Recovery

It's been four years since the world shut down or at least, my part of the world and most of yours... I feel lethargic and lackadaisical about work and I'm just gonna start this by saying that. The fact of the matter is that we are still recovering! Healing is not linear. My industry is still recovering and I'm sad!

I thought the "blues" would beat by now but they're still here and I feel like we are just waiting... Waiting for something big to occur, something out of our control again...

I'm currently sitting in traffic in NYC. I'm here for a 5 week job and I'm already ready to pack up and leave. I'm all peopled out. The subways and people everywhere in sight, all around me used to appeal to me so much!

My heart is hurting and I feel sad and I'm not even sure that I know why. I also feel like what's the point of working if you're not building your own empire? Maybe that's the reason behind my attitude.

When I was working on my artistry, I felt like I was building not just myself up but also my body of work. It's so hard to imagine my day to day not being about acting. The arts... It's the only thing keeping me alive or so it feels. Everything else just seems like a waste of time to me.

It's been about two weeks since I've seen anyone performing. I went to a stand up comedy show in Miami and it was great. The headliner made me happy. He's been doing comedy for so many years, he had a friend from high school in the audience and it was awesome. His passion was like a shot of medicine for me... I must create and I will.

I had no idea what I wanted to write about today... it was mainly how I was feeling... I didn't plan on writing about this but I'm deficient in my love of the arts right now. To be continued...

I need to get out of this "era," the post-covid, anxiety era... I remember reading somewhere that after 9/11, there was so much fear and I could only imagine! I have ptsd and while my diagnose isn't exactly as terrifying as seeing the twin towers fall, I can only imagine how citizens of NYC felt for years to come. I was telling a friend of mine recently that I travel so much because I fear another lock down. It's instability and anxiety... Another friend wanted to know how I'm able to afford to travel this much lol Hm... I also wonder, I guess when there's a will, there's a way!

On the road to "recovery," I'm really pressuring myself to stay away from STUCK! Sometimes it's the scenery that needs to change, other times it's the people and obviously, maybe it's just me. I told myself the other day that I want to change my life... I'm trying to envision what the 40 year old me (next year) is going to be like... What are my main goals and ambitions going to be? Why does it matter so much for me to figure it out, I've got 10 months to get there...

I've also realized that all this pressure that I've been racking up is not only spiking my anxiety but it's not helping me recover. It's not going to happen overnight. I am changing and I am blossoming, the point is that I don't know what into just yet and maybe I should employ some happy patience while I grow there. What's the rush anyway right? Life is going to happen no matter how I feel about it... It's literally like riding the wave. I just want something to hold onto and something to believe in, again.