The Golden Globes Are Back… and Somehow Still Going

Ah yes, the Golden Globes — the discount Oscars. Or as I like to call them, the Teimu Version of the Oscars, which themselves are drifting into such cultural irrelevance that pretty soon the only place willing to broadcast them will be YouTube.

Imagine being so forgotten, so dusty, so aggressively un-asked-for that YouTube becomes your last safe haven.

Oh wait…

Anyway, here we are again. Another year, another Hollywood self-congratulatory echo chamber people pretend to care about. The Globes have been part of this industry’s annual celebration of itself for over 80 years. But there’s only one pair of Golden Globes I’m genuinely interested in — and unfortunately, they’re not made of metal.

The Golden Globes: A Hollywood Barometer Nobody Checks Anymore

Look, beyond being an excuse for pampered, over-caffeinated celebrities to gather in $10,000 outfits and sip free champagne while lecturing the masses they never interact with, the Globes do serve one purpose:

They reveal what Hollywood thinks of itself.

What it values.

What it wants to push.

And what it desperately needs the public to pretend to care about.

Slight issue:

Nobody cares.

Host Nikki Glaser said it best in her monologue:

“The Golden Globes — without a doubt, the most important thing happening in the world right now.”

A beautifully delivered roast. The kind of burn that leaves a mark.

The Big Winner of the Night: You Probably Didn’t Watch It

The evening’s big winner was One Battle After Another (yep, that title still feels like an AI word jumble). Nine nominations. Four wins. Zero surprises.

If a movie could be algorithmically engineered in a lab purely to win awards rather than entertain human beings, it would look exactly like this film. Bloated. Pretentious. Glacial. A 150-million-dollar exercise in cinematic virtue signaling — starring two leads who crave validation more intensely than fitness influencers.

The public rejected it.

Hollywood embraced it.

Because this wasn’t a movie for audiences — it was a warm emotional security blanket for the industry itself. A comfort film for a system watching its own castle crumble.

Another Favorite: A Movie Americans Have Never Heard Of

Next up, Sentimental Value.

Eight nominations. Norwegian family drama. Two estranged sisters reconnecting with their father.

Sounds nice.

Sounds heartfelt.

Sounds like something 99.9% of Americans did not watch and will not watch.

Stellan Skarsgård was great — he’s always great — but this isn’t exactly the type of film sparking global conversation. Still, the Globes love an international pick that nobody outside the festival circuit has seen.

A Surprise: Sinners Doesn’t Sweep the Table

Now this one confused me.

Sinners earned seven nominations but only grabbed two wins — one being “Cinematic or Box Office Achievement,” which is basically the polite version of:

“Congrats on making money. Have a trophy.”

Considering Ryan Coogler’s industry sweetheart status and the film’s themes — which Hollywood loudly pretends to care about — you’d expect it to be drenched in awards. But nope.

A rare moment of restraint.

K-Pop Demon Hunters Steals the Animation Spotlight

On a brighter note, K-pop Demon Hunters snagged Best Animated Feature and Best Original Song.

Well done, my little soda pops. I believed in you.

Wait… Bella Ramsey Was Nominated?

I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

Apparently drinking cleaning products is bad for the brain — who knew?

But nope, I saw it correctly:

Bella Ramsey nominated for Best Actress in a TV Series for The Last of Us.

Who sat down, watched that performance, and said:

“Yes. Award-worthy.”

Either this was the boldest joke of the night or someone at the nomination committee lost a bet.

Ricky Gervais Wins — In Spirit and in Reality

Possibly the greatest moment of the night:

Ricky Gervais taking home Best Stand-Up Comedy.

A man famous for roasting the Golden Globes at the Golden Globes somehow winning a Golden Globe is poetic comedy perfection.

His iconic takedown still lives rent-free in my skull:

“You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything… Just accept your award, thank your agent and your god, and [bleep] off.”

Timeless. Beautiful. A chef’s kiss of Hollywood self-awareness.

Wanda Sykes Accepts on His Behalf — And the Jokes Begin

Wanda Sykes accepting Ricky’s award created its own comedic moment:

“Some people are pissed off that a queer Black woman is up here doing the job of two mediocre white guys.”

Ah yes…

This style of joke.

Feels like a time portal to 2019.

Try this drinking game at home:

Watch any Wanda Sykes interview.

Take a shot every time she mentions race, gender, or sexuality.

You’ll be on the floor within minutes.

The Annual Political Lecture Section (Yay…)

No Hollywood awards show would be complete without the required political speeches — most notably from Mark Ruffalo, Hollywood’s unofficial Minister of Moral Outrage.

He gave a trembling monologue about politics, morality, presidents, laws, and how hard it is to enjoy a glamorous party when the world is on fire.

I mean, he still showed up in a custom tuxedo, but sure, Mark — you’re suffering.

The Whole Event Felt… Embarrassingly Hollow

My biggest takeaway?

The atmosphere was weirdly flat and self-aware.

Everyone in the room seemed to know:

• the industry is shrinking
• the public doesn’t care
• the awards are meaningless
• the prestige is fading

There was a quiet tension — like everyone knew they were performing in a show that doesn’t matter anymore.

Ricky Gervais called it years ago, and he was right:

“You know nothing about the real world… accept your little award and [bleep] off.”

Still the truest sentence ever spoken on that stage.