How To Stop Feeling Judged

People probably aren’t judging you in the way you think they are. Let me explain how I know this.

I have recently taken up swimming and it has opened my eyes to a whole new world!

Who has hair?

I was neurotic about removing body hair before swimming. I generally wear trousers most of the year and have been slowly turning into an orangutan over lockdown - so shaving felt like a big thing.

When I got to the pool there was a guy with lots of tattoos holding a young lady with profound learning disabilities. I noticed them because they stood out. The only swimming available at that time of day was lane swimming. The young lady couldn’t swim and the man was walking lengths, carrying her. I was impressed with how attentive the man was and wondered whether people misjudged him because of the tattoos. The next thing I noticed was the young lady's foot. It was sticking someway out of the water at an apparently impossible angle. Joined to the foot was a very hairy leg. Hairier than mine could grow.

What struck me was how these thoughts made me feel. I was glad that the lady could access the pool, pleased that the man with her could support her so well and surprised at how high she could get her foot without drowning.

I was not not disgusted or revulsed by her hairy leg. I was a little bit surprised. Then I stopped thinking about it.

Another day I noticed a man in the faster swimming lane who had a very hairy back. My thoughts went something like “he must be an amazing swimmer to be able to swim in the fast lane with so much body hair - it must cause drag”. I didn’t think how awful his back hair was - I was viewing it as a positive sign of his swimming ability!

Big bodies

Before lockdown I had a swimsuit with a little skirt attached. I liked it because it covered the top of my legs and made me feel less judged for my fat thighs. It disappeared during lockdown. I have no idea where it went, but it isn’t here. (Maybe it went on holiday while the humans couldn’t and decided not to come back?!) I had to buy a new swimsuit and the only one I could find was a normal style. I felt quite self conscious. I wanted to wear a towel right up to the pool edge.

Then I thought about the people around me. There are a few large ladies. A few guys with bellies. Some people who are in reasonable shape and some very lithe muscular people.Up until then I had only twice noticed another person's figure while I had been swimming. Once was a very toned young lady who had a cutaway panel on her swimsuit which looked very good on her. The other time was an older lady I was chatting to in the pool about her breathing problems. In my head she was a ‘little old lady’. When she got out of the pool, she wasn't that little. I didn’t think “My god, she’s huge” or “Who ate all the pies?” I noticed that she was bigger than she looked in the water. Then I carried on swimming.

Jealous judging

I was recently swimming with a friend and we started talking about our feelings about our bodies. She was quite self conscious about her face - feeling her jaw was too jowly. She thought that I had a lovely jaw line.

I have never considered either of our jaw lines! I was conscious of my oversized stomach and thighs. My friend is in better shape than me - she has a smaller stomach and thighs. She hadn’t considered how fat my middle was and I hadn’t considered how jowly her jaw was. We didn’t judge each other.

We only judged ourselves.

Noone notices

And I think that’s the point. I didn’t judge the appearance of the people I noticed. I simply noticed. Most of them I didn’t even notice. They were just there.

There are usually around twenty people swimming at the same time as me. Not the same twenty people - they vary over the week. I don’t know what the leg hair is like on all but one of them. I don’t know whether they are carrying a bit extra or very trim. I don’t know whether they have a saggy chin, fat shin, wonky toes or a moley nose.

Not only do I not notice - I don’t care.

That is the secret to not feeling judged. No one else cares. The main (if not only) person judging you is you.