How to Build Self Confidence

Every morning, I look in the mirror and remind myself of one thing to boost my confidence: don’t wait for your weight to live the life you desire. I am a co-founder of Kirby Con, a plus-size fashion convention held during New York Fashion Week. I’m also a lifestyle influencer, which means I share my life with thousands of people online. From a young age, I dreamed of performing on stage—dancing, acting, singing—it was all I loved. Performing requires confidence, but fortunately, my family always provided me with plenty of love and validation. I think of confidence as a big red balloon that can either soar or deflate, and my parents worked hard to ensure my sisters and I had balloons that were full and floating.

As a child, my confidence balloon stayed inflated until elementary school. Being the only Nigerian girl in my class, I was much taller than my classmates and had big, curly hair instead of straight hair. These differences didn’t bother me. What did was my body. According to a national report on self-esteem, 98% of girls report feeling immense pressure to conform to certain standards of beauty. I first felt this pressure when a teacher told my mom that while I was a talented dancer, I couldn’t be part of the school’s elite dance group because I didn’t have the right body type. That was when my confidence balloon started losing air.

In high school, I attended a performing arts school with notable alumni like Audra McDonald, a six-time Tony Award winner. During my junior year, a teacher told me that although I had a great audition for the school musical, he couldn’t cast me in the role because of my size. He explained that a particular scene, which involved a car, would be unrealistic with someone my size. Hearing a teacher I respected say that my body was the reason he was ignoring my talent left me embarrassed and ashamed. I left the classroom with tears streaming down my face. I wanted to quit, but in my family, we had a saying: "Nigerians don’t carry last," meaning we don’t give up on our goals. My classmates, however, recognized my talent, and by my senior year, they voted me most talented. Their support gave my confidence balloon a small burst of air.

After high school, I moved to New York City, graduated with a degree in theater, and became a working actor, touring the country. But once again, my weight became an issue during auditions. Casting directors often told me, “We love your talent, but…” and mentioned my weight as a barrier. I knew I could slim down but would never be thin. By the end of a year filled with rejections, my confidence balloon lay deflated. When I confided in loved ones that I believed I would never achieve the career, relationship, or life I wanted unless I lost weight, they hugged me and reassured me that I was beautiful—but that didn’t restore my confidence. My parents and friends couldn’t do it for me; I had to find a way to do it myself.

To rebuild my confidence, I started by sharing my story online. I discovered that confidence is shaped by our thoughts and actions. As my online following grew, I developed a process to rebuild my self-esteem and learned four key steps I want to share with you.

Step 1: Identify your perceived obstacle. For me, I believed that losing weight was the key to boosting my confidence. What is your perceived obstacle? Complete this sentence: "My life would be perfect if ______." What’s holding you back from living the life you want?

Step 2: Imagine what life would look like if that obstacle were gone. According to Harvard psychology research, the brain can’t tell the difference between real memories and imagined ones, making visualization powerful. I used to dream about being thin, imagining a life where I traveled the world and wore whatever I wanted without shame. What does your life look like without your obstacle? Are you in a dream job, traveling, or doing something you've always wanted?

Step 3: Address your perceived obstacle. I believed that losing weight was necessary to feel confident, but I had to change that mindset. I hired a therapist, dove into the world of body positivity, and shifted my focus from wanting to be thin to wanting to live healthily. My goal became prioritizing health as a daily practice and measuring success by consistency, not by a number on a scale.

What action can you take to address your obstacle? Will you look into scholarships, seek therapy for past traumas, or learn new skills to reach your goals? It’s okay to take time to figure this out.

Step 4: Choose to live the life you imagined, even with the obstacle. You don’t have to wait for your obstacle to disappear to start living the life you want. When I imagined my life as a thinner person, I envisioned traveling, dressing how I pleased, and confidently putting myself out there. Even though I wasn’t thin, I started doing those things. Now, here I am, traveling, wearing what I want, and sharing my story with you.

As you work on building your confidence, remember that I began this journey because I wanted to perform and live freely. I identified my obstacle, visualized my life without it, took steps to address it, and chose to live that life right away. And now, I’m here, doing what I love, on stage. Thank you.