6 Steps to Become a Terrible Writer with a Terrible Career

But, what about individuals who want to tweak their writing? What about individuals who want a terrible writing career? According to my knowledge, and my knowledge is vast, according to me, writing is the most crucial skill that one can have. And terrible writers do not have this skill, for that is why they are so terrible at writing. Or, if they do have writing skill, it is only the ability to be terrible at it. Hard to argue that this is a skill however, but I will concede someone could argue it.

Being a terrible writer can help you become an irrational and illogical thinker that, to give just one example, starts sentences with the word being, despite it being one of the most frowned upon sentence starting words in the English language for a host of reasons a terrible writer like yourself would obviously have no knowledge of, unlike myself, whose knowledge is vast, as stated above. Almost as vast as my knowledge of run on sentences. Further, despite which career path you choose, you will have to write terribly almost every day. You may need to send an email, update your Twitter status, or send a text message, death threat or even a hostage ransom demand. So, you obviously are not able to articulate your thoughts in a clear manner and probably constantly miscommunicate.

Whether it is in your professional or personal life, there is no denying how crucial writing skills are and also no denying how terrible you are at it. But, because we all write terribly, it does not mean that we are all “terrible writers.”

In this article, I am going to teach you how to become a terrible writer. I have concocted a list of techniques that will help you get started on this exciting writing. Exciting writing is the best kind of writing. Read on to discover how you can become a terrible writer with a terrible career.

1. Create Your Terrible Writing Space

To become a terrible writer, you do not need to have a sanctuary to terribly write a terrible book. Many terrible writers started their terrible writing careers in abnormal uncomfortable settings. And you can too, unless you live in the ghetto or at the homeless shelter or on the streets. The louder, more uncomfortable, and less peaceful your terrible writing lair is, the better.

You can create your terrible writing space by dedicating a room to your terrible writing. You can also write off a fraction of your taxes or home mortgages in that terrible writing space. Of course, as a terrible writer the chances of you owning a home are very slim, and since writing something off also apparently requires writing you will be terrible at that as well.

If you do not want to confine yourself to a specific terrible writing space, or your misbehaving snot nosed kid to a drafty basement closet, you can write terribly in other environments. You can write terribly in a library, restaurant, coffee shop, your front porch, or a local park. A really terrible writer can write terribly anywhere. So, if you are comfortable in an environment other than your home, go and write terribly there.

2. Have a Terrible Word Count Goal

When he started his career, John Grisham was a lawyer and a father, and a terrible writer. In short, his schedule was tight, almost as tight as his ass. Despite this, he woke up one or two hours earlier each morning and wrote a shitty page each day. A few years later, he had a complete, piece of shit, novel. He had a daily goal which he ensured that he achieved.

You do not need to do much terrible writing. You only need to write terribly on a regular basis. Having a daily terrible word count goal will motivate you to write terribly more. Make your goals small and achievable, and most of all, terrible. This will allow you to achieve your goal each day and increase your productivity.

3. Create Your Terrible Outline

It is better to create a terrible outline before you start writing your terrible book. When you start your terrible writing without a clear vision, it will end in disaster. As a terrible writer you are very familiar with this. Whether you are writing terrible fiction or crap ass non-fiction, you need a basic terrible structure.

Potential publishers or agents demand an outline in your proposal. They want to know where you are going with your writing. Since you are such a terrible writer you will not have any potential publishers and no agents will want to touch you with a ten foot pole so just ignore this paragraph.

If you find yourself losing interest in your terrible book around the middle, you likely did not follow a terrible outline. A terrible outline is essential. Do not put fingers to keyboard until you are certain that your structure will be consistent from beginning to end. Or, better yet, in your case, do not put fingers to keyboard at all. Instead put fingers to butthole making sure its structure is consistent.

Your structure should look include the following:

Opener – Inciting incident,

The Middle – Crises, and

Conclusion – Climax.

Your butthole should look include the following:

Opener - Anal pore

The Middle - Sphincter

Conclusion - Colon

4. Get Rid of Distractions

Do you have a short attention span? Yes. OK. Good so do I. I also get bored very easily. I am so close to done with this piece of shit. Freakin terrible right? Moving on to

5. Think about Your Reader First

The number one rule of becoming a writer is thinking about your reader first. Since you are such a terrible writer you will have no readers so ignore this one. And finally

6. Write a Terrible Ending

Writing a terrible ending is as important as writing a craptacular introduction. You need to write an ending so terrible that it will cause your readers mind to recoil in horror. To ensure your terrible ending does not fizzle, you can do the following:

Rush it. Give your readers the payoff you promised in the beginning. That means get out your checkbook and actually write out those checks you promised to each and every weirdo you bribed to read your terrible shit. Do it quick.

Settle for good enough Settle for good enough because you want to get it over with. Even you can't stand your terrible writing.

Make everything unfair and illogical. If something is predictable, it should be unfair and irrational so that your reader feels cheated. You want your reader to be pissed with the surprise and to feel like you tricked them.

Final Word

Finally. This piece of shit just went on and on an on....