Write!

I told the lads at the boxing club that I do not use TikTok and had never bought anything from Amazon, they were amazed. I went on to tell them about my attempt to boycott the twenty-first century, a time in which I do not feel at home. Hearing in my own voice the futility of such a project, I decided to make a purchase from the richest man on Earth, thus started my very own Amazon Adventure, with two writer´s guides no less.

Tenth months later I found just one bookmark in those pages, at “Antisocial” of course. The authors´ definition of antisocial is harmless enough, “Opposed to social order or the founding principles of society”. Right on! I can identify with that, although this is an entry in a list of supposed character flaws. The positive aspects of an antisocial character are stated as “…their likeability is usually achieved through manipulation and falseness…they believe their choices are reasonable and acceptable…”.

So, time´s up for revolutionary heroes I guess, the fight for social justice being now a character flaw of genetic origin. Did I mention my wish to boycott the twenty-first century?

The companion volume, `The Positive Trait Thesaurus: A Writer´s Guide to Character Attributes´ fell open to the entry `Witty´, where I had left a brown ring, the stain of a careless coffee mug. Almond flakes festered in the binding. “DEFINITION: having intellectual capacity marked by clever humor” (sic). I was working on building a character, who seemed even to me to be lacking in humor and therefore less likeable. “Facing a foreign audience or culture that doesn´t get one´s humor”, is listed as a challenging situation for the witty character and this was his problem. I began to include the character´s, or rather my, witty if cynical observations of the foreign culture in which I had placed him. Not going to be a popular in Germany this one.

Among the advertisements for new teeth, old politics, and fresh erections, I started to see writing related products. LitBiz had noticed me at last and I was so unwise as to pay five pounds to enter a poetry competition. I submitted an angry, political poem, which I believed to be “reasonable and acceptable”. The winning poem had been written by a famous poet and related a romantic hook-up during a train ride through Scotland. The poem closes with the line “The sky thunders its fury and disgust…”, but to my certain knowledge Scottish skies have not regarded casual sex with fury and disgust for at least fifty years now. I caught a glimpse of the inner workings of such competitions and present the winning poem to you here.

My entry „Don´t Get Mad, Get Even” sank without a trace, along with my entry fee. If you, my Voclaeros, would like to read it, please let me know and I will post it for you.

I know old-age is just around the corner because the unwanted advertisements have started to include incontinence pants and stair lifts. I have learnt to rigorously ignore all of those but then one advert caught my eye. For a moderate sum, an editorial review of a short piece of fiction was offered. I paid my twenty-five dollars and submitted “Ramona”, a not entirely sympathetic study of a fictional, transsexual woman. The review was constructive and helpful; I saw that subsequent drafts of “Ramona” were better that my first attempt and I was pleased. So pleased in fact, that I signed up for a `how to´ course with the same organisation.

In his fourth or fifth five-minute lecture the instructor gave tips on how to write a bio. Academic qualifications are not a precondition for him to read a text but a degree in Creative Writing at least means that the writer “understands and accepts the rules”, whatever that might mean to him. Needless to say, I do not have an academic qualification and do not necessarily accept his rules… I had paid for the course, so I went through it to the end and then joined the associated Facebook group, where we flash-fiction writers help each other to improve our skills. I´m still a member of that group but I haven´t submitted anything for a while now. My reality is too different from that of the other group members for us to have much in common and Microsoft takes care of the more obvious speling mistakes.

Twenty thousand pounds! The Little Black Book challenge drew me in, as it did thousands more. I didn´t win, didn´t get an honourable mention, but I did get five views and two hearts for “As the Crow Flies”.

I also earned three cent US. My very first earnings as an author. I got a credit of five dollars for liking fifteen contributions by other authors and Vocal turned out to be the first internet purchase ever, which more than fulfilled my expectations. Thank you!

Here in England, all shops selling non-essential items have been closed by government order since 1st January. I am starting to run short on such non-essentials as underwear and bedclothes but I am holding out for the end of lockdown. I really do prefer to go into a store, where a fellow human-being is employed to be helpful, and I like to look at my purchases before handing over the cash. Yes, I´m old fashioned, yes, I´m political, I shop local and pay cash wherever possible. At the same time, I want global reach for my writing. Old age is just around the corner and so, if I want to be eccentric and contrary, I will.

P.S. A view and a heart would really make my day!