Dear, reader
Whoever is the one unlucky one to have opened this letter I am sorry. I did not want it to end like this, But it is the only way it could have ended. You see I had no other choice. I knew nothing would help end the pain and I could not go on like this anymore. No one cared enough, no one tried to help me. The demons got to be much. The woman I loved left me and took the only piece of hope, the only ray of light out of my dark world in this never ending hell. As I sit here writing this to you even though I do not know who will be reading this or if anyone cares enough to read this and know why I did what I did.
March 3rd
Everywhere I go bitches always know that the party fellows.
I didn't do anything to throw away my life. I just liked having fun. I didn't care if I lived or died because no one else did. I was happy. We were the strays making the most of what we had.
My family had ‘my back’. It wasn't what I needed though. It was suffocating and fake.
March 4th
I am nowhere,
If i am here without you
Even if you take it all away
I will wait for you,
Even when the light begins to fade
I’ll met you in this broken place
I see all the pain and scars that left you cold
Through the storm that never goes away
Don’t believe all the lies you were told
I’ll be right here
When the sky falls
I’ll show you the way home
March 7th
Everything was going so great in my life. But you made me feel like I had a reason. Like I could be happy. And the universe had to remind me what I was. I came into this world on an accident that's all I am and that's all I'll ever be. I’m not mad for happiness. I’m not made to feel loved back I can only give it. I felt like a human being that day. Life is supposed to be a bitch but it doesn't even give me a fighting chance. I’m just so tired of swimming for the shore when there is none. I'm drowning in refuse. I'm stuck here with everyone's backstabbing bullshit. I'm just meant to make everyone else better. There's nothing else I can do anymore. And i don't know when it will all end. I wasn't supposed to be convinced I wasn't supposed to be born. I don't know why i am still here. Life has been trying to kill me since day one but hasn't yet and i don't know why. Im tired from the cock n ball tourtre i'm at the end of my game but life is just getting started with me. I am here waiting for my death trying to let others know that they are not alone and I understand. The pain, the hate , the rage , the never ending sadness.
March 16th
It matters to me who is saving who because when everything falls apart, I want to be able to look into my eyes and know that at one point someone saw something in me that was worth saving. That i am human. But then again, you never did really believe in me. You used me and destroyed me so whatever you gave me, that worth , happiness , hope was shattered and buried in a place that no one not even myself will ever be able to get back. You throw me away like i was nothing like everyone else does now you can't stand the sight of me. Well baby welcome to the fucking club.
March 22nd
You say god is really but
I disagree
Because if that was true then
I would be set free
Running from something that's killing me
Dealing with such an uncomfortable feeling
pain just to feel again
April 4th
Would you love a creature like me ?
I try to disregarded the things the voice tell me to do
But i'm so high on misery
Is it time to lay down and die
Living in the ruins of a dream
I cant believe i am actually meant to be here
Is it time to close my eyes
April 6th
You need to slit your wrist and go jump off a bridge
Fucking kill everyone
The beast inside is alive
And ready to feed
So where the fuck is your god now
April 12th
Isn’t beautiful the way we fall apart
How broken we are to the things that,
Hurt us all,
The permanent scars
Its magical tragic the way we break our hearts
April 16th
IF life is but a dream i want to
Smile all the time in my sleep
April 20th
Who’s gonna pick you up when you fall ?
April 22nd
I've got my finger on the trigger
One bullet in the gun
And I'm spinning the revolver
Thinking this could be the one
I'm dying
To be something more than a memory
April 24th
Am I worthless?
Am I filthy?
Am I too far gone for a remedy?
Where's my happiness?
When will it all end ?
April 26th
If I reach out
Can I trust you? Will you help me see the light of one more day?
April 28th
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
Please tell mom this is not her fault
About the Creator
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my confession
4/14 My alarm goes off pulling me from a nightmare forcing me to live in another one. I pull on a band tee shirt that's probably dirty. I was downstairs and the smell of coffee filled the air. I grab a coffee mug and pour a cup of coffee. Faye you said you would cut back. I turn around and put the spoon in the sink. I say a lot of things,it runs in the family. Julie is my appointed mother since the day everything went straight to the center of the deepest hell there is. Rick , her husband, comes around the corner. Leave her alone he says. Julie throws her hands up and walks off. I go up stairs. Hey. He says stop me. You need breakfast. No thanks I say. He just looks at me. I'll grab a bite with Jamie. I go up stairs and turn on my t.v. I blast music as I put on my makeup. Which is foundation, dark red eyeshadow and black eyeliner with mascara. I grab my shoes and bag and climb out the window down to my car. I head to Jamie's. He's smoking on the porch when I get there. Cin baby. He says when I get out of the car. I picked up his pack of smokes . mind? I ask. Help yourself. I take one out and light it. I sit on the stairs across from him. You okay? I ask. Yeah he says. Just didn't sleep well. Hmm okay. I say. How are you ?he asked. Good. I say. No really cin. How are you? Good. I say again , with an attitude. Okay. He says. Wanna get food? I ask. Yeah sure. He shrugged. We get into my car and head to the coffee house down the road. Just the two of you ? The waitress asked. Four. I say. Right this way .She seats us at a table in the corner. Eric and Ash will be here in like five. Okay. Jamie says. I have to go to the bathroom.I say. I take my bag with me. I lock the door and set my bag on the sink. I pull out a mint can. I pop two pills. Only two. My voice says behind me. I turn around and try to hide the can. Oh it’s only you. I say. Are you getting weak?Echo asks. No! I say. Good. She takes the can from my hands and opens it. I open my mouth and she places two on my tongue. I swell them. That's my girl. My hands back my can and kiss my cheek. I hide the can back in my bag and go back to Jamie. Eric and Ash are already here. Hey guys. I say sitting next to Jamie. Have you guys decided what you want? The waitress asked. I'll have coffee and a waffle. I say. I'll have a coke and combo 3. Jamie says. I lean over and whisper to Jamie. I need to smoke. I stand up and go outside. I light a smoke , and rest against the wall. Are you not gonna smoke it ? Echo asks. No, I don't really want it. I say. What do you want? I don't know. Hey she turns my head to her. What do you want? Something to forget. Something to feel alive. Everything, anything. Why don't you ask Blake. Blake from Paradise. Yeah why not. Echo says. Yeah I guess I could. I say. I put the ciggie out. I go back inside. Our food was there. Hey are you okay? Who ? I ask. Yeah you. Eric says. Yeah I'm good. I sip my coffee. My phone rings. I decline it. Who was it? Eric asks. No one is important. I say and take a bite of my waffle. My phone goes off again. I decline it. They call right back. Fuck. I say picking my phone up. I answer it. Hello. I am full of attitude. Where are you? Julie asks. Eating breakfast with friends. Why? You need to come home now! Why? Just do it. No! Faye! I hung up. I have to go guys. I leave a ten on the table. When I get to my car , I pull out my phone and call Blake. Hey ,are you working? Yeah. Blake says. Can I come by? Yeah of course. Sweet see you soon. I hung up. It takes me 30 minutes to get there and Julie calls me every 2 minutes.
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