Walking away

I wanted to create something successful. Success doesn’t look or feel like they portray it on tv or in the movies. My mind was always full of to do lists and not the kind that say laundry and groceries but the kind that keep you hyperventilating in the middle of the night. I was making sure dinner was on your table and there was nothing on mine. I created so much lack in my own family to people please everyone elses. People pleasing is a learned form of validation. It’s a common human reaction. But what happens when the people stop being please? I was so tired I didn’t even know what tired or exhausted was any more. The feeling of impending doom followed me for years. This voice telling me I forgot to do something or call someone back. Entrepreneurship is a gift and a curse that you must have a motive. It’s a drive like nothing else. A rush and a thrill from working. A great spark that creates and fuels dreams. Sometimes money is a motivator, sometimes managing is a motivator. Managing, communicating, developing were part of my everyday routine just like the business textbooks tell you. What they don’t tell you about is how easy that becomes because it’s only 1/10th of the job. Food Service is brutal. Grinding is a terminology I found to fit the description best. Grinding in the culinary world implies your turning things to dust. And that’s just what I was doing. You have to have grit to grind, day in and day out. There’s usually a motive behind your grit, getting you up at 5 am to start your work day. A nudge to get the soup on before anyone else is up. When the motive is removed you loose the spark. Work became my only reason. As a chef your main hidden goal is validation. People pleasing if you will. The gratitude and thankfulness was only temporary until the next challenge. Cooking is where I received my highest compliments, it became a source of my self esteem, but all outside myself. Until one day, someone said what if I couldn’t cook, what would I do? I didn’t know the answer.

Scared, really sad and empty is how that question left me. I don’t know. That made me super uncomfortable but in a way that I needed to find out. My first step to that answer was walking away. It felt like walking away with bases loaded, as the number 5 hitter. The grief has been overwhelming at times. I miss my people, the interaction and friendship. I miss the thrill of the hustle. I miss the large padded bank account. I miss the food and the food I created. I miss chasing a dream. I’m a dreamer- there’s my second clue. As hard as it is to walk away from something you deeply love, sometimes it’s the only path to something new, something bigger. The day I made the decision a quiet serene voice was enough. It was so powerful I knew it was the right choice. I never once regretted it. I’ve been sad, grieving the loss of something I built with my own heart. A dream realized and created from my own sight. It’s hard to change pace, heal from within. It’s harder not to people please. Validation is only temporary unless it comes from myself. I’ll always be my worst critic. If I’m always searching outside myself for validation then I’m missing out on true fulfillment. It’s been eerie to wake up with a wide open Monday. I think I’ve worked pretty consistently since I was 16. My life has slowed down and most of the work panic has been removed. I’m resting in my kids lives, their busy schedules and fun school days. I’m walking, writing and watching them grow up from the first row not the balcony. Self care is becoming routine, and we sit down to dinner every night. This too shall pass but it’s important to do the impossible for the potential of what’s possible to emerge. Chef Jordy