Random life hacks for not bursting into complete flames

1: Not everyone feels the same way you do about things – we're all different – so don't assume that everyone will have the same priorities as you.

2: If you're bursting for a wee walk in backwards to the bathroom and open your trousers before you even look at the toilet to avoid your bladder getting excited and pissing yourself.

3: Ask yourself questions before making a negative comment: What's the point in saying this? Is there a positive suggestion to rectify the situation accompanying this statement? What is there to gain by saying this?

4: There is no point in fighting on the internet. Keep away from comment sections.

5: Compartmentalise every element of your life so if one part goes on fire that the whole thing doesn't explode.

6: Don't waste your time hating people. Complete waste of energy.

7: Looking back at past events can be helpful to avoid repetition. However, if you look back too much you won't go anywhere else.

8: If you get a sweaty bum when sitting on a glossy surface before standing wipe your bum along the surface to remove the sweat shape of your arse.

9: Belly buttons are useful for storing shower gel when in the bath.

10: Instrumental music is a good background for creativity.

11: Getting up early is the only way to be productive.

12: You can't give 100%, 100% of the time. Aim for 50%, 75% of the time.

13: If you have to get up early but you're locked sleep somewhere really uncomfortable so you wake up before your alarm.

14: Invest - at least equally - if not more, in platonic friendships - not romantic ones. You can get everything you need without being in a relationship, with lots of friends and sex toys.

15: Seriously, stop trying to rap. You've been doing this in private for years. You really can't do it Caroline – get over it.

16: If you want to learn how to 'network' forget that fucking word and just try to make genuine human connections.

17: Accept that people don't really know or understand you – and that's fine – they don't deserve that anyway.

18: Do not take kitchen knives out of their packaging and put them back in your backpack.

19: It's better to want things than to need them. Other than essentials like food and shelter you don't really need anything.

20: Social media can get you the ride if you play your cards right.

21: If you have heartburn in bed sleep on your left hand side.

22: Kegels are super important and do improve sex. They make your vag magic if you do them right.

23: Hug and cuddle people. Share beds with platonic friends and spoon. It's lovely and releases oxytocin and makes ya happy and calm.

24: Laugh at people's shite jokes - particularly men – they love that. Fragile dopes.

25: Disappear sometimes and don't tell anyone where you are. Turn your phone off and all.

26: Being angry makes you more productive than being sad. If you work this out sooner rather than later you can turn loads of things around.

27: Constantly examine patterns in your life and if the same problems keep happening change that shit up.

28: If you're feeling broody offer to babysit a child with colic. That'll fix ya.

29: I don't know if it's just me but my period has gone nuts since I hit my thirties. If you're like me for the first two days of the 'red army' hide away from anyone you may be likely to punch.

30: Eyebrows frame your face – have good eyebrows.

31: If someone touches someone from the waist down they probably fancy them.

32: Positivity is more productive than negativity, and in many cases, on an individual level, more conducive to eliciting a positive response or change.

33: If you fancy someone avoid them like the plague unless you're super drunk. You'll just say something stupid anyway. At least you'll have the excuse you were drunk.

34: Dick is abundant and of low value.

35: If attempting to pleasure a woman consistency of motion is very important. Don't change things up just before she pops.

36: Reply to annoying messages with random facts about Skeletor or some rare parrot.

37: Expectations can ruin things so generally have none – just basics that need to be met.

38: Fear engulfment that comes with relationships. Maintain your own individuality and take ages to expose your own vulnerabilities.

39: Bring up issues as soon as you can but when you feel you have processed enough emotionally to be rational.

40: Try to avoid raising your voice. Scream into a pillow later or have an angry wank later.

41: Never call a woman 'loud', 'irrational', 'stupid', 'pig' or 'emotional' without expecting negative backlash you asshole. Never say she is 'overreacting' unless you want to see what overreacting actually looks like.

42: Sometimes people just want to vent – not for you to fix anything. If you don't know what to say just actively listen.

43: Ask people questions about themselves to get to know them. I know this sounds obvious but there is literally no way of really getting to know someone without asking them things. It also shows you are interested in them.

44: In a capitalist society everything you have can potentially be sold - EVERYTHING.

45: Always carry baby wipes. You'll be grateful for them if there's no jacks roll.

46: Toss a coin to make decisions like 'who should I bring home tonight?' or 'should I leave my job?'

47: Let kitties come to you.

48: Cops protect property, not people.

49: People project onto each other loads. Listen to them. It's not you, it's them.

50: Avoid people who say all their ex-partners were crazy. The only common denominator there is them, innit?