SOCIAL SHOCK REMEDY

All my life I have felt misplaced and displaced.

I never felt like I fit into my own family.

I would hide in closets or somewhere no one could find me and just read.

This feeling was akin to being lost in a forest full of trees, I have a bright beacon shining all around me, but no one actually sees me.

Comic books were my favorite, like many kids I wanted to be that superhero that could fly. I would find some deserted island, build my tree house and fly out at night to do my superhero jaunt. But I would always return to my comics and books in my tree house on my deserted island.

I always loved books. I have read a wide variety of fiction. The sadness factor of non- fiction was not attractive to me. It made life seem real, and when one feels lost and would rather remain shrouded in mystery, I felt it best not to be reminded of reality.

I wrote pages and pages of poetry. I read books, and comic books and I wrote poetry. Poetry about everything. But what to do with them?. I knew nothing about going to publishers or even allowing someone to form or give me an opinion on my writing. I was too immersed in staying in the shadows.

High school was a blur. I went every day, sat in a classroom full of my peers, but They never saw me. Four years of being more or less invisible, except of course to a few boys who found my short stubby bow legs attractive. I was embarrassed by them, they were different from everyone's legs. But boys, they gave me hope.

I managed to finish high school intact, graduated and got a job. I was a fish out of water on the job. Was this ever going to get any better, I wondered if my whole life was doomed by insecurity.

It was the same rote. Family, school. work. I still could not fit in. So I enrolled in college. I was still so shy as a young person. College was brutal.

I could hide very well in previous schools, but college, they called on you to answer questions.

I distinctly remember being in 2nd year Economics class. The tutor was having everyone answer a question. When it came around to my turn I started sweating. "What if my answer is wrong, what if I look and sound silly, what if?."

She was waiting. I knew the answer, the longer I procrastinated, the more I sweated. Everyone turned to look at me. I sweated even more. Finally, I did an even more embarrassing thing, I turned to my 'friend' next to me and asked "is it 573 whatever it was." I never forgot the pitiful look she gave me and turned away. I felt stupid. I answered '573' after an eternity.

The tutor harrumphed and passed over my 'friend.' I guess it was correct. She had passed over my 'friend' because she thought she had told me the answer. She had not.

It probably was no big deal to anyone, but it was extremely traumatizing for me. I was cast into the limelight and felt naked and exposed. Studying business and marketing and economics, and trying to stay relevant, made me feel like I was drowning and trying to swim upstream.

After my second year I stopped torturing myself and self evaluated. I was not the least bit happy with what I was doing. It was not me. I was simply doing what I had to do to survive.

I wanted to live, not merely exist and be miserable. I still had not found my perfect space, but I felt more confident in knowing that I was forging towards my own path.

I discovered my literary artistic self. I can shine my beacon and not care what anyone else thinks. It is my opinion, my choices that really matter. I also have an extremely restless nature. I do not like to be confined to anything rote.

I found this quote on Wikipedia:

"A nerd is a person seen as overly intellectual, obsessive, introverted or lacking social skills. Such a person may spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular, little known, or non-mainstream activities, which are generally either highly technical, abstract, or relating to topics of science fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities. Additionally, many so-called nerds are described as being shy, quirky, pedantic, and unattractive." End quote.

The UNATTRACTIVE part is harsh. But I identify with this quote because I sometimes get ridiculed in that I tend to not pay attention to the normal dress code. I am so distracted by my creativity that dressing to please others might make me seem disheveled. It's of secondary importance, but I try to appear at least clean. It is not my main focus to dress to impress others. Unless a particular situation dictates it of course. I'm not totally hopeless on dress codes.

PEDANTIC. This is said to be an insulting term: literalistic, quirky, scholastic, fastidious, perfectionist oriented and dogmatic. There are so many adjectives to this word that can be broken down and broadly interpreted.

I think there are, ( as Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes put it) high functioning nerds and low functioning nerds. There are different levels of nerds, so those terms do apply somewhere on the nerd spectrum depending on the level.

One thing is sure and certain.

It is the nerds who change the world and bring about revolutions. Some like the Industrial revolution, the Technology revolution, the Literary greats of Writing revolution are high functioning nerd activities, number 10 on the nerd scale.

Then there are those who fall lower on the scale, taking action to bring about changes that are recognized by the world, or just recognized in the small sphere in which they operate, helping to change the world one small step at a time.

Whichever it is one or ten on the scale is relative. You do one and it is a ten, you do a ten and it is one. It is again, only a matter of perspective.

Just do you. That is happiness.

When I saw the ad for Vocal. It was like,, 'what, I can write and create and say all my crap all in one place. I can filter all my past and futuristic ideas and funnel them into my own online space, without undue recrimination and judgement.'

It really does not matter if they think my writing is great, not so good, can do better, need to try harder, what was she thinking, getting better, is really bad, come on; dig deeper. I come to these conclusions on my own because I am encouraged by the community.

The poem 'DESIDERATA' by Max Ehrmann, tells you:

"If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans." End quote.

That is me in blue, with family. This picture depicts my being in the shadows, before I resolved to embrace my gifts of self worth, creativity, art (questionable, but totally enjoyed), love for gardening. nature and the outdoors.

Desiderata

GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927

Original text

Cover pic by unspalsh