Secret Letter

The basics to playing it safe when entering places like the inside of my head, like I had done, is casting a safe circle. What does that entail? Here, let me paint you a portrait:

The year is 2020; people on places like TikTok were filling jars with Earth and reading Tarot cards and calling it witchcraft. I was in the corner of my room, with an altar set up to begin working with the deity Loki. I gathered up the supplies I needed: a stolen piece of earth, a borrowed crown I had no intention of returning, a shawl of some sort, a wicca board, some stones touched by fire, and a notebook to keep notes in. What happened next was only fate as I began to call on Loki through the board, pointing the pentagram on the wicca board up, asking if Loki was there, I pinged instead, Someone I worked with a little more naturally up until that point..

As I continued to use the board, casting a circle every once and a while, from the left to the right, casting on each point of the same star, something I, at the time, didn't realize was helping me picture myself grounded as I continued to wander through. I used that table for almost everything, which had been my first mistake, and how I was reintroduced to myself, unfun.

By this time, I was four years deep in drama with weed use and up until that point had become somewhat dependent on the stuff as a medicinal outlier, studying and regrounding myself along those four years, not noticing until mid-2018 that something was up with me. I know now that what I had experienced was something called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. In CFS, I slept for a couple of days, and a few nights straight, only getting up to pee, and draw a few hours at a time. And they were between 2 and 5 in the morning while this was going on.

In 2020, I needed two things from myself respectfully, so I hadn't thought much of it when, through Loki, I pinged myself and remembered my first belief system of planet after surgery. To get off weed dependancy and to survive it.

In 2020, I had a few friends I no longer talk to now, friends whom I had used not-so-real names for to protect them through my witch's path. Two of my closest friends at the time were Brittney and her sister, Eliza. Who had reintroduced the interest of making a connection and getting off the weed I had found myself on towards the beginning of lockdown.

I think the funkiest memory I have from this timeline was after Eliza and I went to the metaphysical shop and I bought myself a fossil. This was before I had made a connection with myself and was being co-monitored by my Catholic roots. Feeling the warmth of Michael's light and the comfort of Gabriel's love. I hadn't noticed it was time to stop for a minute until my mother, half asleep and doped up on her own shit came through my bedroom door and yanked me out of my chair.

That was about a month or so after I found out I was pregnant with boyfriend-at-the-time's baby, and a week or so after my natural miscarriage. I was sitting, hunched over the table, talking with Loki, when I started to dissociate. My mom came through the door and yanked me out of the chair. An electric current was tugged on, and a disconnect was felt. I felt it tug on my body like I was plugging in a wet power chord, I thought as she began to scream at me. I hadn't noticed it yet, my neck was bent all the way back and I was looking at the ceiling.

Nothing felt real for a moment and then it hit me. She was grabbing all of my stuff and stuffing it into trash bags. I begged and pleaded with her to stop, but my mother wouldn't have it. This was a few months before I came to at the hospital screaming that I was Loki, a magnificent chain break from the situation ahead and a painful reminder to always cast and close a circle when practicing Magicks.