What am I doing wrong? ...

Transitioning from working for “companies” to working for yourself can be an arduous task. Having grown up in an era where you were taught to go to school, get good grades and get a good “job”, I thought I was always doing the right thing. I got the grades. I got the “job”. I worked and worked and worked and although it felt like I was accomplishing something, I still was being punished by the “bosses” or their spokesmen for whatever!!! Understanding that everything was subjective to how well you are liked. Do you fit into the little mold that has been created?? Is your appearance up to the status quo? Did you apply enough makeup? Did you apply too much makeup? Is your hair neat? Is your perfume too loud? Are you being nice enough to the people under you. Or over you?

I suddenly began to understand why some have abandoned this idealism of finding a job. Why some resort to self destruction through drinking. Why depression and anxiety exist. Why some have become shadows that roam the street and hold up signs for donations and live meager existences. I then began to count. Counting how many times I have felt like this. How many bosses and spokesmen I had grown to hate. The idea of self sufficiency did not come from this despair however. The idea initially came from the hope that I could somehow mimic someone else’s path and create my own path minus the hinchman that lurked over me waiting to judge my every move. And so the infamous “dream” was conceived. But the dream is costly.

My first thoughts of having my own business started only a few short years ago. I remember it well. I wasn’t even really considering it but my former “boss” during our initial meet and greet made a point of downplaying how hard it would be to start my own and that he had a formula already designed and how fair he was. I need to ad that this guy basically stalked me to work for him. I started out part time with no desire to buy what he was selling and then one day one of my other bosses spokesman made an inappropriate pass and the other boss made me cry at work and so this guys plan started to look more appealing. Independent contractor is the term. The false sense that you are running the show. The set up is to keep the real person in charge liability free.

So this “independence” started and I was still trying to be a good girl and color in the lines but the lines were becoming more and more blurred. I was doing more and more for this guy and he was on vacation every time I needed to refer to him. And even though I was supposed to be independent, I soon found out that the guy had a hinchman. And so after a couple of years I started feeling like this is still very much NOT FREE!!!! I began to do more research about how I could mimic again. I had already formed an LLC, woo hoo!!! I made my little business plan and tried to employ and get contracts and SLAM!!!! Door after door slammed in my face. So, I made another LLC and another and soon had three LLC companies and business plans and no business. See depending on the industry the doors slam because the ones that have already established themselves become nervous that you will take business from them. Even though none of the companies have cornered the market as an isolated service. And so the slime begins. The bad mouthing and creating the poor reputation for the opposition to prevent you from entering the show.

So Alas here I am with my plans and big ideas and now with a new company. This company has a not so great reputation but the pay and treatment are well. Maybe I should just put all those waterfall ideas to rest. Maybe life can be good here in the pile. Maybe I can just exist and not chase or run. Maybe I can just chill. Maybe ...