we watch TV. Since he quarantined with me nearly two weeks, we started a show together called Vikings. Now, after work we watch an episode together before bed.

Saturday comes and Chris works all day again, but my anxiety overwhelms me. I wake myself up with the need to use the restroom and rise with a pulsing right side of my head. It throbs acute pain as if a needle were stabbing at my brain. I get up and walk to the restroom and grab some medicine on the way back to bed. Two Tylenol and a couple of gulps of water and deep breaths later I am back to sleep. I wake up at 6:50 to the sound of running water and both sides of my head throbbing. I get up and make Chris some breakfast and come back to bed and get under the covers. I leave him some fried eggs and toast bread with bacon ready on the table and he eats and comes to kiss me goodbye and he rushes off to get to work on time. We exchange goodbyes and a kiss, and he is gone. I struggle to go back to sleep; I just want to sleep off this headache. I drift in and out of dreams as I struggle to feel better. Once 11am rolls around I want to take another dose of medicine for headaches in specific. I text my roommate about mixing medications because I need something stronger and as soon as possible, she says if I eat, I am fine. My headache feels close to a migraine that I lack the appetite, but I need to eat. Thankfully, I made boiled eggs the afternoon before, so I get the three that are left and try different stronger medication to relieve the pain. My brain can’t take it and is overcome with anxiety? I start work on Monday and I am experiencing COVID-19-type symptoms. The anxiety of not knowing if I am COVID-19 free or not is getting the best of me. I hear Diana in the kitchen, so I go talk to her. “Should I get re-tested?” I ask her because even though I know I am going I want another opinion. “You don’t lose anything in going,” she says so I rush off to my scheduled appointment. I make it with five minutes to spare and am checked in and sent to wait at a tent. Kit in hand I re-take the test I took before and with the drop of the bag into the testing container an ounce of relief washes over me. My anxiety recedes a bit as I drive out of the testing site. But home is a thirty-minute drive and I want to buy a pre-rolled joint because everyone says it’ll help my anxiety. I make my way home and my anxiety spikes. I have no idea how my mind gets away from me but for a second I feel as if I might lose control of my body, I am so anxious. I breath and drive to a Walmart, I need a few things and I know I am fine. The Walmart is closed due to COVID-19, how insane. It drizzles and maybe the gloomy weather accents my anxiety. I finally arrive home after stopping for the joint and Diana is in the couch. I allow my mind to begin to relax I make myself some chicken for a late lunch as it is already 2pm. As I took my strength is exhausted. My anxiety skyrocketed and plummeted making me feel as tired as finishing a workout. As I eat and talk to Diana my anxiety calms down. I sit and relax and watch TV with her. We start a Netflix series that is on the top ten list called Bridgerton. We both get into it, after all it is comparable to an old century Gossip Girl, and that was our jam. Since it’s Saturday I tell Chris to bring himself some food I do not feel like cooking and he is probably starved. He stops to pick up Whataburger as expected as I finish the episode with Diana. He gets home kisses me hello and checks on me. My anxiety spikes a little as we discuss our day, and I am able to relax into his company after a while and I tell him I need to relax. Diana had asked me to drop her off to a bar she had agreed to meet a friend at, so I ask Chris to come with me. We drop her off and I feel a bit more like myself again, my head is no longer pounding but my anxiety is around the corner. I ask Chris to stop at Walmart since I didn’t get to earlier, a different one of course. I needed filling for a pillow that was a gift for his birthday. He questions my purchases as we drive home after but it’s fun to keep a surprise a secret. As we get home, I tell him about the joint and how I think it’ll help my anxiety. We get home I take one hit and I ask him to not look a minute as I gather some things and leave the room to stuff the pillow that has Baby’s face on it (his 13-year-old female dog that he misses since we moved out). I feel at ease as I stuff the pillow and come back to him in the restroom. I laugh because he asks if he can come out, I surprise him with Baby, pillow version, and he loves it. I am rewarded with a kiss and a smile and I am happy I have done good.

My day ends with a jam session to chill music, a high off love and ganja and a moment of true serenity after an emotionally loaded day. The next day I awaken feeling much more at ease and wake up with a sore head and a happy heart. Chris and I wake up next to each other and have breakfast together. I take a hit after I finish cooking and enjoy his company and the taste of blueberry Eggos with syrup and cold, fresh milk. Sunday will be a relaxation, mental recuperation, and chill day. Chris has declared it his lazy day as well, so I am happy with it. I unexpectedly receive my COVID-19 results and they are negative. I feel as if I can scream with joy and relief. As I celebrate in my mind and let my family and friends know I am all better, I take a celebratory hit. It has seemed to be helping my headache stay at bay, and I am happy for that as well. I am COVID-19 free, and I am fresh out the shower and it is a nice day outside and Chris is finishing up out of the shower too. I am blissfully in recovery, and I am feeling extremely grateful and excited to regain all my strength. Chris is finally out the shower and I tell him the good news, “You can kiss me worry free now for sure,” he is over the moon. We sit in our fresh room and watch an old movie for a minute as we allow for the news to sink in and the happy feelings to spread in our bodies. I groom myself up nicely as I am going ack to work on Monday morning and add a little makeup to my face to liven it a little. Chris enjoys his lazy day in bed, and I sit back down next to him when I am feeling put together and happy. We gravitate towards each other and can finally touch and kiss without restrictions. We linger in our kiss and become consumed by the desire to be closer together than we have been allowed to these past weeks. We become a flame in the shadows and melt into each other. The feel of you bursts my emotions straight out of me and I am overwhelmed with desire and love and release. We are together again in bed and we are both needy and ravenous. As I meet your passion and interchange control, I am on top of the world. I am myself again. Our love is deep and uncontrollable in those minutes. We lose ourselves in the sensation and spend every single drop of energy. A sip and a half of water later and an exchange of “I love you” and kisses, and we proceed to pick up food and nap together.

After a lazy day, physical and emotional love being refilled and feeling more in control of my anxiety I am spent, and we pick up some ingredients for a homemade dinner and prep for our work week ahead. After all, my COVID-19 experience allowed me to take an unofficial break from my daily routine. Even though I ended up weaker because of being sick in bed, I took it as a blessing to open my eyes and help me appreciate things a bit more than I had been. All things happen for a reason even the bad ones, and I will always believe this. Coming out of this I will become stronger not only in body but in mind as well. I know that this was just a test and it is up to me to decide the path I want to take. I will always strive for the path that leads me to personal growth. Forever grateful to have the boyfriend that I have that took such great care of me and provided. I am so happy to be out of isolation and so happy to be lucky in love because that is an amazing feeling. I am the creator of my path and I choose a path full of love and happiness.