The best thirty-five pounds I've ever gained; The Weighted Blanket

In the past year, I have spent more time online shopping than I have working. I guess you could say I spent most of my billable hours online shopping, and then a few hours after "work" online browsing, for extra measure. It's not that I am a bad employee or anything; I am just a product of my environment. The internet is where I make, and spend my money. If the movie Mean Girls was my life, I would play the part of the entire female population of North Shore High School, and my cookies and data would be none other than Regina George. "Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by your cookies and data." *I sheepishly lift my finger off the "checkout now" button and slowly raise my hand.*

I never intended to spend all of my time or money dragging luxury face oils, or boutique tobacco candles into my bottomless cart. I, like everyone else during the global pandemic, turned to social media for connection. I just needed some social interaction to feel more... at home(at the office). There I was, minding everyone else's business' on Facebook, and the ads rolled in, one after the other. They didn't have to be flashy to catch my eye. Like credits in a silent film, the advertisements romanced me with their sometimes humiliatingly personalized, pathological marketing.

While some ads hit a little to close to home, others hit the nail on the head. A "Star Wars" themed area rug that I can throw in the washing machine after my dog throws up cheese on it? Add to cart. Sweatpants made by my favorite over-priced, wallet-draining, yet environmentally friendly clothing brand? Checkout now. A massage gun that will soon replace all need for human contact? Add to bag. The unending lineup of garbage that no one ever needed came marching to my door, two by two. There were a few weeks there, where I genuinely had no idea what was inside the box that had arrived on my doorstep each day. Amazon sent me a shipping confirmation one morning that I thought was a mistake. It turns out I had too much wine the night before, and felt that spherical silicone ice cube trays would be the answer to all of my problems. I was wrong, but they were really cool for homemade cocktails.

The purchase I am most proud of, and have gotten the most use out of, is the weighted blanket. This advertisement was persistent. At first, I laughed at it. Why would I need that? Oh, how foolish I was. I had been piling blankets on myself, like an idiot, for years, looking for the same feeling of pressure on top of me. I would kick them off midway through the night, as I boiled beneath them. Coming in at thirty-five pounds, with soft and cooling bamboo fabric, the weighted blanket solved the problem. Proven to reduce stress, this blanket puts me to sleep quicker than using Benadryl recreationally does. I no longer need to pile seven blankets over me to fall asleep. Not only that, but it makes me activate my core, every single morning, just to get out of bed. It is essentially an at-home gym. In short, it is the best wellness or sleep upgrade I have ever made.

Living in the north, we take our sleep and hibernation season incredibly seriously. We have seven to eight months of winter every year; with daylight hours shortened to as little as five hours. Sleep is my hobby in the winter. So, you can imagine how much we appreciate an uninterrupted, high quality, comatose sleeping state. With this soothing and cooling heavy blanket draped over me, each night I crawl into bed, relaxed, and calm. Plastered to my bed, I have no motivation to toss and turn, because it is too much work. I fall asleep incredibly quickly, and do not wake up for almost exactly eight hours. My partner will attest to my level of unconsciousness that he witnesses when he comes to bed. Due to this genius invention, our dog regularly now nestles at out feet, enjoying that I am no longer thrashing around for a comfortable position. My partner also enjoys that I am not flailing around, kicking him in the shins. Everyone wins.

If you have taken on any sort of fitness routine at home, you know that there is a shortage of dumbbells and kettlebells on the internet. Hear me out; if you wrap this blanket around your shoulders, or fold it up and hug it tight, it can accompany you on your journey to building an ass. That's right, squat with this thing adorned on your shoulders, and problem solved. It is like a cape, for people with very fit, well-rested bodies. Workouts can be comfortable and effective. Getting out of bed is a literal weighted sit up. In this house, we build abdominals by getting out of bed.

There are very few downsides to this blanket, but they are important to consider. One, is that my partner has admitted to feeling emasculated in the process of making our bed. Lifting this thing up beyond our hips would probably require a forklift. It can also be dangerous pulling the covers closer to your face. Without the proper grip, you can end up punching yourself, or your partner in the eye. Of course, getting out of bed on weekdays can be a bit of a struggle, but this is nothing new for most working adults. As for the price point, for a king sized blanket, I spent around four hundred dollars. I guess this shows where my priorities are. Don't we spend half of our life asleep? Invest in your rest.

In the past, I have felt hoodwinked or targeted by most of the advertisements I have encountered online. I can admit and confirm that the weighted blanket advertisement has greatly improved my life. I sleep like a log, and wake up a new woman. I have a restful, quality sleep every night, and feel noticeably reduced stress when I climb under the heavy cover. I am no longer a weapon with limbs of destruction when going to sleep. My partner and dog rest peacefully, knowing I will not injure anyone, while trying to get comfortable. For the first time in my life, I am committed to an abdominal workout, every morning. I'd like to thank those crafty cookies and data, for persuading me to put on the best thirty-five pounds I've ever gained.