What Can We Do to Protect Our Peace?

The weeks I was gone were defining experiences of what life felt like upon giving up a skill that mattered to me.

On an unfortunate day, just one morning after graduating college, I was forced to halt my writing.

Previously, I never saw writing as something that I would enjoy let alone do regularly. However, after finding out that I could not edit and type well enough to my heart’s content on my laptop as I did a couple of weeks ago, I felt a growing irritation and loss of patience as I struggled with myself waiting for the screen to move, desperately hoping and losing to the notifications in my phone. This kept happening for I didn’t know how long, it was basically too slow to respond. The welcome screen didn’t feel like it was going to end anytime soon.

As someone who has been regarded as vulnerable to stress by their psychologist and psychiatrist alike, this event didn’t serve me well. It’s safe to say, it’s working greatly now as I’m using it to type this work. It took me nearly two weeks to start writing again. I knew I had to create something because the pressure of not making the habit had bugged me even in my sleep. However, one nugget of wisdom I could impart from this experience is to be more flexible. It’s a skill that in my case, needs crucial addressing. Also, this experience is important to note when you want to make or break a habit because in my case, it was broken — even when it shouldn’t be. I tried writing on my phone, but I have gotten distracted many times and I have gotten used to seeing the words I typed on a bigger screen. Additionally, the phone often lagged as well so I was met with a unanimous decision to halt writing and accomplish other things on my plate, theoretically.

Just like most fresh graduates with more time in the world than they’ve known before, it feels overwhelming and more vulnerable to be in this position of uncertainty. On the flip side, hooray! I had too much time to do what task I’ve held up for longer. Since I was the type to plan things first, I made sure to make a list of things to keep me occupied while I got the laptop fixed or to beg my Dad to buy me a new device in this generation of high inflation, which he absolutely refused. At first, I didn’t want this HP laptop to meet its mechanic, I’ve been too scared years past due to an Acer laptop I owned that had all the interesting files wiped out before I could even save them when they had to reformat the settings. What’s even worse was knowing that it was a factory defect! There was no turning back to that experience. Without a doubt, it’s found a way into my core memory.

After making a list of things I was comfortable doing on my phone that was working, I started rearranging and decluttering the rooms in our house. I did a whole Marie Kondo, type of thing and said “goodbyes” and “thank you’s” to the clothes I have worn most of the days I had to dash in school, with a toast in my mouth. No, I’m actually kidding, I never said such things to my clothes, more so running to school with a toast — I’m on a strict low-carb diet. Nonetheless, I was busy tidying up the rooms but I wasn’t genuinely prepared for what I would have to do after I’d finished making the rooms neat and pretty. Well, right before the completion of my, “Decluttering the Rooms” agenda, I told myself with conviction that this task should end by Friday so that by going back home on Saturday night, I would no longer concern myself with the clutter on my desk and bed. Coincidentally, that Saturday evening was one of my most awaited dates of all time, as I had a concert ticket in display; and also a proof of 465 USD worth to attend Red Velvet’s FanCon in Manila!

You would think, Oh! That’s nice, I just graduated. Obviously, the year has been rough without my Mom too. This was definitely worth the wait for me. Well yes, correct, I enjoyed my time in the concert venue with all my body, heart, and soul. We had a rave party (iykyk.) But, this was another big change, and I wasn’t prepared yet again for what I should do with my life after I was done with this one-time event. I’m not being pessimistic but rather, just realistic. I have bipolar disorder and even when the change is good, like a one-in-a-lifetime concert that got ticked off my bucket list, you have to anticipate the probability of a mood shift.

I lost the routine I carefully established after graduating when the laptop that I relied heavily on to cross me through college gave up on me. Having a balanced routine is a dead-set rule when any change is giving someone a hefty amount of stress. Too many things crammed into a schedule contribute to overwhelm, while too many things result in despair. I had to have some form of control over my surroundings. That was the condition that was always required of me.

As I possessed an overactive brain, capable of producing unlimited ideas, it didn’t spare me any second of relief. Every time I had something in mind — an idea or a thought, I had to write it down or else I’d lose it along with the feeling I got at the moment. This is a brain that can torture oneself with endless thoughts, with the added heaviness of knowing that the device I relied on to record my interests had to be reformatted, as it was no longer a viable option even for an even-tempered human. Days kept going and so were my thoughts. I haven’t had a proper outlet for self-expression for quite long considering the load of thinking I did each day and the conditions I was in weren’t as simple as ABC. I have people I contact frequently but I felt like a downer for always talking about the negative in my life and I wanted to show them a more firm image.

Things got scary quickly and I just figured that writing again could help in this desperate situation. Come to think of it, isn’t it the guilt in me of not continuing some vocation I ought to do, that made it unbearable when I couldn’t write my ideas, which flared the distress I was experiencing? Alongside this, I made sure to make writing again a habit. If I wanted to pursue my mission of self-loving and others-loving, I had to do something for myself first. I proceeded with sending my psychologist an e-mail, which I had been hanging out for weeks, to get a new appointment and my medical doctor for a follow-up. Finding people to talk or chat with even through the screen was a blessing. I added such actions to my reminders and had it on a loop forever.