Roughhousing to Effect

Self-defense is all about responding without hesitation to solve a specific problem. Anything that introduces a hesitation into the system is likely to cause that chain to slow down and even collapse; in a fight, this means that acting with hesitation can cause you to lose, possibly suffering injury as a result. One of those things that women are socialized into is that they should not confront others physically, and in fact any form of roughhousing is "unacceptable." This creates a potential liability in a fight.

Consider the toys and sports girls are allowed to play with and compete in. Girls aren't allowed to play with cars or construction toys because "those are for boys"; this is why there's such a distinction between "action figures" (where the toys are allowed to act) versus "dolls" (where the toy is passively dressed and posed). When it comes to sports and other activities, a girl who wants to be on the football field rather than merely cheering them on is derisively called a "tomboy."

It's so bad that women who have no problem embracing their physical selves are called "butch" and "lesbian," as if only women who weren't interested in men could be visibly muscular, as opposed to the lithe athleticism of a ballerina. It's gotten so bad that a female boxer in the 2024 Olympics was called out as a trans-woman because she didn't look like what some thought a female athlete should look like. Even female martial artists are commonly called out because they break the "established norm" that women should not engage physically.

This effect of socialization has a major drawback when it comes to fighting: Since girls are taught to not fight, not even roughhouse, they can be hesitant to defend themselves if physically confronted. When placed where she is physically threatened, she is likely to shut down or hesitate, and that can lead to more dire situations. This means that most women must overcome that training, and the best way is through roughhousing of some sort, where she is encouraged to engage her physical half.

The Team Sport Advantage

Obviously, not all women are going to have this issue. A lot of mothers definitely have no problems in this regard, and the "redneck women" and former tomboys have definitely engaged their physical halves. For all other women, there are team sports and martial arts.

Understand that the goal is to overcome a lot of habits that have been forced into women over the years. A number of cultures have decided that being demure is a major part of how women should be; that is, they should be non-confrontational and should be steered away from physical labor (which is ironic considering how much of "women's work" is very physical). In that regard, the goal is to make women more willing to take physical risks and help eliminate some of the hesitation when things get physical. While there's no question that some women will take up powerlifting (and that's fine) just as it's likely some will decide it's not for them (also fine), the goal is to get over the socially-enforced demureness to some degree and not be afraid of physical; contact.

Competitive sports, even at the street level, do more than just allow you to get your hands dirty. They also build self-confidence as they expand the tools in your toolbox and you gain expertise in those skills; there's a huge difference between being able to merely jump in the water and keep up and diving into the water and leading the pack. They also help communication skills: If you can't explain "catch ball" to someone or understand a complex strategy, you ain't winning the game. You'll also find that these sports build your leadership skills and make you a more formidable team member, especially when you realize that a good leader follows commands, supports others, and listens to others.

Lastly, you'll hopefully learn why adhering to the rules is a good thing, even when it's easy to cheat, and why winning respect is sometimes better than winning the game.

Where To Begin

Martial arts is the obvious go-to here. Not only does this make you better able to defend yourself, but it also gets you over that fear of touching others. Flag football and soccer are great sports, especially if you have some people who are passionate about it: Nothing is better than when passion spreads. Baseball is a tried and true favorite, especially when you factor in learning to wield a weapon and how not to miss with a thrown object. Hockey should not be denied as it combines all of these factors.

This is not to say you should ignore other forms of physical activity. Rock climbing is great for building self-confidence considering you're conquering your fear of falling. Weightlifting can be fun, especially if you have people telling you you can't do it; nothing feels better than a little rebellion. This is not to steer you away from more traditional exercises, but you're bound to hit a plateau with aerobics if you're just doing it to do it; you need some sort of score-keeping to keep it interesting, even if it's just losing a few pounds.

It's not the activity but the competition that's important here. If you can combine it with some sort of direct confrontation, so much the better. This isn't to say that yoga is bad; the inner peace it brings definitely has its very needed place in a hectic life. You just need something that challenges you and takes you out of your comfy place.

You Are The Grit

The takeaway here is that you need to add a physical edge to your interests, even if it's just mall walking. If it's competitive so much the better, but you also don't need to go full MMA; sure, you can if you want, but only if it's something you enjoy. The key to self-defense is self-confidence and anything that builds that is incredible; competitive sports just happen to be one of the easiest ways to do so. So get out there and have some fun; it can do nothing but help you in the end!