The Art of Leaving Quietly

There is an art and a science to just about everything--even leaving. For the first 17 years of my life, I unconsciously, yet diligently freed myself in silence. My screams were masked as laughter. I disguised my despair in joy. I solidified my path to a new life by alchemizing all pain into creative pursuits, such as writing, singing, poetry, dancing, achievement and excellence in school, etc. And guess what-- it worked. When it came time to kiss my captors goodbye, I was silently rejoicing while they sat in a rut of confusion on who they would drain the life out of in my absence.

“Despair is a feeling you get when you can no longer have something you never really wanted in the first place.” My Co-Star horoscope app fed me this jewel a few months back and it changed me forever. I have it etched on a sticky note and taped to my office desk at work. Grieving loss seems like the natural thing to do when life takes a sudden turn. There is something innate that tells us to be distraught when what you thought would be a permanent fixture turns into a severed tie. This quote is a means for grounding and assessment before giving into that natural urge to spiral into a depression.

Think before you type up those two pages of texts explaining your hurt away. Don’t do it. Is this a tragic loss you truly never saw coming? Or is it just an unexpected dose of despair? The ticket to getting beyond despair is just acceptance. Sometimes the harmful relationships that end, come at the perfect time--don’t fight it. When people give you an out, take it. Just trust me on this.

After realizing that some losses only net out to feelings of despair, now comes the true blessing--freedom. But what is the secret to guaranteeing a clean break? Especially when so many of us are under the spell of narcissists who feed off our suffering as a means for their survival? Rarely do these people consent to their victim’s emancipation. The answer is to master the art of leaving quietly.

You see, toxic people feed off your negative energy- the more you kick and scream about how bad they’ve hurt you, the stronger the monster grows. So, instead of “saying your piece” you can opt to sustain your peace by skipping the dramatics. Chances are--your aggressors knew exactly what they were doing the whole time. It’s hardly ever a surprise. Spare yourself the hiked blood pressure and sorrowful goodbye. Just leave quietly. No announcements, no Dear John letter--just go. Them people know what they did.

You don’t have to play the victim role if you don’t want to. Harness all that power you would have spent sliding down the wall in a pool of your own tears into making an escape plan and actioning on it. Imagine being bit by a snake and rather than suck the venom out-- you chase the snake and scream at it demanding to know why it would hurt you? You’re doomed to get bit again once you catch up to it. If you catch up to it before the venom in your veins takes you outta here. Harness all that hurt quietly, collect your strength internally and manifest action steps toward your own emancipation.

I learned more than a decade ago that, “One can not expect the oppressor to initiate the liberation process of the oppressed.” So just know your crocodile tears won’t move a bad person into being a patron saint. The best part about a quiet departure is that you can actually leave with your peace and dignity intact. The people that hurt you don’t deserve a long, drawn out explanation from you of their power and your weakness. If they are acting confused about anything, leave them to their own devices to figure it out. My mother tells me all the time, “it’s the not knowing that’s killing them.”