Sorry, Not Sorry

Dear Deepest Fear,

It’s been a while since you’ve heard from me directly. Don’t worry, I’ve been receiving your constant flow of directives. The ones you leave in the awkward silences at a party, the falter in a co-worker’s smile, and those all too automatic assumptions about everyone else’s perceptions that pop into my head.

Today, I’m finally ready to resign from a post you’ve shouldered me with for far too long. I know you probably thought after I stepped down from the Social Interaction Avoider role twelve years ago that I’d be content to fulfill all other duties without complaint. And that might have been the case, but you know that big life event from two years ago that you had an absolute heyday with? Yes, the white veil occasion one. Well, turns out what you made your playground for several months has become a prison cell for me. And I want out. But I’ll be leaving a part of me behind. I’m officially resigning from the post of Over-Apologizer.

That’s right. No more “I’m sorry”s for any and every situation where someone could possibly be upset with me or burdened by me. Someone across the volleyball court makes a bad play on my perfectly good pass, not my fault. I’m currently using the only working copier when another teacher shows up to make copies, I didn’t do anything wrong. Changing the dinner plans when the grocery store is out of an ingredient for a meal, not a disaster. My husband forgetting something at home, not my responsibility.

I understand that your preoccupation with the potential for me to be burdensome to others makes Over-Apologizer an obvious job to task me with. And no surprise I’ve excelled at it. "I'm sorry" may be the most frequently used phrase in my vocabulary. But there’s been a cost to occupying this role, one that I’m not interested in paying any more. Others have to cater to my insecurity, which ends up being more burdensome than the thing I’m apologizing for. In addition, it shows I don’t trust people to care about me if I do cause some inconveniences. And how deep can a relationship grow without mutual trust?

The constant desire to please others and make myself responsible for their happiness is something you’re going to continue to attack me with. Probably for my whole life. It’s who you’ve always been and it’s who you always will be. But fear doesn’t win in the end. So I take solace in the certainty that one day you’ll be out of business. Permanently.

Even right now a victory is in sight. Because I see clearly that there is no escaping the fact that I am going to inconvenience people and burden the ones I love. I’m not perfect and accidents happen. As do honest mistakes.

I’m not God, but I believe in a powerful and sovereign one. However, that just becomes lip service if I keep setting myself up as though the realm of my power extends far further than it actually does. And if I have assurance in my identity in Him I don’t need reassurance from everyone else I interact with.

So I’m going to reserve my apologies for when I’ve actually inflicted harm that I need to ask forgiveness for. I need to let others demonstrate their love for me by helping me carry my burdens. My purpose is not to make sure everyone else is happy. And I will always be inadequate. Over-apologizing for those inadequacies is not considerate. It’s self-serving.

Please let your two-headed superior, Pride and Self-Pity, know I’m leaving the Over-Apologizer position. I know they’ve got plenty of other ambitions to concern themselves with and they needn’t waste any more resources in this endeavor. The truth is I’m just not that important and I’m not really in control of anything beyond my own choices, so the constant apologizing for things I have zero responsibility over is ridiculous. Shows how convincing you all can be for it to have taken this long for me to see it. (I suspect Deceit has been getting paid for a lot of overtime.)

I’d like to say this change will be effective immediately, but as with the last time I stepped down from a role, we’re looking at a slow transition period, so consider this my two year notice. This is going to require some serious heart work that will rely on both patience and perseverance.

It has not been my pleasure to cater to you in this capacity or any other. Therefore, I’m thrilled that one more role under your supervision is going to be removed. Even though I doubt you’re not going anywhere anytime soon, I do hope this is one of many downsizing changes to come in your department.

Sincerely,

D.K.