Truly Beautiful

I am still in awe of how God moves in my life.

I recently made the decision to rededicate my life to Christ and get baptised again. It was completely random, first time at a new church, didn't know anyone outside of my sister, brother in law, and two friends. I had resigned from my job a few days prior (not by choice), I felt lost and scared. I'm a single mom of 3, how will I provide for my kids? How will we keep our home, what will we do for food? I was dealing with dibilitating anxiety because of it, I couldn't even enjoy my brother in laws birthday at restaraunt without having a full blown anxiety attack on how I was going to pay for it. Jesus isn't a new thing in my life, I grew up learning about him, having a relationship with him. I had people in my life that still prayed for me and my children. But I didn't realize that working for the man that I had been working for had isolated me, I worked so much, I didn't have time for anything else. I wasn't in the Word daily, I took my eyes off Jesus and started focusing more on monetary gain than actually living. It was just another way to put a bandaid over the hurt that I never dealt with. And let me tell you, if you don't deal with it, there will come a point where it will overflow. I had put bandaid, over bandaid on my heart, tried to control everything I could fix it, and if I didn't know how, I would learn how. Until something happened in my life that I couldn't control and everything spiralled. Again. This was not the first time something happened to me that completely rocked my world, and there was nothing that I could physically do about it.

So I prayed... I was praying every night that things would get better. I slept with my bible and worship music on because without those, I was waking up with anxiety, barely sleeping an hour before it would happen again. I was terrified. I reached out to an instagram Pastor that I had been following for awhile (God puts people in our lives for a reason). Who helped me realize I was using my bible and worship music as a crutch and not fully looking to Jesus in my time of need.

And then I went to church. The worship focused on praising God for being our provider. The message from the Pastor focused on it's okay to tap out, so God can tap in; because in our weakness, He is our strength. But what I will never forget about that Sunday, August 21, 2022, was when the Pastor extended the invitation to anyone who wanted to get baptised. I knew in my heart it was time. I had got baptised when I was around 9 years old, and never did it again. Didn't think I needed to. And let me tell you, I was the prodigal daughter. I'd rededicated my life to the Lord before... this time it was different.

As I got changed into the shirt and shorts they gave me, I started shaking. Teeth chattering, fully on body shakes like I was freezing. I couldn't stop it. When I walked outside, there was supposed to be others getting baptised, but they weren't out there, so they asked if I wanted to go first. Nope, I definitely did not want to go first, which told me I needed to. You see, sometimes what we want is not what we need, nor does it line up with what God wants for our lives. We have to trust him, have faith in His promises. So I told them I'd go first and made my way over to the Pastor and his wife who were standing my the pool of water. When I got up to them, they asked if I was ready, and I was honest. "Nope, I'm terrified and can't stop shaking, which means I absolutely need to do this." And as they helped me into the water and I sat on the little ledge, I began to shake even harder. The asked me if I was ready to publically rededicate my life to Jesus, I said "I am" and the Pastor reminded me, when I come out of the water, to leave all the crap behind in it. Come out a new creation.

Right before my head hit that water to go under, I let go. I let go of everything. My hurt, my fear, my betrayal, my anger... everything. And I literally came out of that water washed clean, a new creation. After almost 2 weeks of crippling anxiety, of feeling like I had a wall between God and myself, after having this giant hole in my chest that physically effected me (I could barely eat).... I was free. I cannot describe the exact feeling, but free and lightweight... true and complete peace in Jesus is what I felt. And I knew beyond a shadow of a dought, that I was home. I couln't stop crying, and in the 2 weeks since then, God has done nothing but show up in my life. And I can't wait for God to write this next chapter in my life. New things, a new heart, and a new purpose. God is so good.

It's never too late, God loves your right where you're at. He sees your everything, even the stuff you try to hide and handle yourself, and loves you still. Walk with me on this journey.

This is very out of my comfort zone, but I'll be writing regularly here. About life, what God is teaching me, more in depth of what I've gone through and hopefully encouragment to anyone who's going through something similar.

Until next time, remember the God of the universe has called you His beloved, you are sons and daughters of the King over everything. You are not alone.