So Long

Let's be honest; we both knew this was coming, didn't we? I mean, well, we just never really jelled.

From longing glances and frequent caresses things just, well they cooled to twice a year flirtations, despite what looked to be a perfect fit at the beginning.

We had so much in common, then; I knew that we would complete each other together in a way we could never achieve on our own. There just never seemed a perfect time to share our presence together.

Sometimes the weather wasn't right for it, sometimes I didn't have the shoes worthy of the situation, sometimes, well, we just wouldn't have fit in with the others. I knew it; I think you knew it, too.

To be perfectly frank- I started to feel too mature to be around you. Started to doubt that draw I'd felt the day I first saw you, that magnetic attraction that brought me close, then closer still, caressing you with my eyes before I just had to reach out my hand and softly, gently, run my fingers across your waist.

One touch- that petal-softness yet elastic strength sealed the deal for me: I knew that you would be mine. Still- I hesitated. I knew the price I would pay for the decision would make me an object of mockery, of scorn. I had to back away that day. But. But I knew, deep in my heart, that we would be together. That you and I were destined to be together under the same roof. I was content to wait until, well, until.

Oh- why is this so difficult to admit? I waited until I saw another woman express interest in you and that lit a fire in my heart, in my brain! It shouldn't have mattered- I KNOW!- but the thought of you belonging to another was more than I could take. The minute her back was turned I swooped in and we were nowhere to be seen when she came around again.

The pure joy that I felt that day- I wish I could conjure it again. That day I just KNEW the decision was right. It was perfect. After those many days of glances, stolen touches, now no more hiding. The piper had been paid and the cost was worth it.

Was it, though? For the past- what has it been? TWENTY YEARS?- yes! For the past TWENTY YEARS there have been signs that.... well... that I'd made a mistake. There. I admit it. In fact I had admitted it to myself months ago. Okay, it's time for me to be honest- I knew it years ago.

There was the time we almost made it to the wedding, do you remember that day? it looked sunny, warm-not-hot, just perfect for people to see us for the first time. But then it rained, and I wasn't sure how you'd react to the change and I didn't even try to involve you , and left you behind without a second look. I mean- who does that? Me.

You don't deserve me. There. It's time I admit it. I am not the right one for you. I wonder if I ever really was? Was it love that motivated me that day, or the thought of some other woman having you caress her shoulders, slide across her thighs? I just knew we would be a better fit than SHE ever could. I just knew we would be together forever.

Fantasies. Dreams. Wild imaginative thoughts that, with you in my life I'd be prepared for all the excitement and thrills I was sure waited just around the corner. But those imagined scenarios aren't meant for me. For us.

Wined and dined? LOL. What was I thinking? That would have fit you- it's what you were CREATED to do, isn't it? But little old plain Jane me? No. That really isn't my world. I knew it then I just pretended not to see it. It just, I just can't pretend anymore.

My life is full just the way it is. I'm resigned, no-I'm recognizing that I'll never be right for you. I'll never become the woman you were meant to be with, I never was and I'll never become that woman.

There's no room in my life for you anymore. I used to be so glad to see you! I’d remember the moment I discovered you and then all those old dreams would surface once again. I'd allow myself to be seduced by your sparkle, your shimmer, the way sex and seduction emanated from every ripple. Then I'd permit myself to believe it would work, that we could make it work, that I would become that woman I dreamed of being.

No more. No. No more. I am the woman I was meant to be. Sure, sure, sure; I can stand to lose some weight, work out more, make the most of what I have in the time I have. But that no longer means pretending to be the woman I thought I'd be, the one I dreamed I'd be.

Thinking that way has poisoned me long enough, and I quit. I quit the lies and the blindness to the facts. I've resigned myself to it. That means, my darling; I quit you, too.

Goodbye- I hope you find someone that appreciates you the way you've always deserved.

This can't come as a surprise to you after twenty years; the tags are still on. There's simply no room in my life for a two-sizes too small ivory strapless cocktail dress.