Relationship PTSD Experience

Four years ago, during my freshman year of high school, I met a boy. My first love. Our first loves begin to define what love is to us. It opens up gateways of potential on how happy, loved, and cared for someone could make us one day.

Mine did not open those gateways. Instead, it opened a singular, dungeon door that has led me to suffer in silence for years. Constant therapy, medications, and moments where the light could not reach the dark pit I was sitting in. My trauma was diagnosed as PTSD, or posttraumatic stress disorder. Posttraumatic stress disorder is a disorder that comes on after a traumatic event that can cause scary symptoms such as flashbacks!

I used to be stuck in a victim mentality. This is where someone will be overwhelmed with negative emotions, and will focus on the shame, guilt, anger, and other feelings associated with their trauma. For me, I let it define who I was. It was all I saw myself as. Someone broken. Damaged goods.

There are so many sides to PTSD that a lot of people may not see. As much as it affects the obvious, such as your mental well-being, it can also destroy your physical health. As odd as this may sound, my hygiene was something that was sorely ruined. Sometimes, it would be awful. I wouldn't be able to shower properly. I was filled to the brim with shame, and disgust for my own body. I couldn't even look at it. I would go weeks and weeks without showering. As disgusting as that sounds, I couldn't do it. Other times, the switch would flip, and I would shower excessively. I would try to scrub the guilt off of my body. If I were to estimate how frequent I did it, I would say I did it three to four times I day. That can be up to 28 showers a week! I truly struggled with this. As for most people, showering is a regular thing to do. For them, hearing this could be incredibly odd, and almost impossible to think of.

After spending years being stuck in a victim mindset, being attached to the events and the trauma that I had experienced, I turned into a survivor. I focused on being resilient and fearless. I would not let this define me any longer.

I began to take therapy more seriously, and became more open to the idea of medication. I'll be honest, at first the idea of being on medication was a no-brainer: I would refuse. I thought I was strong enough and didn't need it.

Let me be the first to tell you: Medication is okay! I look at it not in a way where I'm not strong enough to manage without it, but in a way where it's there to push me 50% of the way, and I have to work for the other 50%.

One more note I'd like to make, setbacks are always okay. With my struggles of PTSD, I have had multiple setbacks. It's okay to take a few steps back, it's all part of recovery. I feel like there is some sort of stereotype that when you relapse, or take steps back in your recovery, that it's a negative thing. Sure, it's not ideal, but I personally feel like it can be an important step in the process.

Life has definitely not been easy with what I struggle with everyday. All that matters is that I am getting better. I am starting to feel better about my mental health. I am starting to feel comfortable in my own body again. I feel 10x stronger than I did before.

My diagnosis does not define me. I am no longer a victim, but a survivor.