Why Not Me?

Tuesday, Dec. 13, 22

I had this moment last night…I used to wake up in the middle of the night stressed, anxious and the longer I would go without falling asleep, the more anxious and stressed I would get. Yes the things that stressed me out then are still there every single day, every single night…money, health, family, relationships, work…and yes I still struggle to find a way to face these stressors head on, with a constant desire to cover them with a fog of denial but there is a difference now. I see it. Maybe its because I am used to little to no sleep after having children, or maybe its because I know now how little sleep a person can actually function on…I actually find I have some of my best aha moments during this time. I meditate, dream of the possibilities and practice affirmations. I feel my desires and try to unearth what I really want. Because I started this journey on manifestation and mindfulness during one of the worst times of my life. A time of family conflict, a time of Covid lock down, turmoil, stress…the words to describe that time are painful and endless. But I found a way during that time to begin to change my mindset. To see the infinite possibilities that are out there in the world and to try and wake up excited for the days, even if they were seemingly bleak and depressing. During the time of this awakening I have found some amazing new tools, and have definitely felt a shift in my mindset. BUT I am not where I want to be because I don’t think I have really figured out where it is that I actually want to go! Do I want to start a business, become a coach, write a book? All of the above! Last night at about 3:11 in the morning I realized one of my most limiting beliefs…I still don’t think I have a story worth telling. I want to inspire, write and create but I was confident in the fact that I wasn’t going to use my history, my past as a way to tell my story. But how can I disassociate myself form my past when that is such a crucial part of who I am. I thought, no one wants to hear about my depression, my anxiety, my eating disorder. Everyone has a “thing”, no one cares what mine is or what mine was. We live in a world where these words are second nature, and because everyone has a “thing” it doesn’t feel like there is anything unique about my story to share. And as soon as I had the thought of “no one cares” I realized that that mindset is truly holding me back. I thought “Who is to dictate whether or not I use my experiences to plow forward? Everyone has a thing, for sure, but no one has my things. What if I can use my story to help, heal and inspire. And you know what, if I cant, if I don’t then that’s okay too. I need to know that whatever I am creating, writing, putting out there into the universe I am doing because it aligns with me and who I am. How can I put a version of myself out there into the world while pretending such a massive part of me doesn’t exist or never did exist. Because when I dig deep I want to write. I want to use words. I need to get over the fear that my reality is going to hurt those close to me, shock those that maybe didn’t know that side of me or embarrass those that don’t want to acknowledge that these were all parts of me, and still are. I need to acknowledge the pills, the hospital stays, the hours spent throwing up, the crippling anxiety, the bathroom floors I couldn’t get up from. Yes even the glass, the cuts, the fog that I wanted to remain in. It is not the pretty part of my story, it is not the 3:00 a.m repeating affirmations part of my story but it is part of my story and maybe what is holding me back from finding out what I really want to do on this journey is that complete attempt to deny that part of me and my story. Does it scare me to put the truth out into the world where my parents, my husband, in laws and possibly even my children one day can see it? Or co-workers, parents or students…yes it’s terrifying! But if we still live in a day in age that we are ashamed of this truth, that we can’t acknowledge this side of our stories as professionals, as mothers, or wives than I am not being authentically myself. Even as I write this I feel my mind playing games on me…telling me what you are saying as been said before, you aren’t saying anything original, nothing you have to offer is unique so why would anyone care. But I think in order to find out where I want to go on this path, this is where I need to start. Maybe by telling my story, not from where I found manifestation and mindset but from the place of pain and mental illness. Because what I keep coming back to time and time again is that I want to write.

I think another reason that I didn’t want to write from my experiences or my past was because it reminds me of where I was once. It is scary and painful to look back at those days and realize how much pain I was in and how much pain I was putting my family through. It is a hard reality to face but one that I am coming to terms with and one that I realize I can use to help propel my story forward, and in turn, perhaps myself forward. Do I feel like I am in a place to coach other people’s lives…no, not exactly. But maybe I have a story that can help someone else’s life…a story worth telling or a story worth hearing, or maybe even a story that is just beginning. I feel like I have been sitting on something for a long time now, sitting on the new knowledge I have gained on manifestation, on mindset, on the law of attraction, positive affirmations, but I can’t quite put my finger on what I am suppose to do with it. What am I waiting for? I know that brilliance won’t come to those who sit back and just wait. I need to take action. In Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic (get ready, I will likely quote this inspiration more than a few times in this Blog), I had to ask myself “Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you?” (pg. 22). And I truly have no fucking clue yet but if there is something hidden there, I want to find it.

Maybe I will write 3000 pages that no one will ever read but if writing makes me feel good, if writing is therapeutic and expressive for myself, than isn’t that worth it enough? If writing about my past helps me heal, if facing my limiting beliefs and addressing why I fear conflict so passionately helps me move forward in my own relationships, isn’t that worth it enough? I love teaching, I love the people I work with and I love the students but I can’t shake the feeling that I am destine to explore or create something more. So often you hear it started with a blog, turned podcast, turned speaking gig, turned book. And if there are two main things that have stuck with me the past two years in learning NEW beliefs, it is 1. Why not me?! If it can happen for someone else, why not me! And 2. There is always enough for everyone. I won’t deny the idea that within manifestation and the law of attraction is the idea of financial freedom. And I will no longer deny that that is a BAD thing. Because money is what makes the world go around. Money supports people, money can comfort. Do I believe money brings peace and the ultimate joy and self actualization to a person’s life? No, absolutely not! But I do belief that money can take away problems and bring into reality experiences that would other wise be just a dream. For example, my dream is to go grocery shopping and buy EVERY ingredient that I want to buy for cooking amazing, delicious meals. I dream of not having to think about purchasing things like cheese, or fancy bread, or even the good toilet paper because it is too expensive! I dream of buying nice wine without feeling guilty, and opening my home up to all my loved ones and serving food and drinks, without worrying about the cost of those things. I don’t dream of yachts, and mansions. But I dream of comfort and freedom and if money can bring me that, then I no longer see it has a bad thing. I also no longer see it has something that has to be HARD. I have always thought to have money means you are working hard, or stressed or in debt. That having money had to be paired with something negative. I no longer believe that, but I also am not yet seeing that come into reality for me. I also no longer think that I do not deserve money! That it is not for me, I am not good enough or deserving enough of having enough to give me and my family freedom. FUCK that! I deserve what ever this world has to offer because WHY NOT ME!?