How to Make Your Quarantine Birthday Less Shit

Hi, I am Honor and I am a birthday person. For me, as someone who has a terrible life, that has meant a lot of heartbreak, disappointment and increased Depression around this time of year. So, normally, I have bad birthdays, because life isn’t that great. I had an abusive childhood and so family is messy. I couldn’t invite my gran for my last birthday because her son abused me and now she is no longer with us, so that… sucks. That’s a huge understatement, but genuinely it’s hard to articulate how difficult it is to have to deal with abuse and then its unforgiving aftermath. I have chronic health conditions that, rudely, don’t fuck off for my birthday. Thanks, Adenomyosis (the main culprit). These are all the same regardless of any…. you know… global pandemic. Yeah. That thing. I know you forgot it was happening, so you are welcome for that reminder. However, one aspect is worse. Socialisation. A few years ago, I gave up having real parties because so many people would just not show up, but I was expecting to see at least a few people and my mum on my birthday. Last year, I thought my partner, my mum and my one friend who could make it was bad… I was wrong. Try this year where I can’t see anyone but my partner and strangers in the supermarket that I have to run away from frightened because they don’t understand the definition of “2 metres apart”. One benefit of this is that I’m no longer alone in this lack of socialisation. Everyone is like this. I’m actually one of the lucky ones because I actually live with someone. I cannot begin to imagine how people who live alone must feel like right now. So, anyway, how do we deal with this and the inevitable disappointment of being an Aries during this crisis? Here is my totally unqualified list of how to make your birthday less shit while social distancing. I am the worst person to write this list due to my inability to salvage a good birthday for quite a few years, but… oh well. You are still reading. Here we go.

Preparation: Environment

Trying to make your birthday less shit will start before the day itself even begins. You have to make sure your environment is to your satisfaction. By your environment, it had better be your own home because, as much as this is shite, you had better not be out partying and spreading your germs everywhere. Now that that lecture is over, this is what I mean. It does not have to be clean, but whatever you find comfortable. That might mean a deep clean. That might mean organised mess. It could mean decorating the place. Whatever you do, you will not be able to have a good day if you are not feeling comfortable, or as comfortable as you can while in captivity.

Take The Day Off!

This means exactly what it says on the tin. Fuck work. Fuck university. Fuck your children’s education. Fuck your babies’ nappies. They should be old enough to change themselves… Wait… Okay, no. That last one you should definitely do… Nevertheless, the rest can go fuck themselves. Have fun. They can all wait until tomorrow… unless your boss does not allow you to take a break in which case… I will not support you fucking your boss.

Take Up Some Hobbies

This is genuinely just a good idea for being stuck at home. It can be anything (that you can do inside!). Some type of exercise, reading, music, writing, art or photography. It doesn’t have to be “productive”. Start that new television series you have been meaning to start for a while or have a movie date. It can be anything (THAT YOU CAN DO IN- okay you get it…) that brings you joy or some type of meaning if that is what you are yearning for in this Corona abyss. Whatever you do, give that beer a miss.

Get Super Special Meals For The Day

I recommend melted chocolate on croissants for breakfast and lots of Mac and Cheese.

Arrange a Skype or Zoom Party

I suggest that you use Facetime to teach your parents how to use it and give more time for this than you expect you will need. Yes, I’m talking from experience. Hey, mum. You are being called out.

Buy Party Stuff for Said Party

Though make sure you are also buying essential products at the same time, unless you want a fine for your birthday present.

Tip for the Future: Pre-arrange Something Special as a Birthday Treat

Skydiving? Travelling? Go-karting? Disneyland? A party with every single person you have ever met filled with germ-spreading embraces? I’m not up for all of those, but I’m definitely expecting the last one. Hey, you. Yes, I’m talking to you. Come to my party.

Last Tip: Write an Article about How You’re Worried That Your Birthday is Going to be Shit So That People Make an Effort To Make It Less Shit

Now I have this one…. Completed!