The Inner Compass Foretold

It's journal time! Reflection is necessary at points in life. Why? It revives the soul.

I've been picking away at my biography for a few years now, flowing words surrounding daily life, masked highlights in definition of the world around me and it gets a little haunting later (as a spiritualist, no pun intended) but of course the intention as always with my work, a happy ending.

Societal conventions shape us, to a point. We as intelligent beings can choose as we wish but if we choose outside of those, are we supported? Choose the right man...pick the right career...the right place to live...faith paths...even our recreation choices...decisions...these are often influenced by the world around us. Then there is the weight of the world, the economy, realistic opportunities, other's psyches, imbalances of power in the workplace, the list could go on.

I've never been one to tell people what to do. Guidance if asked, sure but to point it out to others is kind of an insult to their very drive, isn't it? So, I've always been vaguely amused when people do that to others, when they get assertive about it, it becomes more interesting.

From The Beginning

I never wanted what other people wanted. I just wasn't the same when it came to values. Conventions never mattered to me, even at a young age. Marriage, children, a big house, none of that mattered. Some people just don't value that. For some people, it can almost box them in. Thunderbolts over pigeonholing, the finer art of schooling is nurturing Self. There we culture our means of livelihood or could spend our lives miserable.

I remember the first time my mother sat me down at eleven years old to explain the birds and bees and had the big hardcover book the school gave to parents to teach their kids with, and all of it went right over my head. I didn't understand a thing she said and it seemed a little boring. Then she explained to me about marriage and how it is the highlight of people's life, and about the wedding dress, and changing your name. I remember grasping that part. I very seriously looked up at my amazingly beautiful mother with alabaster skin, dark hair, and Irish eyes and said clearly, "I am n.e.v.e.r doing that," turned on my heel and went to my princess pink Barbie bedroom that I loved, and sat and barely stifled tears. It was worse than finding out the secret of Santa Claus. What do you mean e v e r y o n e does this - take another person's name?! The gall of life! No, no I am not. I loved dresses, I wore dresses every day but I was not going to commemorate some day by wearing a certain one. What does marriage mean? I was going to be Betty Davis and that was that. Marriage, no.

A couple of years later hormones kicked in but even when I got a little boy crazy I still had an innate understanding of what mattered - books and art. I had a very strong sense of independence at a very young age and that always guided me. I might've gotten distracted here and there but always re-directed myself and accomplished what I set out to do: education, professional career, art exhibits, publishing. I couldn't have kids (O-negative blood), and it didn't matter, it wasn't a big deal. I flourished when left to my own plans. I'd rather have a comfortable home, an affordable one, my own space.

Little girl's movie star dreams set aside long ago, for as long as I can remember I was always interested in books and learning, art, and dogs. What else was there? ... Forever, people have seemed to want to box me in some way though, almost everyone. It's not a theme in life but the glaring difference is astounding at times. It got to the point that even at my age now, people who think they know better for me don't just think so, they want to influence ... to the point that they utterly destroyed everything, took it all from me until I had nothing. It re-started with a lawyer's influence, but the dilemma really started before then (more in the book). Taking someone's life away... That makes it near impossible to restart. How many starts does a person need?

Philosophically, as many as one needs. Realistically only as many as real possibilities exist. The curse of humanity is small towns, small cities, small worlds or am I wrong there and is it just small minds wherever a person may be? Who takes someone's world based on a whim or a misgiving and then goes their merry way? While God forbid to say anything is to be called a bitch. That I care even less about.

It's never been the regard of close friends or family that I worry about because I love them, it's always the vagueish ones. The ones that blend in the background. The structured boxes with legs of their own that regard anything different as wrong. Always the first to say, the ones to speak the loudest. I will be clear here, gossip does destroy. If thou does not know the person, thou should keep thy mouth shut. As a Life Coach here is a little advice to fasten your thoughts on: if someone has something to say, the louder they are, the more they have done. There are casual goings on in a person's life that may be a point of curiosity or discussion, and there is toxic gossip and many times it is covering something that has worked against you. Words can harm or heal. I'd get further into the psychology of it, or indeed the details of my lament, but I don't have time.

"Your never going to change the world."

"Well, I can change my own little corner of it."

Then they took my world.

Like an orchestrator of fate, the omens hand in hand manipulated persons, partis, and things, in order to do so. There is more than one narcissist in the well. Hide behind your cloaks, your batons, facsimiles and the missing fortunes.

Let me cling to anger here since it is such a fleeting thing. Really, a rare emotion, an almost non-existent one for me because I never had a reason to be, never. I just don't hold anger well. Yet, now it seems to be a field before me, to place my wants, my but-but-buts now bigger than the universe, bigger than the need to cry.

The call out for independence is corporeal, we're born with it. Where does it go? In someone else's pocket, is that where it is supposed to be? Where do-gooders usually rest their silly minds. So they can hold it close, so they don't know the difference of the meaning of a life entrapped, a lie, or a zero point of view? Maybe it helps them with awareness but somehow I doubt it.

Freezing wisdom is never an answer. There is no toehold to a future that way either. Age doesn't matter because there is always a future.

I would think about it more but then I would be thinking like them, so I won't complete the thought of judgment lest it take hold. I prefer to let my soul thrive, if my shell for now is not.

Excerpt, abbreviated. Biography, The World Around Me - in progress. Copyright © 2023 Lisa A Lachapelle. All rights reserved.

Lisa Lachapelle's Books