The Song of the Heart

When I was 25 years old, I was a stressed-out chemistry major. I lived in the library just to pass my classes with a C. I dreaded any labs and saw no future in what I was going to do even if I did survive the strenuous program. I was sat down by two different chemistry professors and told that I had no drive, that I was not a chemist, and that I paid no attention to what was going on in each class. This broke me, as I was applying every brain cell I had at my disposal, every effort in my being, barely to survive each class. Finally, physical chemistry made my brain explode, and biochemistry confused me to no end. I flunked out. Full of anxiety, I sought help from a University advisor. I had only one question for her: "What am I gonna do now?!" I had spent five long years of my life trying to emulate my chemist father, who I looked up to so dearly. Seeing what a frantic state I was in, she asked me to calm down, stop taking classes that fried my mind, and take something fun. "Fun??" I thought. College isn't about fun! It's about graduating. She implored me further, "Stop taking all this physics and calculus and chemistry. Take something you like." Her calm smile added some sense to what she was saying. Reluctantly, I agreed. I remembered taking an acting class in junior college, which I found quite fun, so I enrolled in an acting class.

From the very first monologue I had to perform, my heart was ablaze. I looked forward to acting class all week long. It became the one time that I felt truly alive. After a few classes, the professor pulled me aside one day and asked if I had been acting my whole life. Surprised, I said, "Not at all! I just started!" She took a moment to absorb the shock of my statement and proceeded to tell me about a play she was directing that I should audition for. I auditioned and got the lead role. From then on, every moment I was on stage was pure bliss. I finally had permission to be myself. I could share my joys, hurts, struggles and passions with my audience. I knew then that this was what God created me to do.

All art forms are an extension of the heart and the song it wants to sing. But in no other art is the whole body, mind and voice used sing that song besides acting. It is the ultimate expression of the truth of the soul. Whether you have talent or not, learning the invaluable skill of sharing your heart is a priceless ability that you can learn nowhere else but the magical place we call the stage. I belonged there. I wanted to live there and wrap myself in its' joy.

After returning from Iraq and receiving my honorable discharge, I attended grad school for acting, moved to LA, and became an acting professor while I also pursued the dream. When I would tell people that I taught acting, some would respond with the question, "So you teach people how to lie?" Each time I would smile, chuckle, and answer, "No. I teach people how to tell the truth." It wasn't until I got to grad school that I genuinely understood what it meant to connect with another actor on stage and how to share that with the audience. My heart was opened even further. The contrast between the world of Marine Corps infantry and grad school for acting proved even more that the stage was my home. In the Marine Corps, there is no room or even tolerance for personal expression. I don't say this to smear the Marine Corps. After all, it is the place where I became a man. I say it only to express that the Marine Corps rewards toughness and long-suffering. The stage is a place that rewards you for being more of yourself. I walked through the doors of the American Repertory Theater(where I attended grad school) starved of artistic sustenance. And so again I found myself waking each day with a smile on my heart, knowing that I would get the opportunity to be more of myself.

The only activity I loved almost as much as acting itself was teaching acting. I taught many intro to acting classes, where most of my students were trapped in their shells of acceptable behavior that their age demanded. I reaped insurmountable amounts of joy from giving others permission to be themselves. That beautiful and sacred moment when a student would make the connection between their own true heart and the audience was a gift that no other profession could provide me. The privilege to share in those timeless moments gave my life a glow that it never had before.

I have since left LA and I haven't acted in years. My heart aches to share and connect with an audience again. I have plans to move back to the city of entertainment and pursue my dream once more. It is another adventure that I look to the horizon and welcome with a smile that cannot be measured. The good Lord blessed me with the greatest Earthly gift that a man can receive during this life-a committed and loving wife. So, I suppose by allowing my dreams to be put on hold, I opened myself up for even greater joy. Because I am so lucky, she is willing to come with me on my next journey of continuing my dream. I cannot wait to write my next chapter.