Welcoming the Sabbath

Tonight is Friday night and at sundown, Sabbath began.

I was listening to one of my favorite Christian playlists, while trying not to cry, and thinking back to something a good friend said, "good things come to good people." My life has been throwing one thing after another at me - which makes me feel insane and started to question if maybe deep down I am a terrible person who is just now getting what they deserve.

In my friend's defense, they had meant it as a good thing: they see me as a good person so bad things cannot keep happening to me! My lovely brain just twisted it into the opposite because I am pretty sure that my brain hates me... but that is another article for another day...

The song that started playing was one that when I heard it earlier this year, I immediately loved it and hated it all at the same time! It was "That's Who I Praise" by Brandon Lake.

I will start with the beginning: "I wanna dance like David, I wanna faith like Paul, I wanna sing like Silas tearing down the prison walls, I wanna face that fire." Because the tune made me love it, but when I thought about those lyrics I didn't love it any longer.

I don't know if you know the story of David before he danced for the Lord, but he was despised by his brothers, unclaimed by his father, a simple shepherd, taken in and loved by his King only to have Saul want to kill him, Jonathan was his best friend and was killed in battle, among other trials and tribulations. Do I really want to dance like David? Because the significance of him dancing before the Lord is that it was despite everything else!

Let's look at Paul's faith: his faith shone through while isolated in the toughest prison where he ended up dying after people tried to burn him, a couple of shipwrecks happened, and he had to be escorted to jail by a lot of soldiers to keep him alive due to people trying to prematurely kill the guy. Do I really want that kind of faith? Because I don't really want those hardships...

Silas sang despite being beaten... and facing fire? Ahhh... no thanks.

Then I like the song again... "It won’t burn me though, God’s got my back Shadrach Meshach Abednego."

And then I realized that my life has been a struggle - as are most people's lives - yet, "I wanna walk like Moses, Right through the waves, One day I’ll see that promise land, no longer slaves, Though the fear is talkin’, no it can’t take out my faith." And that is what rings trues for me at the end of the day.

My faith is still here. Despite all of the reasons I have to be completely sure that I am alone... God still whispers His calm to my fears. I just have to be still enough to hear His reassurances. Despite the shadows and the flames surrounding me... God has got me. He hasn't failed me.

I just have to also remember the next song that started playing: "Praying Woman" sung by Lainey Wilson:

I have the power of a "Praying Woman." When life gets so overwhelming, I bow my head and pray just like the song says to: "When a storm gets to brewing, And the war is a raging, Only one way through it, You keep on praying, Find truth in the trouble, Rise up from the rubble, When push comes to shoving, You keep on praying, woman."

I've been feeling very much at war in the past few weeks with storms brewing in multiple corners of my life that keep threatening to demolish the life I am building into rubble and I wondered to myself, what exactly is the truth in this trouble?

Then in the silence of the quiet around me, I realized that I had gotten way too overwhelmed in the past month. I had asked God for help. Stuff was piling up, my to do list was getting too tall, and I was driving myself crazy trying to get all of the things done.

Then, my vehicle broke down. I about lost every single reason I had for sticking around as my negative hallucinations took the opportunity to tell me: "you are worth more dead than alive." Thankfully, I have pills to make those things go away... but the thought remained.

I spent a day or two fighting against this reality... trying to make sense of why my new vehicle would have broken down... and then adding in multiple people (professionals and friends) canceling plans/meetings and dealing with wanting to pull my hair out. And then, acceptance slowly slipped over me. A day later? I am pretty sure that it all was an answer to prayer.

I've been attended things like I am supposed to. November 4-8 had like 16 items scheduled: a doctor's appointment, meetings with 4/5 of my mental health professionals, a major meeting to go over what could become a massive medical/legal issue with a place that provides services to me, one of the bigger food runs, daycare, the kid's therapy appointments (5 or 6), managing support staff for one of my kiddos - because support staff for myself currently is just non-existent, attempting to maintain friendship's... all after buying a new vehicle on the 3rd and making new connections on the 2nd after like 2 weeks of 2-4 hours of sleep per day as one of my kiddos were massively struggling... and needing to take a trip on the 9th which involves packing and planning and preparations...

I had a slight breakdown on the 8th after an interaction with law enforcement did not go well. And then the trip didn't exactly end well this last weekend leaving me with a lot more feelings to process through after the last week has left me drained... then 2 schedule changes happened, followed by the vehicle breaking down. It was a lot.

But now? Yesterday and today I was reminded of why bad things sometimes happen. I was able to cross a bunch of the smaller tasks off of my to do list like... a phone call with the insurance company, paying bills & balancing the checkbook, processing a large return, checking to see if I had snow removal services lined up, cooking actual meals that involve more than heating a pre-made dish or making sandwiches, making a few phone calls to family members, completing half of the stack of paperwork that needs to be done before Thanksgiving, and cleaning up some in the house.

There was nothing else to do. Nowhere else to go. My schedule on Wednesday had 5 obligations instead of 8, Thursday had 2 instead of 5, and today had 1. The vehicle will likely be repaired by the end of the weekend. The massive problem is hopefully a stupidly simple fix that I was told that I should be able to do myself, but I didn't try for a couple of reasons: I know that I pushed myself too hard from October 23rd until November 12th.

3 weeks of intense stress almost broke me... and the 3 weeks prior to that weren't exactly smooth either... however, I can't allow myself to be broken. I have 2 kiddos that deserve stability and need me to stay in one piece. *smile* I asked for help and this was God's answer - even though I want to scream in frustration, I do have to admit that this... this was a good way to force me to stop and be still.

Today I was reminded of the the life I want to build. My daughter had gotten into several things and I just about gave in to the frustration as packs of pull-ups were dumped out... but then she threw 2 armfuls into the air while jumping, dancing, and laughing while exclaiming: "look Mama - it's snowing!" My son who struggles with gentle touches asked for snuggles while happily telling me how much he loved school time today. And just like that, I remembered. This is what happiness is.

I was losing myself in the storms of life. So God said, "Peace, be still." and I listened. It might have taken me a couple of days to stop fighting and trying to run away from God's voice, but hey... Elijah had to spend 40 days in solitude so that he could remember who he was, so in the grand scheme of things? I could be doing much worse.

And maybe... I do want to dance like David despite my challenges. I do want to have a faith like Paul's where no matter what, I know that God has my best interests in mind. I do want to sing like Silas despite the tears running down my face. And I do want to be able to face the fires of this life knowing that God is standing right there beside me.

Maybe I am already doing it... even if I am not very good at it. But, like with all things, you have to practice faith to be good at it. And faith is only practiced through difficult times. So... this Sabbath, I am thankful for God always taking my best interests into account & always giving me what I need - even if it isn't what I want! *smile*