What They Don't Tell You About Redundancy

I was in my previous job for about a year and a half before I was furloughed in April and made redundant in June 2020 when the UK furlough scheme was being wrapped up. My role was in the IT sector, so only few jobs were affected by this in the pandemic compared to others. The disclaimer is, I did not enjoy that job. I loved my colleagues, but when we started working from home during the lockdown, I missed them and the work was much less exciting. From the day I started, fresh out of university, I was holding my head above water. I was getting by, but I didn't have the time, capability and support to go above and beyond.

We were told in April that all our jobs were safe, even though some were furloughed, and that the company (in the health tech sector) was confident that they would pull through the pandemic. In early June, I got news that a senior member of staff was made redundant. The warning bells started ringing. I began updating my CV, LinkedIn etc. preparing for the worst. Evidently, by the time I received the bad news, I was not surprised. I was disappointed of course, but my first thought was "I just need to find another job". I had a slight case of "why me?" but I was dreading the job hunt much more. I did not process any feelings, I just bottled them but and got straight to work. Every day not working on finding a job, was a day without a job. I started working for a new company a month later, which has thankfully been much better.

Six months after my redundancy, settled well into my new job, I was surprised to find I experienced a delayed reaction to the events in June. I began to process what had happened and began feeling mildly depressed. People I spoke to started saying things like:

"They made people from my mum's company redundant, but not her thankfully, she's really good at her job"

"I've heard that companies are using the pandemic as an excuse to remove their useless employees"

Useless. Useless. Useless.

Although they may have not meant for me to take it personally, what my mind processed was "you were useless, as proved from being laid off and it's only a matter of time before your new manager thinks the same".

I have never spoken about my severe loss in confidence and self-esteem from my redundancy to anyone. I've worked hard to become a more confident individual, and therapy has helped me look at situations rationally. However, this fall-back feels like a first world problem. I didn't even like the job and I've since found a new one, so why does it matter now? Even if it's just the Vocal media moderator that reads this, and reads my view without judgement, I would be grateful for weight off my chest.

Everyone talks about the financial side of a job loss and this is absolutely valid. Thankfully, with savings, money wasn't an immediate issue for me. Mine was an emotional issue, which I don't feel is talked about enough and laid off people are told to just 'get over it'. As someone that has a major case of imposter syndrome, my redundancy was the cherry on the cake to the existing intense negative chatter constantly in my brain and made me feel like a failure.

I felt like I had done something wrong and it was all my fault, no matter how many times people say it wasn't. If I had just been 'better', it could have been someone else and not me. I am open to my friends and family about what happened, but inside I still feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed. My self-confidence completely eroded, and I felt excluded from society since the unemployed are seen as 'lazy', even if this was in the past. I still feel people think of me differently after hearing I was made redundant, that I'm a really stupid person, so much so that I was laid off. The previous company said the redundancy was because of financial issues during to the pandemic however after I left, they gave a colleague of the same level a hefty pay rise and has since hired more people which has only further solidified I was told to leave because I was useless.

As someone who has been a high achiever their whole life, my career is something I've worked incredibly hard for and is my identity. So when someone says I'm bad at my job, despite getting my mental-health suffering ass out of bed every morning, the emotional toll is immense. It's what I imagine a bad break-up to be. I've looked back at all the small things that could have been where it all went wrong. Was it when I arrived 10 minutes late? Was it because I was more social than the others? I sometimes worked weekends but was that not enough? Did I take too much sick leave (despite telling them about a medical condition)?

When I was researching this particular effect on redundancy, I came across the term "survivors guilt". This is the guilt felt by the employees that dodged redundancies in their workplace. This was interesting, as I thought it was only those who were laid off who would be affected and everyone else just carried on as normal, if anything, just feeling relieved. I still feel my previous colleagues look at me differently now that I was one of only two that was made redundant. It began to grate away at me by thinking 'did they just think I was terrible the whole time and never told me?'

I've only recently noticed the subconscious impact the redundancy has had on my present job. I no longer trust anyone, and I have been working harder than ever before, so afraid of going through that again. I scroll the news weekly to check if the sector I work for has been further affected by the pandemic, which could result in a job loss. I update my CV and LinkedIn every month. If my manager sets me a deadline, I'll finish a week in advance to leave no stone unturned. I never clock off work early without making up the hours. It all may sound like a great driving force to succeed, however, it has done more damage than good to my mental health.

I have a second self-employed job which the previous company I worked for kept telling me to quit, to focus more on that role. I ignored them, since they were not paying me enough to do so. I'm grateful for this, as the extra income during job hunting was a financial safety net. My new role has a higher salary, so the second job isn't exactly necessary anymore. However, it's not about the money anymore. I'm struggling to quit it now because of the fear of being made redundant again and then not having that job to fall back on. It's paralysing and a constant cycle of wanting to protect myself but also to let go and have some peace. It's not rational, I know, but it's the reality that I hope will change.

For anyone else that has experienced redundancy, I'm not going to tell you it isn't your fault because I know this doesn't help all that much. You are allowed to grieve. Let yourself feel the anger, disappointment and frustration because it will only haunt you back in a damaging way in the future otherwise. What has given me some peace has been unhooking my self-esteem from any company or job role that I now take on in the future. It really is 'just a job'.

I cannot predict the future, maybe this will happen again, but I can choose how I react to it.